Game of Thrones: "The Mountain and the Viper" Recap

Dammit.

God dammit!

All season, I have traditionally watched “Silicon Valley” sometime on Monday and watched “Bar Rescue” or sports after Game of Thrones. Last night I had to watch “Silicon Valley” IMMEDIATELY following “Game of Thrones” just to calm my nerves and emotionally recover so I could eventually go to sleep. I just had a horrible feeling of melancholy following last night’s episode of GoT. High hopes shattered and whatnot. So before we get into last night’s devastating(ly awesome) episode, I want to take a moment to officially mention how good “Silicon Valley” was. If you haven’t watched it, go to HBOGo and watch. So good. Even if it is a little Entourage-y in the way it all works out baby bro, the quality of the jokes makes it rise above. Especially the most high-brow dick joke ever told last night. Mike Judge is the man. I really hope no one ever crushes his head with their bare hands.

Ned Stark – Ned Stark sighting! Remember the first time we found out that being a good main character didn’t mean shit? Dammit.

Gilly – What if she’s the Yellow King? Wait. Wrong show. What if she’s the only one who survives the show?

Wildlings – They are your least favorite team, going from city to city laying waste to your dreams.

Castle Black – [taps foot] We’re waiting.

Grey Worm and Missandei – The Ross and Rachel of The Seven Kingdoms. Will they or won’t they! I can’t take it any longer! Are there lobsters in “Game of Thrones?” Because that is the only way to explain what these two are to each other. This pairing also introduced us to, “The Plaza of Pride” and what would have been a good alternate title for this episode, “The pillar and the stones.” Oh, Nathalie…

Ramsey Snow-Bolton – Imagine if you got a promotion at work and your boss was like, “You’re my son now. Here’s the paperwork for your name change.”

Reek – He’s going to need so much therapy because, man, Theon Greyjoy has seen some shit.

Littlefinger – His accent has had the biggest character arc of anyone on the entire show.

Sansa – What a performance in the small-small-counsel meeting. If this were a reality show, you could say that Sansa is starting to “play the game.” Since this is Game of Thrones, I guess you could say the same thing. And then towards the end of the episode, she seemed to be getting her Margaery on. 18 in real life, younger on the show. Lord Baelish, you dog.

Robin Arryn – Things seem to be working out for him. Odds he dies before the next episode airs?

Dany and Jorah – Man, she was mad. This was your classic Rom-Com scenario. At the beginning, Jorah just got close to her because of ulterior motives, but then he fell in love with her! You had me at the Dothraki word for “hello.” Oh well. It was a good run while it lasted. And what horrible timing for him to play the L-card. (#yesallwomen)

As Cardillo pointed out, Jorah is now free to host Bar Rescue: Westeros. With Hot Pie as Brian Duffy and a rotating cast of Maesters of Mixology. He can start with the brothel in Mole’s Town. [points at Gilly] “I think we’ve got a rock star on our hands!” I would watch that.

Arya and The Hound – We got to see both of them laugh in their brief scene. Which was nice.

Orson Lannister – Why was he smashing all those beetles? At first, I didn’t think that conversation was working, but by the end, as the music swelled… Oh, man. Do we really have to do this?

The Mountain vs. The Red Viper

This was like a playoff series where after ever single thing that happens, everyone claims that the series is over. Then when it’s over, half the people say they saw it coming and the other half are bitching about how the losing team got screwed. A team wins one game and everyone proclaims they won’t lose another game and the next thing you know LeBron James has his fingers in Henrik Lundqvist’s eyes and there are brains all over the field. (Thought I’d mix that one up so all sports fans felt included. We all need to pull together in this time of mourning.)

For the non-sports fans, this was like Mario fighting Bowser at the end of a Super Mario Bros. level. You know, if instead Mario getting hit by a fireball and falling into the lava, when the drawbridge opened, Bowser climbed on top of Mario and crushed his tiny plumber skull with his bare hands.

For the “Game of Thrones” fans. Just… dammit. We were so close.

It’s hard to balance this scene’s awesomeness with what it actually means. Awesome fight. Good dialogue. (Ellaria giving Oberyn shit because he didn’t explain the exact circumstances of his plans was a very relationship-y gripe.) Extremely violent and innovative death. But, it also means Tyrion is dead. Fuuuuuuu…

Oberyn was so damn awesome. Maybe one of the best in the show’s entire run. His only crime was wanting justice. Our only crime was watching this show. Dammit. That’s why you have to finish your opponent when you have a chance. Never leave it in the hands of the judges – or The Mountain.

As for the death. HOLY SHIT! Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson is a beast. If there is anyone I can picture CRUSHING A MAN’S SKULL WITH HIS BARE HANDS it is this dude. If you can separate this action from everything that it means, it was so freaking badass. Unfortunately… I can’t so I’m pretty steamed at The Mountain right now. What a jerk.

Dammit.

I’ll be on the Sporting News podcast with Bill Voth and Matt Lutovsky again this morning to talk about this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. We’ll also talk about other random stuff while I try to keep the conversation on track because I take my job seriously. Here’s the link.