Johnny Manziel is the most exciting quarterback in the draft. He’s also the most intriguing draft story. Some have him falling into the late first round. Others are convinced he will be off the board at No. 2 overall. Mr. Effing Football could end up just about anywhere. Here are the 32 NFL teams ranked in order of how much they need a Manziel-infusion.
Cleveland Browns: This is not just for the Browns. It is for bleak, depressing post-LeBron Cleveland. Just drafting Manziel would be like signing up the entire city for pilates classes and having Viagra rain from the sky. Ohio residents may even start wearing pants that require belts.
Jacksonville Jaguars: A bad team adding a LB/WR is a bad team with a LB/WR. Give someone – anyone – a reason to pay attention to this team, or to move it to Los Angeles or London.
Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo was not the Cowboys’ problem last year. But we can feel Jerry Jones getting aroused from here.
New York Jets: Next Joe Namath. We are overdue for a good old-fashioned mediagasm.
Oakland Raiders: Because Oakland is the new Brooklyn and Manziel would look sweet in silver and black.
Minnesota Vikings: The alternative may be being underwhelmed by Blake Bortles for a few years.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Bucs fans need something to wash away the Schiano. These new jerseys instantly look 40 percent cooler.
Tennessee Titans: Charlie Whitehurst or Jake Locker enticing you to buy season tickets? Didn’t think so.
Arizona Cardinals: Manziel falls firmly in the “stuff white people like” category. Bonus points for having a Bush at his pro-day. Sheriff Joe may try to round up Drake and deport him. Win all-around.
St. Louis Rams: At what point does this become Sam Bradford’s fault?
Miami Dolphins: Manziel, LeBron and David Beckham in the same city…Miami may become a sports town.
Chicago Bears: Jay Cutler is consistent…ly not good enough to make a difference.
Cincinnati Bengals: Andy Dalton is solid. But it would be worth the risk just to troll Browns fans.
Buffalo Bills: Drafted E.J. Manuel in the first round last year, but the team would look more interesting to prospective buyers…
Houston Texans: You can have Clowney and J.J. Watt on the same line. Your head coach got Matt McGloin to the NFL. Matt…McGloin. Just make the smart move.
Kansas City Chiefs: Alex Smith…would take you less than a minute to talk yourself out of.
Detroit Lions: Stafford knows how to party. But Manziel would be cheaper and free up some cap room.
New York Giants: Eli Manning was the highest-rated passer in New York last season, though he ranked 35th in the league.
Washington Redskins: Too early to start planning for the post-RGIII era?
Pittsburgh Steelers: You can feel much better about buying your kid a Manziel jersey.
Atlanta Falcons: Because that “does Matt Ryan have it” debate is getting rather tedious.
Carolina Panthers: Not sure how Jerry Richardson would feel about Manziel’s tattoos.
San Diego Chargers: Manziel could do some serious bro-ing out in So Cal, though Philip Rivers has a family to feed.
Denver Broncos: The Manning era is a neck appointment away from being over. Manziel’s hands are ready for the Denver weather.
New Orleans Saints: A couple years to learn from Brees, positive. Bourbon Street, negative.
Philadelphia Eagles: Chip Kelly did recruit him at Oregon…
Indianapolis Colts: Luck looks like a keeper, but he is also a way bigger dork…
San Francisco 49ers: San Francisco is only big enough for one personality.
Green Bay Packers: Nah, you’re cool.
Seattle Seahawks: It may be worth keeping that guy they drafted in the third round for a bit.
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