Good morning. Have you traveled the world as quickly everyone in the Seven Kingdoms recently? The way characters moved from place to place in this episode makes me think the White Walkers might just overshoot all of Westeros and end up in whichever of the 14 seas are to the south.
Remember I predicted my child would be born and ruin a recap? Well, he wasn’t born on a Sunday, but holy crap am I tired. Blame that and a complete lack of editorial oversight for any errors in this week’s recap.
Jon Snow – Welcome to The South. Don’t feel like you should dress for the weather. No one else does. Jon is like a door-to-door salesman, trying to sell a vacuum to someone with hardwood floors, but the salesman knows the house is going to be carpeted in the near future whether the homeowner wants carpet or not.
Missandei – Hearing her referred to as the “Queen’s most trusted adviser” is odd. Still, when she busts out the full resume to let somebody know who exactly it is that they are addressing, it sends chills down the spine. No, wait, that’s Winter.
Ser Davos – Not the best hype man. Still, an inspiring motivational speaker.
Melissandre – Fire and Ice! Nearly a titular line.
Tyrion – Should have been a civil engineer.
Euron Greyjoy – My Euron Greyjoy fanboying is unnecessary at this point. I’ll just leave you with the lines “What a t–t” and “Finger in the bum?” This man is the best. I mean, he’s a horrible monster, but he’s the best horrible monster.
Cersei – The Lannisters winning the Game of Thrones is the most boring and annoying outcome, but it also makes the most sense. Cersei destroying all those to come at her – even killing three dragons with a big, dumb crossbow – and then getting destroyed by the Army of Darkness of the Walking Dead Men.
Qyburn – The most clever man Cersei knows. Remember that big, dumb crossbow? Genius-level thinking.
Ellaria Sand – I assume she’s the one to escape and shoot The Mountain with the big, dumb crossbow. Qyburn really should have seen that coming.
Dragonglass Mining Jobs – Jon Snow and Daenyrs Targaryen are American heroes.
Sansa – Natural leader. Ginger. What an imagination the writers have!
Littlefinger – No matter his motives, he gave Sansa the truest advice.
Bran – The Three-Eyed Raven is so deep. This was his most impressive quote from the episode: “Well, winters are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy winter? No such thing.”
His second best quote was definitely, “This is my best friend, a tree.”
Jorah – Cured! Time to return to Dany and side-eye Jon Snow for a few episodes in the mines.
Samwell – “I read the books and followed the instructions.” Shut up nerd. Make me some damn copies.
Casterly Rock – Of all the pointless plot twists, the idea that Tywinn Lannister put his imp son in charge of designing the sewage system is pretty lofty. I mean, this is an ancient house. Did they do a full redesign like Elin Woods? Just tear down the existing castle and build a new one 20 years ago? And put the least favorite kid in charge of the septic system because they’re the least glamorous blueprints? And considering the outcome of the plan that went along with this detail, a pretty impressive waste of time. Nice to see Grey Worm got to film in a different location though.
Considering last week’s episode, this is actually quite hilarious.
Lady Mormont – We did not see Lyanna this week, but it is safe to assume she’s Bear-splaining something to some mouthy lord in the North.
Queen of Thorns – Did anyone not know that she was the one behind Joffrey’s murder?
Jaime – I’m just too tired. Parenthood, am I right!?