TBL golf correspondent Spencer Dieck of Tuna Golf offers his thoughts on the US Open, which began today at soggy Bethpage Black.

A Handy Guide to the US Open
Mike Davis: The US Open was always a torture track with the thinnest fairways, fastest greens, longest rough and, most importantly, the highest scores. Par was sacred, and this was reflected in previous USGA course guru Ron Meeks’ WAY over the top setups from the famed Massacre at Winged Foot, to the 18th green being unplayable at Olympic, to the disaster setups at Bethpage and Shinnecock. The Open’s history of pain is rich.

Enter Mike Davis in 2006 and we’ve had, in succession, three of the most absolutely fantastic golf tournaments of all time, including last year’s, which might have been the greatest. And yet, the lowest score of any of them? -1.

Davis’ two biggest themes have been graduated rough and mixing up tee boxes. The graduated rough means that a guy who misses the fairway by a foot isn’t going to be in 6” rough, meaning the penalty matches the crime and the tee box alternation makes the US Open not just a physical test of controlling your game, but a mental one as well. Do you go for that drivable par 4? Do you go for that par 5 green with water in front?

Augusta has all the pretty landscapes and the lame jacket, the US Open has the best courses and the smarter people running it and that’s why it’s now the premier golf tournament worldwide. This is going to be a tournament that features one of the best courses in the country and will reward the best players. And we have Mike Davis to thank.

Bethpage Black: This is the 2nd hardest course in America behind Oakmont. They say it’s playing fair, but fair is relative, and Bethpage Black is never fair. The recent rainfall has softened the course, meaning the 7,400+ brutal yards are going to be downright cruel? All the short hitters went from having a 1% chance to having a 0% chance.

Bethpage is like fighting in-his-prime Mike Tyson. From tee to green you just get devastated by body blows until you can’t breathe anymore. Bethpage has this thick, nasty rough everywhere you look and it’s not like your regular rough, oh no, it’s this super skunk, glue covered, sticky-icky blend of Satanic crab grass that is damn near impossible to advance your ball out of. Graduated rough my ass, it was only 3” in 2002 and guys were forced to pitch out sideways.

So you’re all beat up just getting to the greens, and then you get hit by that sick uppercut that knocks you out. It was soggy in 2002 and yet the greens were still rolling at Augusta speeds, and there wasn’t a gimme on the course. Expect to see a lot of 20-footers for bogey and a lot of golfers walking off 18 looking like they just got hit by a bus, because that’s how Bethpage rolls.

New Yorkers: In 2002, people tuned into see golf and a college football game broke out. From singing “Happy Birthday” to Phil to counting out loud the number of times Sergio gripped and waggled, the crowd was a huge part.

They’re loud, they’re proud, and damn, it made for a helluva major atmosphere. I wish all golf tournaments had the type of crowd Bethpage had last time, I just hope they don’t go overboard trying to re-create it.

Tiger Woods: Coming off his best performance since the 2008 Buick Invitational, GolfBot 1000 is fully repaired and operational and yet again, the prohibitive favorite. There are horses for courses, and at Bethpage, Tiger is Secretariat. Bethpage Black requires you to hit high long irons that hold the greens, and the only other player in history who was as good of a long iron player as Tiger was Jack Nicklaus and … well, that’s it. Couple that with his driver coming around and his short game being as razor sharp as ever and…well, maybe you should just rent a movie or something.

Phil Mickelson and Breasts: I have one simple request for the announcing crews – please do not bring up Amy Mickelson’s breast cancer every time Phil takes a shot. PLEASE. We all want her to get better and all that good stuff, but that doesn’t mean we need to hear about it over and over and over and over. Call me callous or an asshole, whatever…this is our nation’s grandest golf tournament, not a breast cancer telethon.

That said, if Tiger’s the runaway favorite, then Phil is the King of the Mortals. He has all of the shots in the bag that Bethpage requires, and in 2002 made a phenomenal charge, but his tendency to spray the ball everywhere is going to hurt him. New Yorkers love him for some reason, so he’ll have the support of the crowd, but I worry his recent layoff is going to hurt his consistency. Even so, he’s a lock for a top 10.

Other Players to Watch: Half the field (i.e. anyone with an average driving distance under 290 yards) simply has no shot and longer guys who are wild off the tee should probably just stay home. In 2002, after the 2nd day it was a three horse race – Tiger vs. Phil and Sergio, all of whom are ballstrikers par excellence. Bethpage weeds out the shitty players right off the bat, so that’s a plus, and it makes this section incredibly easy.

-Sean O’Hair – He’s been the best golfer in the world in 2009. He’s long, straight, and fits the mold of a US Open champion. If he can keep his head together, he’ll top 10 without breaking a sweat.

-Anthony Kim – MIA in 2009 because he partied with Ben Roethlisberger in Vegas in February, and as a result, contracted Big Ben’s moron disease. But he fits the criteria for success at Bethpage.

-Vijay Singh – Injured earlier this year with a torn knee tendon, the Crunchy Fijian is back and playing well. His high ballflight should serve him well.

-Kenny Perry – Might be the best overall driver in the sport and his game fits Bethpage well. The Masters was a gut shot though …

-Angel Cabrera – No joke …he’s got the scalp of Oakmont already and the course fits him perfectly.

-Sergio Garcia - Yea, I’ve said he’s winning this thing for like a year. Then he went and re-pussed on me so whatever…he’s probably the 3rd overall favorite, vagina or no vagina.

Prediction: If it were any other course in America, I might pick someone different, but I just can’t. It’s going to be Tiger. Spend Sunday with your dad because Tiger will have eight strokes on the field by Saturday night and nothing is sadder than listening to Dan Hicks’ verbal fellatio for six hours. Trust me, I know.