An Actual Guide to When You Should Wear Long Pants in the Summer

Last week, the Awl provided the latest opinion on when a grown man should wear shorts. Over the last three years, there have been almost as many posts written by New York City-area writers deriding shorts as there have been Katie Nolan profiles.

I thought it would be more educational and applicable to real life folks to discuss when it is necessary to wear long pants.

I write on a blog. I work from home. Thus, I don’t have to show up to work in pants. There is a very real chance, like 99% chance, that I do not wear a single pair of pants between May and September. I no longer have friends who are getting married. Maybe a pair of pajama pants just to keep the excitement alive.

So let’s go down it.

• Wear pants when your work requires it: We haven’t evolved as a society enough where every institution of employment is comfortable with you wearing shorts. Until that time, keep getting paid.
• Wear pants if you have to attend a wedding or other formal function: Maybe.
• Wear pants if you have a physical condition that requires it: We are equal opportunity here and want people to feel comfortable, and would never impose a blanket rule.
• Wear pants if you live in Brooklyn, and never get out in the sun: like the Awl.
• Wear pants if you are recording an Outkick the Coverage live feed after a NBA playoff game while on vacation: Keep it clean out there, as live broadcasts aren’t rated.
• Wear pants when you attend a Zubaz night at a ballpark: Fit in.
• Wear pants on a Jet Blue flight, if your stage name is Maggie McMuffin: Jet Blue has standards.
• Wear pants when you go to court, especially when you are the defendant in a criminal case: I was once on the jury, involving the hit-and-run of an African-American driver, where the accused raised his leg in the jury box to reveal his confederate flag-adorned boots. He definitely should have worn longer pants.
• Wear pants when you play in a baseball game: Because even I wouldn’t endorse this look.

Other than that, I would recommend you wear shorts. If you have any questions, consult this site.