King Tommen – Man, like 3 hours ago we didn’t even know this kid’s name and now he’s lord of the Seven Kingdoms? Of course, his only lines so far have been “Yes, Grandfather” and “[shakes head vigorously at Margaery].” If he every has more than two lines in an episode, he’s probably going to lose his head in the final scene.
Margaery – You know how your significant other asks you if you want the last piece of pizza and you have to go through the, “Oh, no. Not if you want it. I’m kind of full. You can have it. I mean, if you aren’t going to eat it. I guess. You’re sure you don’t want it?” dance? That’s Margaery talking to Cersei. Yes, she wants the damn pizza. Being Queen is the last piece of pizza. Everybody wants the last piece of pizza. Why must we do this dance!? Everybody wants to be Queen and everybody wants to eat pizza.
Ser Pounce – Apparently, last week was Ser Pounce’s one and only appearance of the entire season. This is more bullshit than you would see in a week in Flea Bottom. I know they have a talented graphics department on this show. If they can have dragons, they can CGI a damn cat into the background of some castle scenes over the next few weeks.
How is HBO going to do this to us? The Internet loves cats. Why wouldn’t they just have the cat hanging out on set and if he happened to be sleeping in the background, so be it. What makes it worse is that in the books Ser Pounce serves as one of King Tommen’s most trusted advisers. (I may have misheard the last part, but still.) #BringBackSerPounce
Cersei – I’m going to call my little brother and leave him a voicemail that is just Cersei explaining that you always love the first child most.
Dany – Man, mo’ money and freed slaves, mo’ problems. She’s stuck with Daario Naharis 2.0 and Ser Jorah the Wet Blanket. Now she’s got to go back and defeat Cleon the Butcher and it’s like she’s playing Chutes and Dragons and she just fell down a chute and has to free all the damn slaves again. I haven’t seen The Warriors in a long time. Was there a gang named The Dragons that was stuck on the subway the entire movie? Wait, before we go, is there any sort of epic imagery that shows that Danaerys is ready to rule?
OK. Good. I thought for a second they forgot.
Little Finger, Sansa, Lysa and Robin – Now, there is a lot to unpack here. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen every episode of GoT at least twice. Still, everything about this was a surprise. We found out that Lysa killed Jon Arryn and that Baelish was involved. This is stuff from before Ned died. Talk about a long con. And now they’re married. Twice over apparently.
Now Sansa is learning that Catelyn was fat (Maybe Lysa should have been the one they called “Cat” because me-ow.) and that she’s going to have to marry Robin who really needs a haircut and doesn’t exactly take great care of his toys.
I’m sure no one will find out about Sansa. The Arryn mother and son have the subtlety of tack hammers. Everything about these scenes was so awkward. Right down to the love-making that could be heard across the Narrow Sea. Though I do love Baelish’s “I’ve made a huge mistake” faces.
Tywinn – Note to self: Do not pat Tywinn Lannister on the back.
The Iron Bank of Bravos – I wonder if they waive ATM fees?
Arya and The Hound – Not much to say about this duo. They’re still funny and awesome and I just feel like The Hound is teaching me so much about life on the streets. Arya is going to learn to keep it real whether she likes it or not.
Prince Oberyn – I like this guy. I hope he takes over Little Finger’s brothel and forgets about avenging.
Pod – Worst. Squire. Ever. Talk about a bad first day on the job.
Brienne – Just like everyone else, I’m sure she’ll grow to love Pod.
Hodor – Have you ever seen Pacific Rim? Well the scene where Bran takes over Hodor’s mind is basically Pacific Rim, except good. I also wonder if Hodor could start talking with a full vocabulary when Bran goes into his head.
Also, last week I asked for a commercial to help fight cruelty to Hodors set to Sarah McLachlan music. A couple days later @TerpsHimself came through with this awesome effort that was basically everything I envisioned. So let’s all share this video and give it the viral life it deserves. And please Hodor.
Locke – Stillwater’s manager wanted Bran and I couldn’t remember why. Lisk says that Roose Bolton offered lots of land and Dire Sheep or something for the living Stark boys. However, he didn’t know Bran was at Craster’s Keep so that was pretty lucky. Oh well. Now he’s dead.
Jon Snow – I did not like the way his final battle went down. Disarmed by a man with two daggers and saved by a malnourished inbred teenager? That doesn’t bode well if he’s the best fighter at Castle Black.
Karl Tanner – Farewell. This guy looked so familiar. Turns out he was the scientist in the Flowers for Charlie episode of “Always Sunny” which was presumably shot after he and Charlie Day were both scientists in Pacific Rim. Also, Karl Tanner could have been a long lost cousin on Full House. There was a lot going on with this guy. And he got one of the most badass deaths in the entire show.
Craster’s Keep – Burn mother burn. Another for Arrested Westeros. I just hope Sam remembered to mail the insurance check. Sam?
ON THE NEXT – I try to avoid next on, but I got caught up and saw this one and IT MOVED.
I’ll be on the Sporting News podcast with Bill Voth and Matt Lutovsky again this morning to talk about this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. My wife says I talk like William Shatner when I’m doing the podcast! You can listen to last week’s podcast here. I’ll update this with a link when the new one goes up. [Here’s this week’s podcast in which I explain how Coach was my favorite show when I was growing up. Who knew?]