This was a weird episode. An unlikely sex scene, a surprise battle scene, a very uncomfortable scene. It had it all! Game of Thrones recap! Now!
Dany – She spent 6 years wandering through the desert and now people are just dropping by nonstop.
Varys – You know, in 2017 we’re not supposed to be so worried about people who change employers so often, but just because a guy spies on whoever he’s working for and then immediately turns on his new boss you’re supposed to be suspicious? Good thing Dany just wants a ride on the Straight Talk Express.
Missandei – Not many people get to “well, actually” the Mother of Dragons and live to tell about it.
Melisandre – She must constantly be setting her friends up on blind dates. I mean, she meets one king who is single and then she sprints across the world because she heard there’s a single queen and she just knows that they should exchange ravens. Most of the Lord of Light’s prophecies actually end with “I think you two will really hit it off!”
Ser Davos – Man, if only Princess Shireen could see him now. Sitting around a fire, reading notes with a king and a high-born lady like he’s been doing it all his life.
Sansa – Just a guess, but I think she’s going to disagree with whatever Jon suggests when he returns from his meeting with Dany.
Cersei – She loves ruling by fear, but all the people who insist you must rule by fear are supporting Dany. Oh, sweet irony!
Maester Qyburn – The confidence with which this guy says he’s working on a dragon solution–and then cut to a giant-ass crossbow. Which is set up in a dragon crypt.
Jorah – He gets an extra night in his dungeon-ish room because he’s a knight. Which is nice. Less so when the least experienced person in the entire place shows up in the middle of the night and starts scraping the scabs off your entire body. If he ends up doing less than marry Dany you have to wonder if any of this was worth it.
Sam – The episode description says “Sam risks his career and life.” It’s the first time I’ve noticed an episode description in 7 seasons. “Sam risks his career” is pretty amazing I think.
“Have you studied the varying rates of Greyscale progression in infants and fully grown men?”
No, but I did stay at a Citadel dormitory last night.
Giant-Ass Crossbow – Seriously, this thing was so dumb. It’s going to be really incredible when:
A.) somebody shoots The Mountain with it or…
B.) The Mountain picks it up and uses it like The Rock uses that giant machine gun in Furious 7.
Dany’s Council of Ladies – The parallels between this group and Dunder Miflin’s Party Planning Committee are staggering.
Tyrion – He’s got a perfect plan that cannot possibly fail. Question: In 6 previous seasons, did we ever see Casterly Rock? I’m starting to think they never even built a set. So anytime someone says “I’m going to Casterly Rock” just assume something will ruin their travel plans.
Missandei and Grey Worm – Oooooooooookaaaaaaaay then… Just when you think HBO has done every sex scene possible, you get one with a eunuch. This scene just goes to show that Jackie Treehorn knew what he was talking about when he said the brain is the biggest erogenous zone. Seriously, that editing tho…
Jorah – Dear Khaleesi,
I wrote you, but you still ain’t raven…
Good luck killing Jorah Mormont with a sword. You’ll need special scissors to cut through all the gauze he’s going to have to wear in the coming war.
Samwell – On some Greg House shit.
Can John Bradley sing? Can we give him Josh Gaad’s career? Please?
Ed Sheeran – No one knows where our favorite musically-inclined Lannister soldier is, but I’m sure he’ll pop up again in a very important scene later this season.
Hot Pie – Can we get him on the Great Westeros Bake-Off?
Arya – What is the legal drinking age in the Seven Kingdoms exactly? Ignore that question. I worry whenever a Stark finds out the location of another Stark. They then set off on a quest to see the other Stark and just miss them. Or die. Remember when this entire show was dead Starks?
Jon Snow and Sansa – We know they talk in private. We saw it earlier in the episode. Stop having these arguments in front of people. It makes everyone uncomfortable.
Lord Glover – Congratulations on sharing an opinion and then having the pre-teen girl back you up for the first time ever.
Sansa – The only Stark in Winterfell. Again, she would have known she would be in charge if they had talked for like 30 seconds in the hall before that meeting.
Littlefinger – When you hear your crush is going to be home alone:
Jon Snow – His principles are pretty strong if he never even got around to saying “thanks” to Littlefinger for riding in with a cot damn army to save his ass and accidentally turn him into a king.
Littlefinger – That feeling when you forget you are Facebook friends with your crush’s big brother and you used a location tag
Nymeria – Welcome back. I see you have some new friends. Coolcoolcool. Thanks for not eating Arya. That was nice of everyone. Good dog!
Dornish Wine – It’s really good. Did you hear? Just ask anyone from Dorn. Best in the world.
Euron Greyjoy – I feel horrible for questioning Euron last week. He cleaned up and put on something he bought at Express, but that was just him trying to look presentable. Trying to look presentable by crazy person standards. He’s back to being the best character on the show. I now want to see his entire courtship of Cersei. Give me everything. Give me a miserable bachelor party with Jaime sulking in the background and Euron… I don’t know. Does crazy shit. He’s the best. And he and his ax come alone and save the entire damn episode. And he killed 2 of the 3 Sand Snakes. Euron for President.
Theon – For a brief moment there, he looked like the guy who killed John Wick’s dog. Then he gave the biggest NOPE in television history.