An NFL Quarterback Should Never Dance

A quarterback in the National Football League is not a running back. He is not a wide receiver. He is not a jovial, potbellied lineman. He is a quarterback, a leader of men. If there’s one truism to be asserted about the bastions of American heteronormativity, it’s that NFL quarterbacks should, under no circumstances, dance.

Here is what happens when Peyton Manning hears Rocky Top. The fates have kept good things from happening to Tennessee football for years to contain this.

Once you open the door for Peyton, Eli Manning inevitably follows.

Tom Brady has many talents. Feeling the rhythm getting stronger is not among them.

Aaron Rodgers’ interpretive dance game is fine. But, fraternizing with an unwed female without a chaperone? What sort of example is he setting?

Kurt Warner went on Dancing With The Stars. How will mothers explain him thrusting his hips in the general direction of an attractive woman? How will we explain his white undershirt and relaxed fit pants to Tim Ryan?

John Elway’s dancing is so unclean and horrific it can only be captured in still images. Think how embarrassing it must have been growing up in Denver as John Elway’s kid.

Brett Favre once got down and funky to Vanilla Ice at a Vikings practice. The world was a worse off place for it.

Jim Harbaugh is a Michigan man, not a dancing one.

Steve Young: Hall of Fame QB, not a dancer.

Matt Simms risked castration while wantonly taunting an opponent.

Philip Rivers inflicted whatever the heck this was on the masses.

Brian Hoyer ungraciously showed up an opponent from the Cleveland Browns’ locker room, like he was living it up at an East Lansing apartment party.

And then there’s Chad Pennington…

NFL mores are the one thing standing between us and a full-blown epidemic. If it means crapping on a bit of Cam Newton’s fun, so be it.