If We're Talking About Matt Patricia's Beard, I Have a Wild Idea for the Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions will hire New England defensive coordinator Matt Patriciawhen the Patriots’ Super Bowl run ends. Detroit media is writing about Patricia’s famous beard because copy must be filed seven days a week. To be fair, this photo of a clean-shaven and younger Patricia is quite jarring.

As with most people, the defensive guru looks better with the scruff. No sane person would say otherwise. A theory that Patricia, like Samson or Jason Giambi, would be rendered completely ineffective and weak without his beard has emerged. The hard science on the issue is still out at the moment.

But as a long-suffering Lions fan and facial hair enthusiasts, I’ll take it upon myself to use this new revelation for an important and constructive purpose. What if the Lions front office writes a beard-centric clause into Patricia’s contract?

Just spitballing here, but how about an incentive-based agreement.

• Year 1: The Lions must make the playoffs in order to keep the beard.
• Year 2: The Lions must win a playoff game in order to keep the beard.
• Year 3: The Lions must make the Super Bowl to keep the beard.
• Year 4: Super Bowl or shave it off and never grow it again.

Seems simple enough. And hey, nothing the Lions have ever tried has worked. One can think of no greater  — or dumber — motivational tactic.