Game of Thrones: "Oathbreaker" Recap

Previously On – We flashed back to King Robert putting a feather in the hand of the Lyanna Stark statue. Plus a bunch of more recent stuff.

Jon Snow – What happened to Jon Snow’s underpants between episodes? Did Davos remove them? Is that what woke Jon up? The Lord of Light being stabbed was bad enough? Er.

So, I was thinking that there were a lot of parallels between Landfill and Landfill 2 from Beerfest and Jon Snow and Jon Snow 2. They both show up, know everything about everyone already and insist on going by the same name and skip that awkward getting to know each other phase.

Ser Davos – “You were dead. And now you’re not. That’s completely fucking mad, seems to me.” Is this guy a master motivator or what?

Tormund – His crazy sideways looks and dick jokes make him a very lovable character. I really hope he and Jon stay close.

Sam – Tricking your girlfriend into meeting your parents? That might start a fight. Tricking your girlfriend into living with your parents while you go off to college? That’s probably never worked out for anyone.

Young Nediana Jones Chronicles – It seems a Ned flashback is going to tell us something important. Most likely when he finishes climbing all those stairs. We also learned that Ned has lied. And Bran is going to give book readers all the answers they have ever craved.

Old Man in a Tree – “You think I wanted to sit here for a thousand years?” Honestly? No.

Dany – [hits play] They couldn’t get her a horse? Dothraki must have some intense Fitbit challenges. And now we wait.

Dosh Khaleen – All sororities have some light hazing. Dany had to eat a stallion heart and they’re still not happy. Sheesh.

Varys – I don’t know if I want that woman’s son to be named “Dom” or “Dong.” One is a Fast & Furious reference, the other is just funny.

Missandei and Grey Worm – These two are dreadfully boring.

Tyrion – Such a great character, but nothing to do while Dany, Jorah and Daario are off on adventures. He basically shows up, says “Varys doesn’t have a penis,” and then we’re on to the next scene.

Sons of the Harpy – Funded by rich masters. I hope everyone had their fainting couches ready for that incredible revelation. Who could have guessed that the overthrown evil rich people were behind this!?

Little Birds – The complicated surveillance network of Westeros is… poor children who are paid in candy.

Jaime – My wife suggested a very bad possibility for Cersei’s trial by combat. I don’t even want to mention it.

Small Council Meeting – I thought Kevin McLannister had gone home. Every episode and season, I feel like there isn’t enough Game of Thrones, but a week later there’s more that I’ve forgotten than remembered.

King Tommen – He’s totally going to be manipulated by the High Sparrow. He’s young and stupid and who wouldn’t convert religions if he thought it would get Margaery back?

High Sparrow – The timing of his speech about mothers on Mothers Day? Game of Thrones doesn’t usually do theme episodes, but when they do, they really do hit it on the nose.

A Girl Has No Name – Even Rocky Game of Thrones had a (second) montage [of Arya learning how to fight]. Jon Snow’s death was less trying than Arya’s blindness.

Ramsay Bolton – Despite the fact that he’ll feed you to dogs, he doesn’t command much respect.

Rickon Stark – Another case of having no freaking clue this character was either lost or just not being shown. Apparently, he hasn’t been shown since a 2013 episode. Convenient time to get captured after wandering around off-camera for three seasons.

Shaggydog – RIP. Are we now down to just 3 direwolves?

Ser Alliser Throne – You know, he was kind of a jerk.

Ollie – Good riddance.

Jon Snow (pt. 2) – I guess technically if you die, your watch has ended. There’s probably not a clause in the Night’s Watch contract about being brought back from the dead, right? Now where is he going? His girlfriend is dead. He doesn’t have a job.

Also, he owes Sam a very, very long letter.