Cinco de Mayo weekend means many things to many people. To Americans it mostly means horse racing, prize fighting, Marvel movies and a prominent limes display at your local grocery store. So here’s a list of the Kentucky Derby horses compared to the Guardians of the Galaxy. Luckily, the books the Avengers movies are based on are full of characters and I know a lot about all of them. And the horses. Definitely print this out and take it to your local betting parlor for gambling advice. And we’re off!
1. Lookin At Lee (20-1) – Buddy Lee
Everyone thought Stan Lee was crazy when he named one of the Avengers after his son, blue jeans model Buddy Lee, but he did it and this will probably be Disney’s most profitable movie ever.
2. Thunder Snow (20-1) – Jon Snow
The key to beating the army of the super ice zombies is obviously Jon Snow bringing the thunder.
3. Fast and Accurate (50-1) – XXX
Vin Diesel voices Triple X and he was in the latest Fast & Furious movie. Not all of these are difficult.
4. Untrapped (30-1) – Mantis
If you trap a mantis, let it go. They’re endangered.
5. Always Dreaming (5-1) – Chris Pratt
Chris Pratt is also a character in the Jurassic Park series which is about dinosaurs. I’d like to see an Avenger fight a dinosaur. It might go a little something like this…
The Internet is a weird place. Almost as weird as the galaxy where all these wacky superheroes live!
6. State of Honor (30-1) – The Cost of a 3-D Showing
$18.20 where I live. Oh, that says honor. I thought it was “horror.” As in: “My friends want to see a Marvel movie in 3-D. I am in a State of Horror because of how much it will cost.”
7. Girvin (15-1) – Rocket Raccoon
Girvin is a horse with an attitude and his best friend is a tree thing.
8. Hence (15-1) – Ben Affleck’s Batman
He’s not in this movie, but Bill Simmons says he’s very passionate about the Patriots. Just like his college buddy Hence.
9. Irap (20-1) – Rap Boy
10. Gamora (15-1) – Gunnevera
Which name is the real comic book character? We may never know.
11. Battle of Midway (30-1) – Battle of Wherever the Avengers Are Battling
Epic battle! Epic horsey!
12. Sonneteer (50-1) – Michael Rooker
He had flute in the first movie. Sonnets are like songs, right?
13. J Boys Echo (20-1) – Stan Lee
He’s in all these movies. Just like this horse is in all the Kentucky Derbies. Seriously, watch an old Kentucky Derby in a crowded room. When J Boys Echo comes on the screen all the horse fans will excitedly whisper “That’s J Boys Echo!” to each other because they recognized J Boys Echo. Good job.
14. Classic Empire (4-1) – Wolverine
Classic Empire is the favorite and Wolverine is everyone’s favorite Avenger. His real name is Logan, just like Classic Empire’s real name is Logan. The similarities don’t end there.
15. McCraken (5-1) – The Kraken
McCraken is The Kraken, like in the famous Avengers prequel, Clash of the Titans.
16. Tapwrit (20-1) – Peter Quill
A quill is a thing you write with and can tap on a table.
17. Irish War Cry (6-1) – Conor McGregor
So maybe he really will fight FLoyd Mayweather. Crazier things have happened. Like Americans voting to take health care away from Americans. Man, rich guy shit like horse racing is the perfect time to talk about this.
18. Gormley (15-1)
Actually, I need a minute.
19. Practical Joke (20-1) – Taserface
Apparently James Gunn said Taserface was a dumb character and he wouldn’t put him in a movie. What a time to be alive.
20. Patch (30-1) – Marvel Cinematic Universe
Only two more months until the next Marvel movie. The entire triple crown will already be over.
AE. Royal Mo (20-1) – End Credit Scenes
If these horses were worth putting the race, why didn’t they put them in the race?
AE. Master Plan (50-1) – I definitely didn’t have one when I started this post.