Between Drunks and Fights, Cam Newton Dancing Should Be the Least of Parental Worries

Cam Newton danced on Sunday. It caused drama. Titans’ defensive players took umbrage at the length and breadth of his maneuvers. And now, the Charlotte Observer claims a Tennessee mom with a 9-year-old child wrote in with a letter to Newton. I say “claims” because this seems like a perfectly penned satirical piece.

"That game happened to be my nine year old daughter’s first live NFL experience. She was surprised to see so many Panthers’ fans sitting in our section of the stadium; that doesn’t happen much at fourth grade football games. And she was excited we were near the end zone, so we would be close to the “action,” particularly in the second half. Because of where we sat, we had a close up view of your conduct in the fourth quarter. The chest puffs. The pelvic thrusts. The arrogant struts and the ‘in your face’ taunting of both the Titans’ players and fans. We saw it all."

Okay, so the first mistake here is attending a live NFL game with a child. I mean, I refuse to believe that the biggest parenting issue coming out of that very questionable decision is an end zone dance. The constant f-bombs or patrons spilling drinks on them on the way down the stairs–these might be a little more impactful on a child. Between the drunks and the fights, Cam Newton dancing is the least of parental worries when it comes to attending a NFL game.

Or as this woman put it regarding some Titans’ fan reactions in the end zone: “instructive, but not necessarily family friendly, suggestions as to how you might change your behavior.” Oh, is that what we are calling it? I’m sure it was the first time all game that fans tried to instruct some players on the intricacies of partaking in carnal knowledge of themselves or others.

Then, the part that I refuse to believe was written by a real person. “I didn’t have great answers for her, and honestly, in an effort to minimize your negative impact and what was otherwise a really fun day, I redirected her attention to the cheerleaders and mascot.”

Yes honey, stare at the scantily-clad and objectified women gyrating instead! Parenting!

This hot parenting take is ridiculous. And I say that as someone that thought Cam Newton’s dance was a tad excessive and can also recognize it as unsporting (along with about a thousand other acts, including by Titans’ defenders, on Sunday). My parenting response–had my kids been looking up from their devices long enough to care about a touchdown dance on Sunday: “Don’t do that in your 6th grade basketball game after a layup, or I will kick your butt.” I find that’s a pretty effective statement of expectations whenever my kids see anything that I do not want them to emulate. Or, you know, “check out those cheerleaders, honey.”