Rangers 12, Indians 8: For the first time since they won the AL West in 1996, the Texas Rangers are 3-0. Making win number three relatively easy for them was Indians starter Carl Pavano, who pitched about as bad as any human could pitch, officially going just one inning and giving up nine runs. Marlon Byrd and Ian Kinsler led the feeding frenzy for the Rangers, as they both homered and combined for 8 RBI on the afternoon. Grady Sizemore had a big day for the Tribe, going 2-for-5 with 4 RBI and making these chicks really happy.

Reds 8, Mets 6: Joey Votto continued his torrid start for the Reds with three hits and 4 RBI, chasing starter Oliver Perez who was awful, giving up five hits, five walks and eight runs in 4 1/3 innings of work.  Red starter and talented musician Bronson Arroyo celebrated his first win of the season by inexplicably covering the Goo Goo Dolls outside the locker room showers. Carlos Delgado and Ryan Chruch each had two RBI for the Mets, and Hall of Famer Daniel Murphy went 2-for-5 with two runs scored.

Royals 2, White Sox 1: Great pitcher’s duel between K.C.’s Kyle Davies and Chicago’s John Danks. Davis went seven innings, giving up just three hits and striking out eight, while Danks pitched six innings of three-hit ball. Coco Crisp’s two-run shot off human keg Bobby Jenks in the ninth was the difference. Through three games, Kansas City’s starters have pitched 20 innings and given up only one run. No more Rays jokes and now possibly no more Royals jokes? This is getting depressing.

Yankees 11, Orioles 2: New York got their first win of the season with key contributions coming from guys who won’t be considered true Yankees until some guy named Vinny calls WFAN and says they’re true Yankees. A.J. Burnett pitched 5 1/3 solid innings, surrendering seven hits but allowing just two runs. Nick Swisher had a huge afternoon with three hits and 5 RBI, and Camden Yards favorite Mark Teixeira hit a solo shot that inspired this hideous call from John Sterling: “And Mark Teixeira delivers a ‘Tex Message’ to left field!” Spork, now.

Cardinals 2, Pirates 1: Chris Carpenter, who had been 0-2 in 21 1/3 innings over two injury plagued seasons, took a no-hit bid into the seventh inning and won for the first time since Game 3 of the 2006 World Series. Ross Ohlendorf, who came over from the Yankees in the Nady/Marte deal, held his own for the Pirates, going six innings and giving up two runs on seven hits. The Cards got both of their runs in the seventh inning off singles from Yadier Molina and Brian Barden. Andy Van Slyke made a filthy diving catch in while reenacting plays in his living room.

The Angels postponed their game with the A’s due to the tragic death of pitcher Nick Adenhart. Scott Boras, who spoke on behalf of Adenhart’s family, broke down while discussing the pitcher.