So that happened. The first half hour or so of this episode I was thinking about how it was a bit of a letdown. This was just an episode where there were pieces being set up for later in the season. I mean, not every episode can have something crazy happen! It’s understandable. It’s called pacing yourself. Nope.
King Joffrey – What a performance. I don’t know if it would have been possible for Joffrey to be any more unlikeable. He was just dripping with asshole-ish-ness. The world HATED this kid from the moment he came on screen 3 short years ago. If Jack Gleeson really walks away from acting, it will be a great shame because he was amazing. (Though walking away after kissing Natalie Dormer is a logical stopping point.) I mean, I f–king hated this kid. I wanted to punch him in the face. I wanted to throw things at my television. I wanted him to die.
And he did. In a way that only George R.R. Martin could truly kill someone we all wanted to be eaten alive by direwolves. His death was horrible, but I think we all wanted more. And now we’ve got a regular “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” on our hands. Was it Tyrion and Sansa? Sansa and the clown? Sansa? (My money is on something Sansa related.) Prince Oberyn? The Tyrells? The Lannisters? (Who is in charge now, Margaery or Cersei?) Someone else? Or did he simply choke on a dead dove because he was an idiot who cut his wedding cake with a sword? I’m so glad he’s gone, but I’m not entirely sure who I’m going to hate from now on.
The worst part is that Joffrey’s death leaves Tyrion suspected of murder. Not just murder, but murder of the king. I mean, he just sent away the love of his life and… Is Tyrion really going to die? Are they going to put him in a cell for half a season like Ned Stark? This is what went through my head as my wife recorded my reaction to the end of the episode without my knowledge. Yes, my voice cracks. That’s what emotion does. In reality I have a very deep and manly voice.
I am instituting a ban on all electronic devices in the living room between the hours of 9 and 10pm on Sunday nights. Update: If you want to hear me cry more about the future of Tyrion you can listen to me talk about Game of Thrones on the Sporting News Podcast.
BEFORE THE PURPLE WEDDING
Did you know there was an entire episode of things involving other characters leading up to the wedding? Because I just watched the episode again and there they were. People who were not invited to the wedding. 75% of the episode means nothing. And at what point do you just buy a card if you’re invited to a wedding in Westeros? No gift. No gift card to Bed, Bath and Beyond the Wall. Just a card. You put it on the table and wait to see if the couple survives the wedding. No point in going through the hassle of trying to return something.
Reek and Ramsay – The episode opened like a horror movie. Reek is like a character out of the Wrong Turn series. Man, whatever happened to Jeremy Sisto anyways? Poor Theon has been beaten – and flayed! – into complete submission. George R.R. Martin sure likes taking people who are one thing and turning them into another. You’re happy? Two episodes later your entire family is dead and your balls have been removed. Did you know they are going to make Barbershop 3? I think Ice Cube has a new potential employee.
Tyrion – He did the thing where you yell at a person or pet and tell them you never liked them. Then he maybe killed the king. Normal day in King’s Landing.
Shae – Bye! I have the finest videomaker in King’s Landing working on a compilation of Shae’s scenes set to I Will Remember You.
Melisandre – Did the God of Light also give her a counseling degree?
Stannis – Just exactly how often does Stannis have dinner with his wife and his lover / priestess? Often? I feel like this one time is too often.
Bran – He knows where to go. So, that’s something. Seriously. Last night’s episode should have just been the 15 minutes of the rehearsal dinner and wedding. No one would have complained.
Hodor – Hodor.
Jaime – Remember that he and Tyrion had a meal together? I didn’t. I forgot about everything before the wedding. Then he threatened the guy who is being forced to marry his sister who he loves even though that guy doesn’t want to marry Cersei? He also did a shitty job of protecting the king. And Brienne loves him. It’s all so confusing.
Fun New Thing! I’ll be on the Sporting News podcast with Bill Voth and Matt Lutovsky this morning to talk about this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. In case you didn’t get enough of my voice in the above video, you can listen to last week’s podcast here. I’ll update this with a link when the new one goes up. Update: Here it is.