Fantasy Football Is Dumb and I Quit and I'm Never Playing Again

Fantasy football can ruin friendships. I saw it with my own eyes two years ago when a slightly unbalanced trade was vetoed in a league I was participating in. The details of the deal are unimportant. The lesson is that fantasy football is dumb and should be avoided at all costs.

That was my last season playing fantasy. I finally walked away after years of vowing to never play again. Last year was delightful. I was able to watch football without paying attention to the scroll on the bottom of the screen. It no longer mattered how many yards Allen Hurns gained in the latest Jaguars loss. I was free.

Then in August I was asked to manage the day-to-day online operations of my technologically impaired father. He drafted the team and picked the lineups and I just had to do some clicking. Being the dutiful son I am, I agreed. Three months later I’m quitting fantasy football all over again.

How am I mad online again about something I gave up? Why am I irrationally upset at basic math? Because two ties should not equal a win. Assuming Joe Mixon does not scored 63 points in a standard scoring fantasy league, “my father’s” team will finish tied with two other teams for the 6th and final playoff spot and be left out of the playoffs. Two teams – including “my father’s” will be 6-7. The team that gets in will be 5-6-2. I don’t understand how a team with fewer wins gets in over a team with more wins.

I understand that this is apparently conventional. Simple math says that .5 + . 5 = 1. Two ties equal a win. Sure. But this still seems counter-intuitive to me. The first tie breaker in the standings should be the number of wins. Am I crazy for thinking that?

I probably am. Again, I understand why two ties would equal a win, but they really don’t. Not in my America.

But why am I so upset? This isn’t my team. This isn’t my money. I was able to avoid all the scroll-watching and stat-checking all season. I watched football when I could, but it didn’t consume me like it used to. I did the bare minimum all season just making sure there was a full lineup set. Sure, my father stopped calling me to tell me who he wanted in the lineup in week 3 and picked up and dropped kickers and defenses and put in way too big of a bid on Josh Gordon when he was reinstated. And much like the Giants, I unceremoniously benched Eli Manning. It was a tough call. Especially after a few good games early and…

Dammit.

I got tricked into playing fantasy football again. It happened so easily that I barely noticed until my anger began to rise this morning when my brother pointed out that MY TEAM would miss the playoffs because of some jag who tied two fantasy football games in a single season. Who does that!? And how did it end up screwing me? Two ties are not as good as one win. They just aren’t. I hate fantasy football. It’s so stupid. I’m never playing again. I’m glad I didn’t make the playoffs. Would have lost on some bullshit there too. Just like three years ago when I had the best record all season and barely got my money back because of some garbage that I don’t even remember and definitely doesn’t still eat at me.

This is really is the worst. Fantasy football is both the poison and the disease. It is dumb and I’m never playing again. For real this time.