Pigskin Pigsplosion NFL Week 15 Preview: Tom Brady Ready to Curse Out the Dolphins

Three weeks to go, and almost every team would still be eligible for the playoffs (if they were in the NFC South). This week, we look into whether Pittsburgh can win the AFC North while losing to the NFC South, Tom Brady’s motivation against the Dolphins, and get lots of clues about who Stephen is playing against in Fantasy Football. (Clearly not going against God’s team).

Ryan: 9-6-1 (104-101-2)
Stephen: 5-10-1 (100-105-2)
Jason: 8-7-1 (97-106-2)

Arizona @ St. Louis (-4.5)

Ryan: The Rams are frisky and whatnot, but they seem to be the type of team that just outperforms low expectations when they’re underdogs. Also, everyone had a big laugh about Jeff Fisher doing that whole coin toss thing to the Racial Slurs last Sunday, but people tend to forget that his teams haven’t won a playoff game since 2003. People should remember that more often. Cardinals.

Stephen: People forget that people forget that imho. This week, I’m only writing about how each game affects my fantasy team. I hope the Cardinals score upwards of 100 points. Still, I worry that Drew Stanton is not capable of that. This is a tough one. CARDINALS

Jason: I’m going with the team that has won its last two games by a 76-0 margin. Rams.

Oakland @ Kansas City (-10)

Ryan: Buried footballs take about two months to sprout. Everybody knows that. Raiders. 

Stephen: I really need the Raiders to hold Jamaal Charles to zero yards from scrimmage. Considering what they did to the 49ers last week, I don’t think this is an unreasonable request or expectation. RAIDERS

Jason: In the span of three weeks, I have gone from the Chiefs being favored by 7 at winless Oakland seeming weird and looking like a trap, to the Chiefs being favored by 10 at home looking like a trap the other way. AND OAKLAND LOST A GAME BY 52 POINTS since then. It makes no sense, but I’m sticking with the Chiefs. 

Jacksonville @ Baltimore (-13.5)

Stephen: Blake Bortles should throw the ball deep early and often with Denard Robinson out. It’s not like the Jags are playing for anything besides my fantasy team at this point. RAVENS

Jason: I would probably be better at picking if I stopped picking Jaguars games where they are large underdogs, which is every game. I can’t quit you now, dammit.

Ryan: Yeah, the move is to auto-pick against them. Ravens.

Pittsburgh (-2.5) @ Atlanta

Stephen: Julio Jones should really shut it down for the season. I mean the Falcons are 5-8 and… oh shit. They’re leading the division. The NFC South is screwing everyone this year. The Cowboys. Me. Everybody! STEELERS

Jason: Pittsburgh could win the AFC North. The rest of their division is 10-0-1 against the NFC South. The Steelers are somehow 1-2, with both losses at home. It would be so Steelers to go down to Atlanta and lay an egg after coming up with a huge win at Cincinnati. Falcons.

Ryan: Yeah, you gotta pick the Steelers to zig when everyone else thinks they’ll zag. Falcons. 

Houston @ Indianapolis (-6.5)

Stephen: I have Arian Foster. My opponent has Andrew Luck and Randy Bullock. This game will have me throwing things. Go TEXANS

Jason: The Texans could go quietly into that dark night, or make things very interesting by somehow pulling the upset, especially with Indianapolis going to Dallas next week. Texans.

Ryan: The hot-take artists out there who could not handle JJ Watt being MVP will be profoundly thankful for Aaron Rodgers’ existence if Houston somehow wins this game. Texans.

Cincinnati @ Cleveland (-1)

Stephen: Josh Gordon and Johnny Football can hook up at the club (with ladies). Not against the Bengals. Please? Still, go BROWNS

Jason: I don’t get this line. I don’t think the Browns come up short against Marvin Lewis’ team.

Ryan: Weird, I was gonna say I don’t get it either, but in the opposite direction. Bengals, though I’ll admit that from a selfish perspective I want Johnny Pageviews to come up big here.

Miami @ New England (-7.5)

Stephen: Rob Gronkowski wouldn’t be such a monster if Tom Brady had the arm strength to throw downfield to wide receivers. DOLPHINS

Jason: It feels like ten years ago that the Dolphins beat the Patriots in week 1 and Tom Brady couldn’t complete a pass over five yards. Dolphins.

Ryan: If I know one thing about gambling, it’s not to buy picks from touts. If I know things, it’s don’t pick against Tom Brady in a December game after he’s been emphatically fist-pumping, swearing, and telling everyone asking him not to swear to fuck off. Patriots.

Tampa Bay @ Carolina (-3)

Stephen: Glad Cam Newton is OK. Hope Derek Anderson fails miserably. BUCS

Jason: It’s possible that Tampa Bay could lose two games to Derek Anderson in the same year. Panthers.

Ryan: Could see the Bucs going on a frisky run to end the season and start next year again as the sexy pick for preseason SLEEPER.

Washington @ NY Giants (-6.5)

Ryan: You really have to be a sad sack of a team to be getting nearly a touchdown against this Giants team, but the Washington Racial Slurs have been just that. Giants.

Stephen: The only thing that would surprise me in this matchup would be a good game. WASHINGTONS

Jason: I look forward to Giants’ defenders saying that going against Washington was like Valentine’s Day after this one. Washington.

Green Bay (-5) @ Buffalo

Ryan: There was a Redditor who GIF’ed all three of Aaron Rodgers’ interceptions this season, and each one of them was a tipped ball (though two of them were slight overthrows on his part). If it hasn’t happened already, the nation is about to get way sick of the reverence with which announcers and pundits talk about him.

This Bills team is the type of one the Packers struggle against, though. They can get to the quarterback without blitzing, and that’s something that always seems to fluster Rodgers. Combined with the fact that this feels like a Vegas trap, I’m rolling with Buffalo. 

Stephen: Yeah, but Aaron Rodgers is freaking awesome. Though in my opinion, he doesn’t throw the ball to Randall Cobb enough. 20-25 targets this week seems reasonable. And with that, I will pick against the Bills for the first time ever. PACKERS

Jason: Wow, worlds colliding. Ryan continuing his woe-is-us streak of picking against the Packers continues, but Stephen goes against the Bills to counter? I have been taking the Packers, but I do like Buffalo to keep it close at home.

Minnesota @ Detroit (-8)

Stephen: The Vikings are 6-7 and they lost one of the best players in the NFL a week into the season. This team deserves some praise for being mediocre. And they should forget about covering Calvin Johnson. Just a thought. VIKINGS

Ryan: Line seems too high, no? Vikings.

Jason: I’ve got to catch you two somehow. Lions.

NY Jets (-1.5) @ Tennessee

Ryan: I was all set to make a joke about how this would be the game that the DirecTV Game Mix leaves out of its squares, but that went to shit when I realized it’ll be played in the late afternoon. I got nothing. Jets. 

Jason: Wait, the NFL in its infinite wisdom put 10 early games, only 3 late, and this is one of them? Screw that.

Stephen: How in the world are the Jets favored on the road? This game means nothing to me or anyone else whose fantasy season is still going on. TITANS

Jason: Are you suggesting, sir, that Bishop Sankey has not been the key to a fantasy title? I’m actually close to winning a large league while having both Percy Harvin and Eric Decker on the same roster (and drafting Justin Hunter) so this is my personal hell in anotherwise good year. Titans.

Denver (-4) @ San Diego

Stephen: So, it would be grand if Peyton Manning could forget about that CJ Anderson guy and just go back to chasing records again. The regular season is supposed to be his time to shine. BRONCOS

Jason: Remember when everyone made a big deal out of that Drew Brees consecutive games with a touchdown record out of nowhere? Yeah, it’s not much of a thing. Peyton Manning didn’t even try to get a regular season record, so you know it matters little. Broncos

Ryan: Seems wayyyyyy too obvious to pick the Broncos here, so I’m rolling with the Chargers.

San Francisco @ Seattle (-10)

Stephen: The way these teams have been playing, this does not seem like an opportune time for the Niners to travel to Seattle. SEAHAWKS

Jason: Just two games ago, San Francisco was a slight favorite at home against Seattle. They are now getting 10 points. That’s a massive shift. I’ll be the dope that takes the 49ers to keep it close and I like the under.

Ryan: Nah, the 49ers are flat out done. I actually felt bad for Colin Kaepernick in his somber press conference last week, and that is NOT something I ever thought I’d feel after he eliminated the Packers from the playoffs two years in a row. Seattle.

Dallas @ Philadelphia (-3.5)

Stephen: The last time these two quarterbacks met on Sunday Night Football I had a popular tweet. I think we’ll see similar results this week. COWBOYS

Jason: The loser of this game has a decent chance of missing the playoffs. No big deal. Cowboys.

Ryan: I’d like the Cowboys to win this one because the Chip Kelly genius narrative is one of those random sports stories that’s been beaten into the ground to the extent of getting on my nerves, so I’m picking the Eagles as an emotional hedge.

New Orleans (-3) @ Chicago

Ryan: Once again, ESPN just has to be ENTHRALLED that they paid $100 million for what wound up being a Monday night matchup between the two most disappointing teams in the league. It’s gonna be cold and miserable in Chicago and the empty seats are going to be an ugly aesthetic for a nationally televised primetime game. Saints. 

Stephen: Saints are playing for a division title and Mid-Westerners have nothing better to do than watch their shitty football teams. Pro tip for the Saints: Triple-cover Alshon Jeffery. SAINTS

Jason: hard pass. Bears?