Game of Thrones: "No One" Recap

Previously On: Think about previous recaps for about five minutes.

Lady Crane – We certainly have spent a lot of time with this theater troupe this year. It’s like a second recap within the episode, except as told by me. “Yeah, so then he shot him on the toilet and there were also boobs!” Anyway, I’m glad Lady Crane decided to dive into the performance and do some re-writes. Have to say I do not agree with messing up Bianca’s face though.

Arya – Hospital? Nah. Theater! How she didn’t die between episodes from, you know, a dozen stab wounds to the chest, is impressive. She’s like the 50 Cent of the Seven Kingdoms.

Geography – What’s west of Westeros? Is this taking place on a globe? What’s happening on the other side of the world?

Hazing – Anyone involved in any sort of club, or organization where hazing is involved should be made to watch this scene. Is that really the “tradition” you want to share?

The Hound – 30-seconds. That’s all The Hound needs to steal an episode. Anything more than that is just icing on the chicken.

Varys – Going on a secret mission.

Tyrion – Bored. Him. Me. Bored.

The Mountain – Well, good to see him do something besides push a public urinater into a wall. The idea of him not participating in a trial by combat is very disappointing. Tommen sucks.

Pod and Bronn – Old friends! Banter! Dick tapping! Comedic violence!

Jaime and Brienne – Old friends! Honor! Duty! Talking about Sansa and the Blackfish! When they went back and forth about who River Run really belongs to, you remember how damn complicated this show is. Or at least why everybody can’t just get along.

Blackfish – We’ve been given multiple old badass dudes this season and then had them taken away almost immediately without ever actually seeing them do something badass.

Tommen – What a turd. Bring back Joffrey.

Cersei – When you prepare to base your entire legal defense on trial by combat and the judge throws out trial by combat, you’re pretty much effed. Same thing happened to Steven Avery.

Tyrion – Oh, look, he’s playing freshman year dorm room icebreakers for the 39th consecutive episode. I guess it’s nice that there were at least some smiles this ti- oh, the slavers are back and the plan only worked for like 2 days. As long as this puts an end to Tyrion asking Missandei and Grey Worm to name their top five Simpsons episodes, I’m happy.

Missandei – Not the first time a pretty girl drinking wine got pity laughs.

Edmure and Jaime – “You’re my prisoner and you don’t have a choice.” That’s just Jaime talking to the audience about scenes where characters talk about how mothers really care about their children.

Blackfish – Surrounded by incompetence. RIP. Epic death scene. Too bad the cameras weren’t rolling.

Lorde – “He’s my lord, my lord! My lord? Lord!? Lord. Lord. Lord. Lord. Lord. Lord? Ya ya ya ya ya.

Jaime and Brienne – Sad waves! Aw. Besties, separated by a boat.

Dany – Walking in like “What the f have you nerds been doing? I leave here on a dragon for a few months and the city goes to shit.” Just kidding. That would be way too much personality for Dany to show. I assume the next episode will start and end with her rattling off her list of titles and we’ll get to see the dragon set one boat on fire. Then Jorah pops in like “Oh, Khaleesi. Research has been going really great, but we need more funding.” Then Tyrion spends the episode finding an extra thousand gold coins in the budget. Seriously, nice to have you back Khaleesi. Hope you picked up your other dragons at the dry cleaners on the way home.

Sandor Clegane – Just a tour de Hound. Insulting everyone. Taking dead men’s boots. Disparaging religion. Giving fans male nudity. Preferring chicken.

Lady Crane – RIP fan theories.

Waif – Why did she use a disguise to get into Lady Crane’s house? Why is she such a shit assassin? Why not use a disguise and just kill Arya like, well, just like the time she basically killed Arya? RIP. Too dumb to live.

Arya Stark of Winterfell – I do appreciate skipping the girl fight that we’ve already seen a million times. Though, one could argue two freaking seasons of storyline had been building towards… Arya chopping a candle in half. Good job? I just hope this means that Arya left with a bag full of faces and the knowledge of all the world’s best assassins. Honestly, I have no freaking clue how she fits into the rest of the show at this point. What good does a lone assassin do in a war against an army of the dead? There are only 15 episodes left in the entire series. Is she going to show up in Winterfell next week and kill Ramsay? What in the world are they going to do with her?

Jaqen H’ghar – Good job? Guess it’s time to recruit some new violent young women to mop the floor and wash dead people’s feet? What I really want to know is why he was in a cell on the way to The Wall in the first place. Remember that’s how he and Arya met? He almost died in season 2. That’s not very good Faceless Manning if you ask me.