Gordon Hayward Is Ruining My 4th Of July

Gordon Hayward is ruining my day off. No, seriously, Gordon, make up your damn mind! I realize this decision about where you’ll be playing basketball and living for the next few years is important, but there is a beach that should have my butt imprint on it. Not to mention an ungodly amount of hot dogs I should be slowly digesting like so many Boba Fetts in the belly of the almighty Sarlacc. Let’s move this along buddy.

I mean, I know, you’re 27 and you may have to uproot your family and your entire life to another city but have some consideration for the rest of us. Sure, you’re probably deeply torn between loyalty to Brad Stevens in Boston and the team that drafted and developed you in Utah, and yeah, that whole “no state income tax” thing in Miami might help set your family up for generations. But dude, hurry up, there are about six watery domestic beers with my name on them!

Let’s look at this logically:

-If you turn down the Celtics Stevens will probably never return your calls, stop inviting you to Butler reunions and start blaming you for missing “the shot.” The bromance will almost certainly be over.

-If you leave Utah, Jazz fans will boo you mercilessly every time you come back. I mean, Ricky Rubio flew in from Spain to help pitch you!

-If you don’t pick the Heat, Pat Riley will almost certainly find a way to get even. You don’t cross Pat Riley, Gordon. He always finds a way to get even.

I know, all of those sound awful, but that’s what being an NBA free agent is like. You’re almost 30, time to put your big boy pants on and make a decision, because I’ve got an inevitably underwhelming fireworks display to watch.

Can I level with you Gordon? You’re not winning a title any time soon no matter where you go. The Golden State Warriors are the champs and will be for a while. They crushed your Jazz in four games this year and barely broke a sweat. Did you see what they did to LeBron James and the Cavs? I don’t feel like I’m breaking any news here, but you’re not LeBron James. When actually trying Kevin Durant would turn you inside out, then back again just for fun.

Just pick a place and end this madness Gordon, I’m begging you. There’s only a few hours left in my day off and I have a lot of catching up to do.