Tom Brady turns 40-years old today. Since Brady will never retire, he’ll never have a Derek Jeter-esque retirement tour where every team gives him gifts. Instead, teams will simply give Brady gifts each season to celebrate his incredible greatness and longevity. Here is what every team in the NFL got Brady for his 40th…
Cincinnati Bengals – They will continue to employ Joe Mixon and Pacman Jones so that there is always a reminder that Tom Brady isn’t the bad kind of evil.
Baltimore Ravens – The team is waiting for their fans’ prayers to tell them what to get Brady.
Pittsburgh Steelers – James Harrison will not lift, throw, push or pull Tom Brady in any of his intense workout videos.
Tennessee Titans – No one actually cares what the Titans did or didn’t do. No one ever has or ever will outside that one Saturday in January 2000.
Indianapolis Colts – None of the team-centric bloggers will talk about how Peyton Manning was actually better than Brady for
the entire season for most of the season for another week today. Nevermind they’ll just get a gift card.
Cleveland Browns – Their gift was the refusal to give up any assets to acquire Jimmy Garoppolo so that another backup couldn’t step in this season that might make Brady further look like a system quarterback.
Jacksonville Jaguars, Los Angeles Rams, Philadelphia Eagles, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions – In addition to not meeting the Patriots in the regular season these teams have all pledged to avoid playoffs and Super Bowl so as to not annoy Brady at all this year.
Washington Redskins – They’ll continue to use Brady as an example in contract negotiations with Kirk Cousins so that they never actually pay him what he’s worth.
Houston Texans – They play the Patriots in Week 3 and J.J. Watt, coming off back surgery, refuses to give less than 100% in training camp.
Denver Broncos – They’ll have the Patriots over for a Sunday evening game after a bye.
Kansas City Chiefs – They’ve given NBC the OK to compare Brady and Alex Smith’s career for most of the season-opener.
Oakland Raiders – They will absolutely give the ball to Marshawn Lynch on the 2 when the teams meet in Week 11.
Los Angeles Chargers – They’ll play a 1pm Eastern game at New England. Assuming they have enough players to field a travel team in Week 8.
Dallas Cowboys – A promise to distract from whatever the Patriots do, but without the success.
New York Giants – The Giants have pledged not to beat Brady at all during the 2017 calendar year.
Green Bay Packers – They’ve offered Brady a date in February.
Minnesota Vikings – Brady gets a free shot to try and hurt Mike Zimmer.
Atlanta Falcons and Seattle Seahawks – After the exorbitant gifts these teams gave Brady the last few years they don’t need to get him anything.
New Orleans Saints – Last year’s second-worst scoring defense on 10 days rest in Week 2.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – A Thursday night game in early October.
Carolina Panthers – A promise that win or lose, Cam Newton will wear a dumber postgame press conference outfit in Week 4.
Arizona Cardinals and Dallas Cowboys – These teams will celebrate Brady’s birthday by playing a professional-ish football game to “start” the NFL season.
Miami Dolphins, New York Jets and Buffalo Bills – These three franchises got together for a group gift – another super easy path to the AFC East title. The Bills won’t play the Patriots early in the season during their annual “hey the Bills might actually be good this year” period. In fact, The Jets are hosting a training camp quarterback competition between Christian Hackenberg, Josh McCown and Bryce Petty. Finally, the Dolphins threw in an injured Ryan Tannehill.
New England Patriots – Another year of stifling Jimmy Garoppolo’s professional and earning potential.