NBA Power Rankings vs. 'Star Wars' Characters Remix
By Rob Perez
30. Philadelphia 76ers (1-25), The Tusken Raider:
Living in the caves of Tatooine (worst record in NBA), the Tusken Raider will hoard, pillage, steal, and/or do whatever it takes to survive. No food, no water — but plenty of jokers wearing silly costumes pretending like they belong.
29. Los Angeles Lakers (4-21), Jedi Kit Fisto
– Yeah, he’s technically a Jedi (a NBA team) and has a flashy lightsaber (D’Angelo Russell) … but, there’s a reason why he never says a word in any of the movies — nor should he.
28. New Orleans Pelicans (6-18), Gamorrean Guard
Just when things get tough (like a giant cave monster being let out of its cage and the Gamorrean Guard is trapped in Jabba’s prison cave with it), this Pelicans team squeals like a school girl and runs for the exit — despite looking like, on paper, that they floss their teeth with human’s bones.
27. Brooklyn Nets (7-17), Bossk
Disgusting to look at (Every Nets player), fails its ONLY task of capturing Han Solo (completing a reasonable trade that doesn’t mortgage the future of the franchise), wears a space suit way too advanced for his skill level (NBA jersey), never heard from again after getting its 15 seconds of fame. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2015-2016 Brooklyn Nets.
26. Minnesota Timberwolves (9-15), Nien Nunb.
Has a huge ship at his disposal but no-one ever understands what the hell they’re saying or doing.
25. Milwaukee Bucks (10-16), Emperor’s Royal Guard
You stand around like you own the place after the beating the Warriors. You think you’re the Dark Side’s gift to the Galaxy, but, THE ONE TIME you’re called into action … you stand there and get your doors blown off by a 2-foot, 4-21 record green NBA midget who knocks you unconscious with their thoughts of the future.
24. Washington Wizards (10-13), Sebulba
One badass MOFO (John Wall) with a terrible pit crew (the rest of the Wizards), who is stuck racing pods on the arm pit of Tatooine (Verizon Center), when he should be driving ferraris on the streets of Monte Carlo (Playoffs).
23. Sacramento Kings (10-15), Doctor Cornelius Evazan
Just when you think this guy could be somewhat normal, you see the other half of his face…
22. Portland Trail Blazers (11-15), Porkins
Poor, Porkins. Barely skilled enough to be a Rebel Pilot, he tries so hard — only to have the Empire shoot him out of the sky just as he’s about to blow up the Death Star. Thankfully though, his wingman, Luke (Damian Lillard), can single-handily get the job done from time-to-time.
21. Phoenix Suns (11-15), Salacious Crumb
I know what you are thinking: WHY WON’T THIS THING JUST DIE!? … HOW DID IT GET THE GIG AS JABBA THE HUT’S PERSONAL PET!? In the end, it’s a little rodent that won’t do anything but scratch you.
20. New York Knicks (11-14), Lobot
Just when you think this guy is going to come to the rescue (Porzingis), his batteries run out and we never see him on the screen again for the rest of the trilogy.
19. Houston Rockets (12-14), General Grievous
This machine warrior came flying at us in 2014-2015 with 4 arms, a fleet of star ships, about 12 light sabers, and “knowledge of the Jedi arts” taught to him by Count Morey. On year later: Grievous is lazy, doesn’t keep up with his training, doesn’t care about the defense of his empire — only expanding it, stops giving a shit completely, and in turn: superior Jedi Warriors cut off his arms and shoot him and his fans in the heart every night — making everyone realize he is nothing more than a brand name.
18. Denver Nuggets (11-14), Uncle Owen
You think you’re so wise and knowledgeable … but, after 25% of the movie … everyone realizes you’re still the same droid owner on Tatooine who will find a way to get killed by storm troopers who have no clue how to shoot.
17. Utah Jazz (10-13), Greedo
Sneaky, Greedo. You catch Han Solo off guard with your fancy laser gun (Gobert), only to miss your shot at finally capturing him (now sidelined indefinitely) … and get yourself killed in the process (lottery bound).
16. Orlando Magic (13-11), Count Dooku
You spent all of Episode II doing cool things, like launching boulders at Yoda with your mind — and hell, you had the plans for the Death Star in your possession!! … only to trade away everything, not sign important free agents to supplement the empire, and get your head cut off by a less-talented Anakin Skywalker in Episode III … Long story short: you have been replaced as the emperor’s apprentice (cool, young, small-market team in the NBA).
15. Dallas Mavericks (14-11), Jawa
Little munchkins man’ing/operating the ship during the regular season until Jabba the Hut (Dirk Nowitzki) decides to take over the controls.
14. Detroit Pistons (14-12), Qui-Gon Jinn
You may be a decorated Jedi Master, but you’re clearly out of your league trying to mess around with the Darth Mauls of the world 1-on-1. The most you can do before you heroically die is train your young Padawans and prepare them for the Jedi Trials years down the road.
13. Boston Celtics (14-11), Ewoks
They may look cute and cuddly, but they are fully-stocked with weapons, boobytraps, and warriors on their home turf to win you the battle that decides the fate of the universe.
12. Atlanta Hawks (14-12), Mace Windu
Just when Mace Windu thought he FINALLY had the Emperor cornered in last year’s Eastern Conference Finals, he gets electrocuted off a 1000-story balcony into oblivion — never to be heard of again.
10. Memphis Grizzlies (14-12), Storm Trooper
Everything about you is so intimidating — you work for the empire and have powerful laser guns … but, after 6 movies, the entire Galaxy realizes that you are the least accurate shooters EVER and couldn’t hit a member of the rebellion during battle if your clone life depended on it.
9. Los Angeles Clippers (15-10), Grand Moff Tarkin
You command the most powerful star-studded fleet in the Universe, but, you also let the blueprint of the space station fall into the wrong hands. Thus, you better act fast — otherwise the Death Star may implode all up in your face.
9. Indiana Pacers (14-9), Boba Fett
Your father was decapitated years ago during a Team USA Summer showcase, now: you might have the galaxy’s most vicious, most ruthless bounty-hunter (Paul George), and everyone knows it. When a gangster needs someone to be killed, you are their first call. If you finally find a working jetpack that doesn’t propel you into the mouth of a carnivorous sand monster … there might not be anyone in the universe that can stop you.
8. Charlotte Hornets (14-9), Obi-Wan Kenobi
You’re worthy enough to take on the most powerful force in the Universe 1-on-1 … you do … and then: You disappear!!! Are you dead? Are you alive? Somebody please explain what exactly is going on here and where I might be able to find Obi-Wan Kenobi.
7. Miami Heat (14-9), Chewbacca
Loud, large, and has the most intimidating names in the Galaxy on his roster … Or are you actually just a big softy? We’ll find out soon.
6. Toronto Raptors (16-10), Lando Calrissian
Stop being so two-faced. Are you a good guy or are you a bad guy??? … When it’s all on the line in Episode VI, as expected, you need to come through…
5. Chicago Bulls (14-8), Yoda
Yoda was the most powerful Jedi in the universe. He taught Padawans to become Jedi and raised them as if they were his own (Derrick Rose). He fought the most heroic battles in the galaxy’s playoff history, including a gutter war duel with Emperor Palpatine (LeBron James) on the universe’s biggest stage. Then, after failing to defeat him: Master Yoda retreated into exile for the remainder of his days — never heard from again … only time will tell if Yoda’s decision to fall off of everyone’s radar as a perennial powerhouse was a smart one.
4. Oklahoma City Thunder (16-8), Han Solo
The most swag in the Universe … Commander of the run-down, raggedy Millennium Falcon — Han is able to make it the most lethal ship in the Rebel fleet. Han talks a big game, likes to show off, and tends to outkick his coverage from time to time … but, Han hooked the stunningly-beautiful Princess Leia, showed up to the party to blow up death stars and won’t settle for anything less.
3. Cleveland Cavaliers (16-7), Darth Vader
The only being in the entire universe capable of defeating……………
2. Golden State Warriors (24-1), Emperor Palpatine
UNNNNLIMMMMMITTTTTEDDDDDD POWWWWWWWERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
1. San Antonio Spurs (21-5), Admiral Ackbar
Wait a minute, what on God’s Green Earth is Admiral Ackbar doing at #1 in the Power Rankings!?!??! ….
We haven’t heard a whisper from the Spurs all year ISN’T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE THE WARRIORS THEY ARE THE BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE THEY JUST WON 24 GAMES IN A ROW.
Admiral — the shield is still up! Golden State has enemy ships in sector 47 and San Antonio is ambushing the entire league without anyone noticing!
IT’S A TRAP!!!!!!!!!!