2015 Masters Preview: Expect a Fast and Furious Tournament at Augusta

The 2015 Masters are upon us. Commenter and resident golf nut Spencer096 is here with some Fast & Furious fan fiction that is easily the greatest golf / Masters-related Fast & Furious fanfic ever typed. In fact, it’s probably the only Masters-related Fast & Furious fanfic every typed.

[scene: spectacularly lit industrial warehouse space]

Jason Hobbs: The crew we’re after, they hit like thunder and disappear like smoke. You go in alone, you won’t ever touch them. I’ve been chasing these guys across four continents and twelve country clubs and believe me the last place I want to be is in front of your door step selling girl scout cookies. I need your help CRM. I need your team. CRM, if you don’t give us a Masters preview, you’re under arrest.

CoRM Toretto: I don’t feel under arrest. How ’bout you, Brian?

Brian O’96: Nope, not even a little under arrest.

Jason Hobbs: That’s funny. From a guy who took the oath of a commenter, then went against everything it stood for. For some wannabe blogging prick who beat a man half to death with an ergonomic keyboard. Yeah, real tough. You turn around and put your hands behind your back, you sumbitch.

CoRM Toretto: I don’t think so

Jason Hobbs:

CoRM Toretto: And your mistake? Thinking this is TBL…you’re a long way from home. This is a golf post!
—
CoRM Toretto: If we’re gonna do this, we’re going to need help. First we’re gonna need a chameleon. Someone who can blend in. Anywhere.

Mia Cardillo: What else?

CoRM Toretto: A fast talker. Someone who can bullshit their way out of anything.

Brian O’96: I got that.

Mia Cardillo: This guy is gonna have a lot of surveillance, we’re gonna need someone who’s good with wordplay.

CoRM Toretto: And with that wordplay, there are gonna be references. We’re gonna need guys to punch through those references.

Mia Cardillo: What else?

CoRM Toretto: Utilitites and weapons. Someone who ain’t afraid to throw down. Someone to back up every position.

Mia Cardillo: Yeah, what else we need?

CoRM Toretto: Most important, we’re gonna need two precision drivers. Guys who don’t crack under pressure. Guys who never lose.

Brian O’96: You know we got that!
—

Roman Shamburger: All right, ladies. Bring it in. I want to make a toast. Come on. Listen, I know a few of y’all have already been to Macau, but you have never seen the town till you’ve seen it through my eyes. We’ve got a penthouse suite with an ocean view that’s gonna change your life. 150-foot yacht with a helicopter pad. Hm-hmm. Safe to say, you’re about to have the time of your lives.

[phone call comes in]

Roman Shamburger: Hey man, turn this plane around!
—
CoRM Toretto: So Tejason, who are we dealing with?

Tej Duffy: This file doesn’t make any sense.

Jason Hobbs: I’ll tell you what doesn’t make any sense.

[Hobbs throws computer across room]

Jason Hobbs: Let me tell you a little something about these guys based on some things I just Googled. One’s a three-time major winner still in his 20’s. He knows every way you’re gonna come for him. One’s a professional, won this thing twice, spends half his season then missing cuts and spraying the ball all over the place. One’s this little guy that looks like a socially adjusted Justin Bieber. One’s a former drug addict who had sex with Wayne Gretzky’s daughter at least once. And the rest of their crew is just as dangerous. Except for Tiger Woods. He’s done. Finished. I told you on my show on Sunday.

Roman Shamburger: Yo. This shit just went from Mission:Impossible to Mission: In-Freaking-Sanity! Whatever man. I ain’t scared, I’m just letting you all know: going in that cabin… it’s crazy!
—

Roman Shamburger: Somebody do something! I got a tank on my ass! Who’s got a Plan B?

Tej Duffy: Plan B? We need a Plan C, D, E! We need more alphabet!

CoRM Toretto: We’re not laying up.

Brian O’96: Hey, we’ll do what we do best. We improvise!

[Roman Shamburger takes Rory McIlroy’s ball and throws it into the woods]

—

[protagonists chase giant golf cart down the world’s longest fairway, where Mia Cardillo is held captive]

CoRM Toretto: Brian, you take Bubba, Roman, get Fowler…but Johnson’s mine.

[Bubba outpaces the chasers and makes it onto the oncoming cart while Fowler can’t outrace O’96 who throws a lit joint into a conveniently placed spare gas can, igniting the vehicle into flames…which isn’t the cleanest metaphor for Fowler not winning the Masters, but whatever. Fire is orange, right?]

—

[Brian O’96 and CRM Toretto make it onto the plane]

Brian O’96: CRM you get Johnson and I’ll find Mia! Also, I threw Bubba off the cart already because that guy’s a prick.

CoRM Toretto: That’s the thing about a street fight…the street always wins.

Dustin Johnson: There she goes, leaving you, again. Bloody fickle, that one.

CoRM Toretto: You want bloody? We can do bloody.

Dustin Johnson: A kid, starts out writing posts in Mid-Southern Upstate New York, ends up heisting low five figures online.

CoRM Toretto: Did we just change locations? I think we’re mixing scenes.

Brian O’96: Stop breaking character and go with it.

CoRM Toretto: Fine. Oh, um…. Not bad, huh?

Dustin Johnson: It’s a good story, isn’t it? Almost inspiring. See, what I couldn’t fathom is why you’re not relaxing on a beach somewhere with that cute little Brazilian number. Instead, you’re working with a two-bit government hackfraud like Hobbs. And then I realized he has a weak spot.

CoRM Toretto: We all got a weak spot.

Dustin Johnson: You know, when I was young, my brother always used to say, “every man has to have a code.” Mine: Distance. A swing is nothing but pieces you switch out until you get the job done. It’s efficient. It works. But you? You’re loyal to a fault. Your code is about family. And that’s great in the holidays, but it makes you predictable. And in our line of work, predictable means vulnerable. And that means I can reach out and break you whenever I want.

CoRM Toretto: At least when I go, I’ll know what it’s for.

Dustin Johnson: Well then, it appears this inspiring tale has come to an end.

[laser dot appears on CRM]

CRM Toretto: If that’s the way it has to go.

[laser dot appears on Dustin Johnson]

Dustin Johnson: [chuckles] Let me guess: Hobbs?

Jason Hobbs: [in the distance targeting Johnson, right in the pageviews] Come on, you sumbitch.

CoRM Toretto: The “two-bit government hackfraud.”

Dustin Johnson: See you around, Toretto.

CoRM Toretto: You can bet on it.

[Dustin Johnson drives away victorious…for now.]

—

CoRM Toretto: I used to say I live my life a major’s golf post preview at a time and I think that’s why we were brothers – because you did too. No matter where you are, whether it’s a par 3 or half way across the world at a tournament with an insane appearance fee to draw the world’s best players, the most important thing in life will always be the people in this room, right here, right now. Salute mi familia. You’ll always be with me. And you’ll always be my brother, O’96.

[everyone starts crying]

[Dustin Johnson slips on the Green Jacket and reaches for Bubba Watson’s mac & cheese. DJ now has to say grace.]

FIN.

—

[Interior: TBL Offices in Portland. Stephen stands in the window, drinking an IPA, tinkering with a WAG gallery.]

Lisk: It wasn’t hard to find you, Douglas.

Stephen: Who said I was hiding?

Lisk: You’re hiding in the conference room again. Not working on the Masters preview.

Spencer: [slamming matchbox cars into each other making explosion noises]

Stephen: We are too working on the Masters preview.

Lisk: You’re just watching Fast 6 again!

Spence: It’s research, man.

Lisk: Did you even mention Sergio?

[Stephen and Spencer share a knowing smile]

Spencer and Stephen [In unison]: “One last job.”

Lisk: Would you please just hurry up. This has to post soon.

Spencer: Sorry, man. This time, it’s not, like, about just being fast.

[sound of Corona bottles clinking]

[Lisk storms out]

Stephen: So what’s next?

Spencer: I don’t know. Tokyo Drift maybe?

Stephen: Uwabaki?

Spence: Uwabaki.

FIN.

—

[BONUS SCENE]

[phone rings in Butler Cabin. Billy Payne answers.]

Jordan Speith: Billy Payne? You don’t know me. [golf cart explodes in background] You’re about to.

Billy Payne: Dammit, Jordan. I know who you are and you’re paying for that cart.

Top 5

Shamburger: Jordan Spieth, Bubba Watson, Rory McIlroy, Dustin Johnson, Jason Day
Spencer096: Rory McIlroy, Bubba Watson, Dustin Johnson, Jason Day, sentimental pick = Phil Mickelson
Stephen: Rory McIlroy, Rickie Fowler, Jason Day, Adam Scott, Bubba Watson