Game of Thrones: "The Broken Man" Recap

Game of Thrones – Why so SO SHORT? We can’t get 55 minutes a week?

Brother Shane – Oh, hi Ian McShane! Glad to see you. That’s a nice little building you and your band of merry friends are… building. I feel like we rarely see people building anything in Game of Thrones. There’s a lot of tearing down in Westeros. And the inspiring music. This seems like a completely different show.

And wow that one guy must be pretty strong to be carrying a giant log that it takes three or four people to carry. Why does it seem like there’s about to be some kind of epic reveal and HO-

The Hound – LY SHIT!!! OMG OMG OMG. It’s the m—–f——- Hound! Have we even heard the theme song yet!? No!? Cue the bloody music already!

The Hound (pt 2) – Surprise life > surprise death. First Jon Snow. Then Benjen Stark. Now The bloody Hound. What kept him going? Hate. I had to turn on the closed captioning. I thought he said “cake.”

Brother Shane – Ian McShane saved The Hound. He’s like a cool priest. He swears. He laughs at Sandor Clegane. I think we’re going to really enjoy Ian McShane and The Hound. This is a friendship that may span a lifetime. I am very excited.

High Sparrow – Encouraging congress. No wonder Tommen agreed to an alliance.

Margaery – She’s back in a fancy hat! And drawing secret drawings!

Queen of Thorns – I’m going to miss her. Who else would threaten Septa Unella with a beating?

Septa Unella – It moves and talks.

Jon Snow – He’s moved on from his emo phase to death metal. Maybe a step below death metal. Black metal? He’s even more sullen, but now he’s got a reason.

Wun Wun – His full giant name is Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun. The actor who plays him was The Mountain in season 2. He also was Predator. And he’s a former English professional basketball player. Who knew England had professional basketball? I assume they made one team when they realized they had a guy who was 7’1″. Wait, where were we? Oh yes. “Snow.”

Tormund – When Brienne isn’t around, he’s quite the effective leader. If anyone wants to get anything done, maybe she should stay on the road.

Bronn – Bronn! What a great episode. He said some stuff. Funny stuff. He sauntered. He threatened to f— a guy in the a–.

Jaime – He’s so much better when he’s on the road. If only he was back with Tyrion. I’d pay good money* (*whatever the HBO monthly subscription is at least) to see the look on Bronn’s face as Tyrion and Jaime shared stories of Orson Lannister.

Blackfish – Anyone who has seen that documentary knows better than to try and make a killer whale flinch.

The Freys – They’re about as intimidating and popular as The Fray.

Lady Lyanna Mormont – What do we need to get her running the Seven Kingdoms? Would Jorah turn on Dany if it would help his cousin? And did she just call Sansa “Sandra?” Or is the Bear Island accent just that thick?

Ser Davos of House Seaworth – He’s great with kids. Especially little girls. Kids love the Onion Knight. If only he won the children over by pulling an onion from his satchel.

Bear Island – And I love how everyone thinks the people of their region are worth some multiple of any other people. “Any man from Flea Bottom is worth a thousand people who bathe regularly! It is known!”

Kingslayer vs. Blackfish – I actually think these two would be quite good friends.

Lord Glover – Racist. He’s a racist. The craziest thing about racists in Game of Thrones is that they base their hatred on the number of layers of clothing. Wildlings look the same, but they have to wear more clothes because they’re from further north. The Dothraki wear next to nothing.

Yara – Well, they certainly… fleshed out Yara’s character last night. With Theon less than his old self, she obviously has to do everything. Including the local whores. I think she would make a great King of the Iron Islands. And a powerful ally for House Mormont.

Theon – Drink. How will he f— this up? It’s only a matter of time.

Sansa – It’s never too late for a letter writing campaign. I just wonder who she’s writing. It’s got to be Littlefinger, right? She totally loves him.

Brother Shane (pt 2) – Good speech. Hope he has many more of these as he and The Hound travel through Westeros.

Arya – Theon and Arya are like… a few hundred feet away. Is he on her list? Does she even know what he claimed to have done? Do I need to go re-watch 50-something hours of television to find out? Anyway…

Somebody so small shouldn’t throw around money so willingly. Or talk to little old ladies while there are faceless assassins everywhere. Again, I thought Arya was dead. (And I saw the old lady thing coming.) Just a bad job all around. The Waif didn’t even slit her throat or make sure Arya was dead. It all comes down to next week. This storyline ends. No more mopping the floor or dressing dead bodies or big stick fights.

Brother Shane (pt 3) – Well, shit. That was one hell of a cameo.

The Hound (pt 3) – Officially back. I really hope we don’t have to wait two weeks to see The Hound murder all those people.

Next week – It appears we’ll get Arya vs. Waif, The Mountain vs. The Faith, Jaime vs. Brienne(?! what?) and The Hound’s Combat Comeback. Episodes 9 and 10 will just be Jon Snow trying to get Northern houses to give him more grain.