Game of Thrones Recap: "Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken"

War is coming. Not between the living and the dead. Between Book Readers and Non-Book Readers. Five and a half seasons of “peace” are about to unravel.

While Non-Book Readers watched last night’s final scene and thought, “Oh, what a horrific thing to happen to one of the only purely good and innocent characters on the entire show, perpetrated by the character that is possibly the biggest remaining monster on a show that features dragons and Cersei Lannister,” Book Readers certainly thought, “That didn’t happen in the books.” Non-Book Readers know that because the Book Readers they watched with voiced that thought.

It wasn’t the first time Book Readers have dropped the factual, “That’s not how it happens in the books” BOMB. This is something they’ve been saying more and more often as the series has gone on. And while NBR’s may find the episodes perfectly entertaining, BR’s will continue to be annoyed and offended.

Over the next few episodes and seasons, we’re probably going to see some things that haven’t yet been published in one of your precious books. George R.R. Martin (Which should always been said and heard with Butters Stotch’s voice) told the GoT showrunners how everything is going to end. They know things not even the most scholarly viewer knows.

And at this point, who is to say what’s Game of Thrones reality versus A Song of Fire and Ice fiction? I can SEE what’s happening on my screen. All BR’s have to go on is some ancient texts about dragons and zombies. Whose to say which fiction is the realer fiction? Could it be the books that are fan fiction while television is reality? I’m sorry Book Readers. It’s time for a new reality.

To all the Non-Book Readers out there, beware the comments. They are dark and full of spoilers.

Arya – Her whole family died and she got a job washing dead bodies at the morgue. And then she’s supposed to lie, but when she does she gets whipped and called a liar. Then has to mercy kill a small child. A girl makes a living.

Chamber of Many Faces – Is that what it’s called? I bet that’s what it’s called. There sure are a lot of faces in that chamber! It’s like The Matrix, but with faces. Actually, kind of looked like something from Prometheus.

Tyrion and Jorah – They are traveling in each other’s company, but make no mistake – they are NOT traveling companions. Jorah would set their relationship status to “It’s Complicated.” Now they’re headed to Mereen hoping that somebody recognizes Jorah in the fighting pits. Hope they’re showing a compressed stream of the fights in Dany’s temple. And that it doesn’t buffer.

Tyrion’s Cock – “Dwarfs’ cock has magic powers.” Tyrion’s constant struggles both to use and keep his cock remains oneof the more thrilling “will they or won’t they” conflicts five seasons in. Now, how long do you think it takes to find a cock merchant?

Jorah – We’ve got a Gladiator reboot! I repeat – We’ve got a Gladiator reboot!

Brother Lancel – Quickly becoming the most menacing – and handsome! – bad guy!

Lord Baelish – I bet Littlefinger has used a SWOT chart or two in his day. Dude is like Everclear, trying to be everything to everyone.

Trystane Martell and Myrcella Baratheon – Look who got some actual lines and an on-camera make-out sesh. Then Uncle-Father Oscar and his friend show up and ruin a good time. Now back to walking around in the distance, you two.

Sand Snakes – They’re so tiny!

Bronn – He is officially the character I want to die the least.

Malko – A TV-only character (rabble rabble rabble!) who isn’t going to put up with this shit.

Queen of Thorns – I still can’t believe they say “pillow-biters” in Game of Thrones. Shouldn’t they call it downward dragon or something? GRRM really got lazy with that one.

Westeros Judicial System – Law & Order: GOT with Brother Lancel as Briscoe and The High Sparrow as Jack McCoy.

King Tommen – Never getting any again.

Myranda – She washes Sansa’s hair like Arya washes the dead people’s hair. Foreshadowing!? Or maybe that’s just how girls wash their hair. I don’t know. And then she’s forced to watch her boyfriend get married? I’m not sure why anyone does anything at the new Winterfell, but I have a feeling everything that happens is put in motion by Ramsay who just wants the most miserable things to happen to everyone.

Sansa Stark of Winterfell – She puts on such a brave face.

The White Wedding – I’m just going to assume this was called “The White Wedding.” When you look back at the previous weddings on Game of Thrones, you knew something horrible was going to happen. And while this was awful, in the grand theme of Westeros weddings, this one wasn’t the worst.

The Honeymoon – Awkward conversation about an ex. An unwanted third wheel. Spousal rape. This storyline will not be over soon. You will not enjoy this. This is not your book’s Game of Thrones.

Reek – DAMMIT THEON YOU WORTHLESS IDIOT. Snap out of it.

Season 5, Episode 5: “Kill The Boy” Recap
Season 5, Episode 4: “The Sons of the Harpy” Recap
Season 5, Episode 3: “High Sparrow” Recap
Season 5, Episode 2: “The Wars to Come” Recap
Season 5, Episode 1: “The House of Black and White” Recap