Cubs 11, D-Backs 3: You know you’re gonna lose big when three different pitchers can’t figure out how to get the other team’s pitcher out. Carlos Zambrano singled, doubled and homered before being lifted after 111 pitches, missing that elusive triple for the cycle. In a furious fit of celebration, Zambrano morphed into a snapping turtle and screamed obscenities at the ground.

Phillies 7, Nationals 1: Utley went yard twice and it’s safe to say no one in Philly is missing Pat Burrell except for all the drunk chicks roaming around Old City, as Raúl Ibañez hit his seventh HR of the season. Cole Hamels left in the fifth inning after spraining his left ankle trying to field a bunt, but x-rays were negative.

Indians 9, Red Sox 8: Kerry Wood was shaky once again but avoided disaster this time, giving the Indians a chance in the ninth. Boston reliever Javier Lopez wasn’t so lucky. He dropped a flip from Youikilis while covering first, allowing Mark DeRosa to score for the always visually pleasing, error-at-first-walk-off win.

Twins 4, Rays 3: With the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, Justin Morneau hustled up the line to beat out a potential double play for the even more visually pleasing beat-out-the-throw-walk-off win. Whatever, a win is a win.

Marlins 7, Mets 4: Florida snapped a seven game losing streak (which amazingly still had them in first place) behind Jorge Cantú and his two home runs. Sean Green was the Mets culprit in this one, giving up four runs in the seventh. On a completely pathetic note: A pregame tribute was held to honor long time Met Gary Sheffield for hitting his 500th career home run earlier this season.

Yankees 11, Tigers 0: Phil Hughes (6 IP, 2 H, 0 ER, 2 BB, 6 K) is the Hero Of The Day. He didn’t come back out for the seventh because the top half turned into a 40-minute, 10-run inning for the Yanks. Expect the unfamiliar love to last roughly six days.

White Sox 2, Mariners 1; Mariners 9 White Sox 1: In the first game of the doubleheader, the Mariners lineup couldn’t do enough for Chris Jakubauskas (8 IP, 2 H, 2 ER). Even more shocking, it was Bartolo Colón who they struggled against. In game two, they got plenty of offense but a couple runs would’ve served them fine thanks to King Felix, who was lights out.