NBA Power Rankings vs. Disney/Pixar Characters Remix
By Rob Perez
30. Philadelphia 76ers (12-40), Cruella De Vil — “101 Dalmatians”
This front office is at the point that it would turn cute puppies into a fur coat, if it help pays the bills.
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29. New York Knicks (10-41), Bamstrongi — “Bamstrongi”
Feel free to turn this movie on if you feel like having your soul ripped out of your chest…
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28. Los Angeles Lakers (13-37), Woody — “Toy Story”
Was once a really cool, state-of-the-art toy … 2 sequels later: it’s all dusty, the voice speaker is broken, no one cares about it anymore, and now that Andy is off at college nursing his shoulder injury: it’s time to retire Woody and completely rebuild the collection of toys for the next generation.
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27. Minnesota Timstrongerwolves (11-40), Aladdin — “Aladdin”
Princess Jasmine [Andrew Wiggins] and 3 wishes [Jahlil Okafor] from the world’s most powerful genie await — all you have to do is NOT TOUCH THE FORBIDDEN TREASURE [win games] before the season ends.
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26. Boston Celtics (19-31), Nala — “The Lion King”
That moment when you realize you have 10 1st Round Draft Picks in the next two NBA drafts…
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25. Orlando Magic (16-38), Boo — “Monsters INC”
All you hear about is how scary and intimidating they’re supposed to be — that is until everyone gets to know them, and realizes it’s just a harmless little girl who is completely oblivious to her surroundings.
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24. Sacramento Kings (18-32), Stitch — “Lilo & Stitch”
No one has any clue what species this team is, but, regardless: you can’t help but want to give it [Boogie Cousins] a hug.
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23. Utah Jazz (18-33), Mulan — “Mulan”
No one’s favorite movie, but, you don’t mind watching it when everything else is in commercial.
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22. Indiana Pacers (20-32), Mowgli — “The Jungle Book”
You can’t run around the jungle in a speedo, and not expect to get some bumps and bruises along the way…
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21. Denver Nuggets (19-32), Wall-E — ‘Wall-E’
Cute, klutzy, impossible to understand — ladies and gentlemen: The Denver Nuggets.
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20. Brooklyn Nets (21-29), Scar — “The Lion King”
Scar & Mikhail Prokhorov will be the first to tell ya: when you get the keys to the kingdom — don’t let a bunch of hyenas run your franchise.
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19. Detroit Pistons (20-32), Ariel— “The Little Mermaid”
Addition by subtraction. To get what you truly want, sometimes all you gotta do is cut out the bad influences in your life.
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18. Miami Heat (21-29), Simba — ‘The Lion King’
Pride Rock’s king is gone. The heir to the throne may be hurt and AWOL, but, when he returns to the kingdom at full strength — there is no enemy they can’t overcome.
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17. Charlotte Hornets (22-29), Pinocchio — ‘Pinocchio’
“WE’RE GOING TO MAKE SOME NOISE IN THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR!!!”
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16. Milwaukee Bucks (28-23), Baloo — ‘The Jungle Book’
When you watch the Bucks play, don’t look for anything special — just keep an eye open for…
The bare necessities.
The Simple bare necessities.
Forget about your worries and your strife.
I mean the: bare necessities.
Ole Mother Nature’s OJ & Mayo recipes.
Jason Kidd brings the bare necessities of life.
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15. New Orleans Pelicans (27-24), The Incredistrongle Family — “The Incredistrongles”
An All-Star team on paper, with unlimited talent and members with special powers … unfortunately, the only ‘Syndrome’ these guys will be fighting this year is the Stockholm Syndrome inflicted on them by their clueless head coach.
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14. Oklahoma City Thunder (26-25), Sulley — ‘Monsters INC’
Despite being armed with the Top ‘Scarer’ in the league, the factory’s production depends on WestBOO.
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13. Phoenix Suns (29-24), Snow White— ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’
Just because you can’t name all of the dwarfs doesn’t mean they aren’t really good at what they do.
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12. Toronto Raptors (35-17), Dory— ‘Finding Nemo’
Dumb as rocks, begging to get eaten by a bigger fish, should have died multiple times before movie’s end, and yet they somehow, someway … just keep swimming.
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11. Washington Wizards (32-20), The Sorcerer’s Apprentice — “Fantasia”
You don’t really know what’s going on, but, if you look close enough — you can see a flash coming out of Mickey’s wand that looks a lot like John Wall dribbling by everybody.
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10. Houston Rockets (35-16), Russell — ‘Up’
As soon as they knock on the door, your immediate reaction is “Oh no, not you [Dwight Howard] again… Go away.” Yet, they’re really good at what they do, so, you gotta keep ‘em around — in the event the Warriors, Grizzlies, and Spurs’ house floats away.
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9. Portland Trail Blazers (35-17), Dug — ‘Up’
The most lovable character on the big screen; smarter than they look, and so damn cute you want to go adopt them — however, in the end: they’ll be obeying their Masters in the Western Conference.
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8. Los Angeles Clippers (33-19), Magic Carpet — ‘Aladdin’
Can fly faster than any carpet in the carpet store … which brings me to my next question: why does it not fly fast anymore?
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7. Dallas Mavericks (35-18), Peter Pan — ‘Peter Pan’
In this episode: Dirk Nowitzki attracts the NBA’s lost boys/ageless veterans to join him in re-finding his 2011 ‘happy thought’.
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6. San Antonio Spurs (32-19), Kaa— “The Jungle Book”
Your favorite NBA team was having a great day, until they looked into the Spurs’ eyes — and are now at the mercy of their revitalized offensive hypnosis.
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5. Chicago Bulls (32-20), The Beast— “Beauty & The Beast”
When someone offers you a healthy “Rose”, you better say ‘yes’ and cherish it…
…or else…
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4. Cleveland Cavaliers (32-21), Jafar– “Aladdin”
The team the world loves to hate, but, in the end: they’re the most powerful sorcerers in the kingdom — and it’s just a matter of WHEN they want to marry Princess Jasmine, not IF.
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3. Memphis Grizzlies (38-13), Tarzan — “Tarzan”
After hooking Jane Porter via Boston, they have “grit ‘n grinded” their way to be the Kings of the Western Conference Jungle.
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2. Golden State Warriors(40-9), Bruce — “Finding Nemo”
The way they carry themselves, you want to believe they’re polite and respectful — but, everyone knows: as soon as a drop of blood hits the water, you’re all dead…
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1. Atlanta Hawks (42-10), Buzz Lightyear — ‘Toy Story’
To the Eastern Conference Finals, and Beyond! They can shoot you to death from long range with their 50/50/90 laser, or, spread their wings and soar over you in transition. The perfectly built multi-purpose toy.