EPL Review: Manchester United's Attack Fizzles

Week Three of the 2015-16 EPL season is in the books, save for the marquee Liverpool-Arsenal match Monday afternoon. Let’s take a quick look around the weekend results … 

Strike down?: One of my old high school teachers had the slogan, “A lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute and emergency on my part” hanging in his classroom, presumably to stop any excuses for students who didn’t do their homework. Maybe Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal has a similar message — albeit likely in Dutch — tacked somewhere in his Old Trafford workspace.

United drew Newcastle United 0-0 on Saturday, bringing the Red Devils goal total to a whopping two in three games — one of the two was an own goal vs. Tottenham. Hence, seemingly every single person who follows the EPL is either a) roasting the performances by the artist formerly known as Wayne Rooney (last goal April 4) and or b) surmising United need to bring in a striker before the transfer window closes, especially since Pedro signed for Chelsea last week.

Van Gaal, well, he doesn’t apparently care what anyone else thinks. Quote via ESPN FC:

"“I have a lot of options,” Van Gaal said. “I have chosen Chicharito [Hernandez], because he is another type from Rooney, and we have also Fellaini, who is another type, then I have Wilson and Januzaj, so I don’t think we need a striker. “If he is the best striker in the world then, yes, we need him, but if he cannot contribute in our eyes, then we won’t buy any striker. But when he does, we shall buy.”"

Over the weekend the rumor mill linked Neymar to Old Trafford. Given Barcelona sold Pedro and can’t add any new players until January this seems nothing more than fiction … at least until next summer.

If we take van Gaal’s criteria for a striker here’s a short list for Ed Woodward:

• Zlatan Ibrahimovic … who hates van Gaal dating back to their Ajax days, so that’s not happening.
• Luis Suarez … same boat as Neymar, not a chance Barça sells.
• Karim Benzema … Manchester United appear more enamored by Gareth Bale than Benzema and won’t land either. Benzema tweeted his affinity for Real Madrid on Monday, regardless.
• Harry Kane … Surely not even close to the best striker in the world, but someone who’d score in the EPL and I think you’re required by law to link him to United.
• Edinson Cavani … might make sense if PSG is itching to sell.
• Thomas Müller … not exactly an orthodox striker and Bayern don’t want to sell.

This late in the window there isn’t exactly a player sitting out there for United to grab who’ll instantly provide goals. Given that United’s had close to three months, if not longer, to come up with a transfer strategy perhaps van Gaal isn’t blowing smoke up everyone’s butts. Maybe he’s happy with Rooney et al to provide goals, saying nothing of the decision to let Robin van Persie sign in Turkey.

On the other hand, despite two goals in three matches United have seven points. The Red Devils are one of three teams, along with Manchester City and Liverpool (two games played at time of this writing) that haven’t allowed a goal yet, thanks in no small part to the improved performance of Chris Smalling and the addition of Morgan Schneiderlin.

Glass half empty? Glass half full?

That all depends on how much Rooney has left as he stares down his 30th birthday on Oct. 24, or if van Gaal is comfortable tinkering with his formation and using Memphis in front of goal, as he did with Arjen Robben at the 2014 World Cup. It’s also worth considering how much panic there’d be about Rooney had he ended up finishing the United movement vs. Spurs, which ended up as a Kyle Walker own goal.

Rooney needs to get better or else United is in line for a lot of 1-0 results this season, which doesn’t bode well given how many different ways Manchester City looks like it will be able to get goals this year aside from Kun Agüero.

An impossibly modest proposal: Once, just once, could Chelsea finish a game in the 2015-16 season without some sort of sweeping narrative arising from it? The latest is John Terry’s red card in Sunday’s win vs. West Brom, which will only amp up the John Stones speculation. Ordinarily a 34-year-old center back being beaten for pace (repeatedly) isn’t all that newsworthy, but it’s Chelsea and Terry’s blood might as well be blue — he is the embodiment of the club, giving the English media a week’s worth of screaming headlines.

Set aside, if possible, Terry’s odious personality. Starting 14 straight seasons in the EPL is an accomplishment. Guts and guile can cover up a lack of foot speed only so long, which makes Terry’s evergreen 2014-15 season all the more impressive. In short, Terry’s decline is understandable. More perplexing for Chelsea and Jose Mourinho is the performances of Cesc Fabregas and Branislav Ivanovic in the early season.

Chelsea plays Crystal Palace Saturday. The mind wonders what from will arise from it …

Burn: the Saturday EPL matches needed water breaks due to high, 80-degree temperatures in England. This prompted a barb from Landon Donovan:

To be fair, 80+ degrees in England must feel akin to the surface of the sun.

Either way, if the English media realized the amount of travel and the summer heat during the MLS season, perhaps they’d limit their potshots from across the Atlantic. Commentators talk about how long a trip it is from London to Newcastle, but that’s basically Philadelphia to Boston (in fact, shorter) which is considered a short trip by North American sports standards.

Steven Gerrard also noted the quality of MLS surprised him this weekend before the Galaxy played NYCFC. Perspective is everything in life, isn’t it?

Stat of the week:

Odds & Ends: Manchester City continue to impress, winning against Everton at Goodison Park 2-0. Next week City hosts promoted Watford looking to go 12-for-12 on points before the International break. … Bournemouth got its first PL victory, beating West Ham 4-3. … A week ago Tottenham blew a 2-0 lead in the final 15 minutes vs. Stoke. Saturday Spurs went up 1-0 on Delli Alli’s first goal for the club, only to give up the equalizer to Leicester a minute later. Woof. … You can apply to be Jermain Defoe’s personal assistant. … Liverpool is close to loaning Mario Balotelli to AC Milan for the season.

[Getty Images]