2016 Presidential Candidates Power Ranked By Football Fandom
By Ty Duffy
The Super Bowl is happening. So are the Iowa Caucuses. Why not merge them into one easily digestible list post? Here are the presidential candidates, at least the more or less relevant ones, power ranked by football fandom.
This may be relevant. The bigger sports fan (arguably) has won every presidential election since 1980. If so, not looking so good for the Democrats.
Marco Rubio [Rep] Rubio purportedly received a college football scholarship, from a college that no longer exists to refute him. A Florida grad, he riled up FSU Twitter with an unscripted joke. He can both catch and throw a football, just so you’re aware. Can also name drop Warren Moon.
Donald Trump [Rep] Owned the New Jersey Generals of the USFL. Made the playoffs twice. Acquired another team in attempt to create a super team. But, alas, ran the league aground with a zany scheme to force an NFL merger. Was interested in buying the Bills in 2014.
Chris Christie [Rep] Christie was once the governor calling out NFL writers, spending tens of thousands in taxpayer money for food and drink at NFL games, being an unabashed Cowboys fan, and having an “important, latent homosexual relationship” with Jerry Jones that may have conferred political benefits. Now, Christie is campaigning. So, he’s the guy getting angry about an innocuous fantasy football question distracting us from ISIS.
Jeb Bush [Rep] Bush answers late night football emails promptly. He’s a Miami Dolphins fan, and not a Saban guy. He allegedly got off to a hot start in the 2015 fantasy football season. His beer koozies violated the SEC’s trademark.
John Kasich [Rep] Kasich is a Steelers fan. He banned khakis and the letter M before The Game.
Martin O’Malley [Dem] He’s still running. He’s also a Ravens fan.
Rand Paul [Rep] Has “had a good time” at various college football games.
Ben Carson [Rep] A neurosurgeon who had nothing to say about football safety. He did pray with Dabo Swinney though.
Ted Cruz [Rep] He made a lame joke about Deflategate. He made a lame joke about Texas playing like a “girls junior high team.” If you play fantasy football, the terrorists win…
Hillary Clinton [Dem] Bill is “a fanatic” for Arkansas. Hillary somehow manages to sound like she’s smoke screening during an innocuous question from her own YouTube page.
Bernie Sanders [Dem] In a shocking development, the avowed socialist from Vermont is not a football fan. According to his wife, he once turned off the Super Bowl at halftime, presumably to yell about policy.
Carly Fiorina [Rep] She abandoned her alma mater, Stanford, before the Rose Bowl against the Iowa Hawkeyes, in a shameless ploy for attention in Iowa. She’s the worst.