As we’ve learned throughout the course of this vibrant NFL season, the postgame podium can serve as a player’s best friend or their most sworn enemy. It’s proved to raise the personal brands of already established stars — like Russ, Cam, and Tom — to even higher levels, while sinking others like a Newman cannonball. Oh yes, we’re lookin’ directly at you, Carson Palmer, Big Ben, and Blake Bortles.
By now, after an eventual 17 weeks of the regular season, the journey has spoken for itself and taught us what we know all long — only to a more ALARMING degree:
No BYE Weeks
That’s right, Merton. Week 17 was ALL IN just like your neck was during your pad-less days in San Francisco. It’s a god damn miracle you survived. Nonetheless, everyone got to play!
Oh. Kinda. Get healthier and hairier soon, buddy. The latter of which I can only assume will take no longer than 31 seconds.
Eli Manning’s outfit is the perfect summation of the Giants season: A bunch of confusing crap thrown together in an effort to form a synchronized unit that never had a chance in hell of working.
This is exactly what 15-1 is supposed to look like: Dressed to the nines and very self-satisfied. It’s also the lean and grin of someone who just delivered a silent but deadly one and cannot wait for it to reach the first row of reporters.
Is Brandon Marshall conducting a press conference or wrapping a photoshoot for the cover of Vogue? Dude is one of the smoothest dressed guys in the NFL. It’s basically a fierce stand-off between him, Russ, and Cam for the rights to the top of Mt. Fashion. Sorry, Sir Thomas. It is what it is.
Wearing The Hamburglar’s shirt underneath a zip-up sweater is sadly a major breakthrough for Aaron Rodgers, who has so often appeared like a disheveled mess who broke up and got back together with his girlfriend 11 times in the same day.
If you want to get picky and pricky here, you could say Russ’s tie knot sucks and that it’s not centered. But we never get picky and pricky in this space.
Tom Brady has been uncharacteristically lifeless as of late and there’s really one, and only one, explanation: The Revenant. Leo hasn’t even gotten that Oscar yet and Tommy’s already feeling tragically inadequate despite owning four Super Bowl rings.
Peyton Manning’s enormous head is not permitting me to see what he’s wearing. But it looks very safe and dad-like. That’s pretty much par for the course for Peyton MON-ning, as Bob Costas chooses to call him.
It’s been a weird season for Philip Rivers and the San Diego Chargers of Los Angeles. The guy doesn’t even take his eyeblack off for his press conferences, which is actually kind of perfect. As we’ve learned throughout the season, losing makes people incredibly lazy. RIP Bolo Tie.
Matt Ryan, who has been a mind-boggling mess the entire season, is suddenly ready to catch a hit play with Christopher Walken. A very sad play, it seems. Week to week, you just never know.
It’s pretty wild that the same guy who intensely and hilariously yells “you like that!” can also double for the senior captain of the debate team.
He’s basically the NFL’s Daniel Bryan. Unexpected success and he has his own special chant now. YES! YES! YES!
Jay Cutler busted out the leather and a Vanderbilt cap. This will cause at least one Chicago writer to question Jay’s loyalties and all the negative vibes he’s subtly sending towards Bears management, his teammates, the fans, the team mascot, and your mom. It’s happened before, it’ll happen again. Have fun, Steve Rosenbloom!
A tribute to a Who from Whoville or a touching nod to The Coneheads? Whatever. Nothing is moe adorable than the Houston Texans making the playoffs for the sole purpose of embarrassing the franchise. Again. Best of luck!
In this day and age, trends come and go faster than Alexis Texas. This would be an example of going. Fun idea, though.
This isn’t even Vince Wilfork after the game, but so rarely do we get to see big Vince on the main stage that this will have to do.
Only Big Ben would conduct a press conference summoning the scent of his own ass while dressed like a homeless person who isn’t actually homeless.
Why does it always seem like anyone and everyone associated with the Cleveland Browns organization looks like they’d rather be eating glass underneath a vengeful lawnmower?
This is what I imagine it might look like if one were to ask Antonio Brown if they could try on his chain. Antonio has been doing the heavy lifting all season long for his offensively unfashionable quarterback.
Fun Fact: Bill Belichick has absolutely no idea what it means to interact with other human life forms.
Funner Fact: Bill Belichick would prefer that someone pull on those hoody strings until he can no longer breathe rather than answer another question from a filthy plebeian.
Someone played a trick on Sammy Watkins. Poor bastard had no idea cameras were rolling.
Considering Stephen Ross is the first known ventriloquist’s dummy to miraculously spring to life, he dresses and functions rather admirably.
Tyrod Taylor ensured the Jets season went extinct and will now serve as the lead runway model for the latest and greatest Yeezy 750 Boosts.
Zach Mettenberger is on his first day at the job as the new busboy and is already being yelled at by the waiters. Even the new ones.
NaVorro Bowman is here because I like his casual approach that still manages be stylish. It’s the perfect mix. He’s also here so that I can express just how much I would rather be struck by a speeding runaway hearse than be tackled by NaVorro Bowman.
Richard Sherman, who’s lookin’ shahhhhhp here, always seems to be telling himself a hilarious joke. It’s hard for me to rain on this dude’s seemingly constant joy.
Surprised, Josh? Yeah. Me too.
We almost went 17 weeks without an appearance from Sams. Almost.
Professor Jim Tomsula
This is your last chance to bid a fond farewell to Jim Tomsula, Jim Tomsula’s reading glasses, and Jim Tomsula’s storied postgame sermons. There’s a healthier chance of Jim Harbaugh replacing Judge Judy than there is of this guy being a head coach in the N-F-L next year.
If Blaine Gabbert’s chief goal was to wear a terrible, blinding button-down that would look horrendous on camera, the living legend went above and beyond the call of awfulness.
We’ll allot this space for Charles Woodson and only Charles Woodson. Fans and media alike will continue to gush and say wonderful things about this man and his accomplishments right up until the very moment he comes out of retirement and signs with the Patriots.
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Big Ben’s Antlers
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Fur Coats & Christmas Suits
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Cam Newton’s Dead Rabbit
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Cam Newton Attends the Oscars
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Tom Brady’s Depression
Related: NFL Fashion, Turkey Day: Psycho Aaron Rodgers
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Von Miller’s $400 T-Shirt
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Johnny Manziel Needs a Stylist
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Jameis Winston’s Clown Suit
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Brandon Marshall as Don Draper
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Is Tom Brady Going Bald?
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Landry Jones Has Arrived!
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Tom Brady Wins Again
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Kirk Cousins as Will Ferrell
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Tom Brady Being Tom Brady
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Joe Haden as Obi-Wan Kenobi
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: Tom Brady as Morty Seinfeld
Related: NFL Podium Fashion: A Look Ahead