ABC has a loose definition of the word “superstars.” The show kicked off last night and was a little… underwhelming. And I wasn’t expecting much.

There were people on this show I’d never heard of. And then there was Dan Cortese. From the intro, it looks like most of the events will take place on the beach. Interestingly enough, the New England Patriots don’t have any athletes participating.

The announcing team is comprised of John Suanders, Warren Sapp and Jenn Brown. Saunders announced the games like he’s explaining it to an idiot. (”He probably wonders where his partner is!” “And there’s his partner!”) Saunders sounded like Warren Sapp plays the role of Erin Andrews and he’s almost as bubbly. Jenn Brown explains the events to us and does post-competition interviews. I like Jenn Brown. I could watch her explain things all day.

The episode started with a biking/running race across a bridge to a resort. The one highlight from the opening event was watching Bode Miller try to run after riding a bicycle a half mile straight up a hill. It looked like Forrest Gump running out of his braces.

The second event was a kayak race. Someone won. I don’t remember who, but it doesn’t really matter. Terrell Owens refused to speak with Jenn Brown after he lost the final race. That’s about it. I mean, this show was kind of boring. Just people running, riding bikes and paddling kayaks. At some point, after losing one of these races one of the athletes has to say, “I play sports. I don’t try to be the best at exercising.”

The other highlight from the kayak race was when Estella Warren may have become the first person to ever use the word, “Clusterf**k” on network television. I figured this was the most noteworthy thing she had ever done. I was wrong. She was #1 on the 2000 Maxim Hot 100 list. She’s a former model and former actress. She’s 30. Quite a shelf life.

The final event was an obstacle course. Terrell Owens got caught in the cargo net. It looked like this. This lead to Joanna Krupa freaking out on him. To tell you the truth, Joanna Krupa was a bitch last night. TO did his best to be a good sport, but Krupa wanted nothing to do with it. They lost and were eliminated. As they walked off, Krupa kept insulting TO and he finally said, “I feel bad for your boyfriend.” Yeah, she’s a seaward, but there are trade offs.

Final Thoughts: *Yawn* I’d rather watch ABC’s other reality/game show competition, Wipeout. I like it when people fall down. It’s nowhere near as badass as G4’s Ninja Warrior. The first episode completely lacked the intensity or sexual tension of any of the Real World/Road Rule challenges. (I mean, all these rich good looking people at a beach resort. Somebody hooking up, right? Perhaps, John Saunders and Paige Hemmis?)

Hopefully in future episodes John Saunders stops sounding like Veronica Corningstone reporting from the cat fashion show. If I had to pick a winner, it would be Lisa Leslie and Dan Cortese. (Ultimate freestyle moutain frolf will come into play at some point, right?) My dark horse is Ali Landry and Jeff Kent.