Last week, College Spun ran a graphic showing the Google auto-complete terms for each of the SEC Coaches. I thought to myself, “self, that’s a good idea, but we can take it further.” You know, like seven minute versus eight minute abs. So, beyond just looking up what the auto-completes are for each NFL coach, I decided to also provide a service (and hopefully pick up on some of this traffic that is apparently out there) when people search for the most important information about each NFL head coach, by also providing answers. You don’t need Google. You can trust me.
The first thing one notices when you type in “Is [name of coach]” is that people are obsessed with the marital status and religion of the coaches. Weird, because I’ve been told that people don’t care what happens off the field and who people sleep with. Anyway, here are your answers to the most important questions (as told by Google Auto-Complete) for all 32 NFL coaches.
Is Jason Garrett fired? Is he going to get fired? Please, oh please, tell me, is his job in jeopardy? (I may have added the “please, oh, please”)
No. No. and No. He will go 8-8 again, and he will be safe.
Is Chip Kelly related to Jim Kelly? Is he going to Texas?
Kelly is not a common surname (no need to search that, it means last name), so your instincts to check this out are correct. Chip Kelly is not only related to Jim Kelly, but also Minka Kelly, Machine Gun Kelly, Roberto Kelly, Kelly Ripa, and Jean-Claude Kelly, the famous skier from some European country.
Also, he is going to Texas at some point, but the NFL has not released the 2014 schedule yet.
Is Jay Gruden related to Jon Gruden? Is Jay Gruden and Jon Gruden brothers?
Disappointed that “is Jay Gruden related to This Guy” is not in the top four, but at least the more grammatically phrased question appeared (slightly) more frequently. And yes, Jay Gruden has been the offensive coordinator at Cincinnati and got the head coaching job in Washington, so of course he has family ties to Jon Gruden.
Is Tom Coughlin retiring? Is he going to retire?
No, things are looking up for the Giants, and Coughlin is one more 9-7 season and an improbable postseason run away from joining the game’s all-time greats.
Is Bill Belichick a nice guy? Is he retiring?
This is a complicated answer. Some people say yes. Others say no. It’s hard to sum up a person’s character in one simple response, when we all have our good days and bad days. As for the second question, good to know that Ryan, Philbin, and Marrone contribute so much to the Google traffic.
Is Doug Marrone on the hot seat? Is he Italian?
Yes, he is Buffalo’s coach, which means he is automatically on the hot seat. As for the next question, what would give you that idea?
Is Joe Philbin related to Regis? Is he on the hot seat?
They are twins. Yes, Regis is on the hot seat.
Is Rex Ryan a twin? Is Rex Ryan and Rob Ryan twins?
Is Lovie Smith in Madden 25?
Word of advice: if this answer impacts whether you buy the game, you need to put the Cheetos bag down and go outside.
Is Mike Smith starting tonight?
Mike Smith is a coach, dummy.
Is Ron Rivera Puerto Rican? Spanish? Catholic? Latino?
Ron Rivera is American, his dad was in the military, and he grew up an Army brat.
Is Sean Payton married? divorced?
He’s been in a committed relationship since 2006.
Who is Gus Bradley?
Paul Casey “Gus” Bradley is the head coach for the Jacksonville Jaguars. (h/t: Wikipedia, since we had to look that one up)
Is Ken Whisenhunt on the hot seat?
If he doesn’t win his next game, he’s likely out in Tennessee.
Is Chuck Pagano cured? Is he a good coach?
The last indication that we have is that Pagano’s cancer is in remission. He made the playoffs, which means he must be a good coach.
Is Bill O’Brien leaving? Is he leaving Penn State?
You’re reading a post about the NFL coaches. You do the math. (and if you cannot do the math, Google “what does 1+1 equal”)
Is Mike McCarthy related to Melissa McCarthy?
I don’t know, I have to search “who is Melissa McCarthy?”
Is Jim Caldwell a good coach? Is he a good hire?
Is Marc Trestman married? Christian? a good coach?
Kind of disappointed in Bears fans here.
Is Mike Zimmer married? Christian? a good coach?
Is John Harbaugh a jerk? Is he leaving the Ravens?
That’s Jim. And yes, there are rumors that Harbaugh was almost traded to the Browns, which have yet to be denied publicly by the Ravens owner. What’s he waiting for?
Is Marvin Lewis black?
Is Mike Tomlin on the hot seat? getting fired?
Tomlin is not getting fired. I’ve been told that Pittsburgh is the most stable organization and they keep coaches for at least 15 years.
Is Mike Pettine fired?
This is the most reasonable question yet. Not yet, but check back tomorrow.
Dead? No, he just lives in St. Louis. Jimbo Fisher is his emergency contact in case of an accident, though.
Is Bruce Arians ok? is he a good coach?
He won NFL Coach of Year, okay? That means he’s a good coach, just ask Dick Jauron, Wayne Fontes, and Lindy Infante.
Is Jim Harbaugh leaving the 49ers? Is he married?
No, Jim Harbaugh is not leaving. The two sides are just haggling over money so Jim can afford better pants. Yes, he is married, and his wife is horrified by his fashion sense.
Is Pete Carroll a truther?
Is Mike McCoy related to Colt McCoy?
We’ll just go with yes.
Is Dennis Allen on the hot seat? Is he getting fired?
Dennis Allen’s seat is so hot it looks like he is wearing assless chaps.
I don’t know if I would characterize him as active [ba-da-bing]. He is likely resting starters, yes.
Is John Fox sick? Is he coaching today?
Fox is better. As for the second question, if today is February 2nd or any day thereafter, the answer is no.