Bill Simmons' Old Page 2 Column on "Entourage" is a Time Capsule Containing Things Best Left Buried

This is the opening to Bill Simmons September 14, 2004 column looking back at the first season of Entourage. This is a time capsule giving us a glimpse to a bygone era. It’s about the first season of Entourage. It was on Page 2. It contained multiple references to a VCR. And the VCR references are somehow less strange than the pop culture references.

Entourage was not as buzzy as Lindsay Lohan’s chest. (Don’t worry, she had turned 18 two weeks before Entourage premiered.) However, the show was buzzier than Tony Danza’s talk show and “Survivor Jenna’s sex tape.” Apparently, these were the four most important things in 2004?

Not much of that will make sense to anyone in cultural landscape of 2015. None of the three celebrities referenced have a career anymore. Page 2 has been gone for years. Heck, even the last hold-out from this column is also gone – Bill Simmons doesn’t even work at ESPN anymore. That’s like showing up to a porn studio and not seeing Dirk Diggler on set. (Yes, there’s a Boogie Nights reference. And 90210. Not everything is different in 2015.)

Truth be told, I remember watching Entourage during its first season. I mean, it was only 11 years ago. And I remember reading this Simmons column in all it’s yellow-background’d glory. Seriously, it was only 11 years ago. Sure, I don’t remember Survivor Jenna (To be fair, it was 11 years ago.), but nobody is perfect. While we’re all a little older now, everyone still uses the same formulas. The only real difference is that Jane’s Addiction broke up. I’ll give you a minute to compose yourselves.

As evidenced by Simmons’ column, Entourage existed in a different time. (Jane’s Addiction was only on their third incarnation.) If anyone cares about the movie past the weekend (which is doubtful), there might be some thinkpieces about the way the movie treats women. Or an oral history about all the women who bikini’d their way onto the Entourage set. But as every single review is pointing out – it’s the same as it ever was.

Each Entourage review is more conciliatory about the movie’s content that the one before. Everything is the same. Vince isn’t doing the movie because of a small problem, the bros bust each other’s balls, and then, the movie’s back on. (Fun fact: In 2004, Simmons had to censor “balls” and “bitch” in columns.)

Entourage is so played out and past relevancy, that the cast of the College Humor video that spoofed Entourage in 2009 now has a more successful former cast members than the thing it was spoofing.

Truth be told, I don’t really have anywhere else to go with this post. Was it an excuse to look back at this video? Probably.

I guess this post is like an episode of Entourage in that way. I gave you some pretty pictures and some stuff you recognize and didn’t take up that much of your time. The whole point of this was to let you know that I remembered these trivial cultural landmarks. Hopefully, I passed the VCR Clock Test.

So watch the spoof. Read Simmons’ old column. Relive 2004, if you must. Just do it here, cheaply, on the Internet. Otherwise, they’ll make a sequel and we’ll have to remember forgettable things from 2015, like the Entourage movie.