If you’re not familiar with this little trick, it’s probably better for you.

I’ll explain on the other side of the rabbit hole.

What I do is follow a round of a major championship, but also follow the coverage of it by ESPN’s very good live blogger, golf writer Jason Sobel. It’s confusing for me, but the results for you are far more interesting, and because I (and Sobel) can see what’s going on, we can be your eyes and ears. Because this is Internet: Deep Space 2009, I’ll also be monitoring Sobel on Twitter, as well as the updates of magisterial writer Dan Jenkins. (If you don’t use Twitter, you should, if only to receive Jenkins’ brilliant one-liners.)

Other good resources for following along: An online feed I’ll post in the comments, and the ESPN leaderboard. If you have any messages or questions for me (for example, “Are you insane?”), leave them in the comments or feel free to tweet at me, and I’ll try to include what I can when I can.

And, with that, let’s get our refresh buttons ready. (I’ve been doing this since 8:30, so that’s why those updates exist.)

8:29 AM: Tom Watson’s caddy is Neil Oxman, a political consultant. “If Watson wins, he won’t need the caddying fee,” a TNTer cracks. (You may remember that his longtime caddy, Bruce Edwards, passed away in 2004 after a long, public battle with ALS.)

8:33: Tiger Woods tees off at 2:20 PM local time, which is 9:20 Eastern. So that’ll be fun.

8:36: And TNT goes to break with bagpipes.

8:38: From Sobel, the tale of bitter Brits:

8:18 a.m. ET: E-mail from Brian in North Carolina:

Looks like the fearless leader Monty will miss another major cut.

Sincerely,
Sandy Lyle

I’m telling you, no story — not Padraig Harrington’s quest for a third straight title or Tom Watson’s rise up the leaderboard — has earned more attention in the U.K. this week than the spat between Monty and Lyle. The Ryder Cup drives readership over here and the writers were salivating over the furor created by two of Scotland’s most heralded pros.

Don’t expect this one to end pretty, either. Prior to last week’s Scottish Open, Monty spoke with Lyle about becoming an assistant captain for next year. Now they’re barely on speaking terms, if at all, airing each other’s dirty laundry in the press. And the local folks can’t get enough of it.

Montgomerie went 71-74 and may or may not make the cut. Lyle shot 75-73 and is three shots further back.

Gotta love a feud between mid-level golfers three in the U.S. care about. This is like Tyler Thigpen starting a war of words with Jake Delhomme.

8:44: TNT’s showing as much of Tiger on the practice tee as they are the rest of the field on the course. Someone come up with a catty acronym: Tiger Network Today? Tiger Now; Tomorrow? I give up.

8:48: Ernie Johnson, anchoring TNT’s coverage, can’t say the “Jimenez” in Miguel Angel Jimenez’ name to save his life. It should be “HEH-mi-nez,” but he’s gone with “Heh-meh-NAH” and “Heh-meh-NEH.” Good news for him, though, is that Jimenez, the leader after the first round, has finished his second round 73 (Turnberry is par 70) and fallen out of the lead.

8:54: Dan Jenkins on clubhouse leader Steve Marino:

Steve Marino shot a 68 today. Which is remarkable, because he looks like he broke out of prison earlier this morning.

This moves him into third place on the Marino Recognition Ratings behind Dan and the Band.

8:58: An interview with some fuddy-duddy from the Royal and Ancient about the Open touches on golf entering the Olympics for 2012 and TNT’s coverage ending this year.

9:07: Peter Alliss says something about a “triple tequila with Coke.”

9:09: From Sobel:

9:01 a.m. ET: E-mail from Bob in Boston:

Well, I’m stuck here in my cubicle for the day, but I’m not worried one bit. Why? Jason’s on it.

Um, have I mentioned we have a theme song?

Meanwhile, I believe CRM favorite Asher Roth is working on “I Love Live Blogs.”

9:13: Sure, Tiger’s going to be breathlessly covered today. But at least TNT’s montage of his wins was goosebump-worthy.

9:18: Your Sergio Garcia Schadenfreude update: He’s just smacked an iron directly into a bunker. He’s even for the tournament; leaders Steve Stricker, Steve Marino, and Kenichi Kuboya are -5.

9:20: : The announcer in the tee box sounds like he’s got a mouthful of thistle. Tiger tees off and does his signature driver twirl; he’s in the fairway.

9:22: : Ryo Ishikawa: Bigger than the Jonas Brothers?

9:24: : From Sobel (Travis had previously written in about golfers and their wives scheduling pregnancies around majors):

9:15 a.m. ET: E-mail from Erin in Fort Worth, Texas:

Travis: Don’t know the last time you tried to get pregnant. Unless you are Bristol Palin, it’s not usually a one and done kind of thing (some studies show that it takes, on average, 6-9 months of trying in order to get pregnant). Sure, it would be great if they could plan the pregnancies so they didn’t interfere with the golf career, but in the real world, that’s just not possible. After months and months of trying, I don’t think there is any way the wife of a borderline player would say, “Let’s not try this month, just in case you qualify for the U.S. Open.”

I do believe that Travis and Erin would make the perfect couple, don’t you think? They would agree on everything, get along famously and have a terrific, lasting relationship.

Perhaps that’s our new motto …

The Live Blog: Bringing couples together through golf writing.

Might I suggest reclaiming matchplay.com from the nerds?

9:28: And Sergio made par. Rats.

9:35: In the update of people in TNT’s promo commercial: Tiger made par at the first and is just off the the fairway on the second and two-time defending champion Padraig Harrington is +3 for the tournament.

9:38: TNT’s bumper music is either bagpipes (very nice) or a cheap little horns-and-keys line that makes me think of bad Super Nintendo games I owned.

And the commercial for the PGA’s online store has a little tink-tink sound effect that may actually cause me to punch a hole in my mom’s basement wall. (I’m kidding: I live in Florida, and there are no basements here.)

9:42: From Sobel:

9:28 a.m. ET: Another live blog of the live blog. Internet explodes. Planets collide. World ends.

Yawn. Been there, done that.

Yeah, and the backsides of black holes are nice this time of year.

9:44: EJ on Daly’s pants: “You get an air-sickness bag with those.”

Seriously, Daly looks like a tiger on all fours, if that tiger subsisted on Bud Light and Marlboros and could golf. It’s worse than Ian Poulter, and I thought that was impossible.

9:45: For those complaining about the live blog of golf: I could be live blogging the Ashes. At least these players have hot wives you may have heard of.

9:54: : From Sobel:

9:39 a.m. ET: During the Masters live blog, I solicited lame Jim Nantz winning calls based on players’ last names. Well, if CBS was doing this week’s coverage, here’s guessing this one would be in the mix:

“Kuboya? Oh, boy-a!”

Or maybe this …

“Kenichi? Yes, he can!”

Either way, they’re both awful … and very appropriate right now, as Kuboya currently shares the lead with Steve Marino at 5-under, holding steady with an even-par round through 12 holes today.

And now Kuboya is back to -3 for the tournament. This is an example of Sobel’s Blog Jinx, which mercilessly cuts down all he touches.

So expect this blog to go to the dogs by about 10:28. I can’t fight fate.

9:57: Also powerless against fate: Tom Watson.

He’s just rolled in his fourth straight bogey to fall back to just -1 for the tournament. That’s decidedly not what he wanted to do.

9:58: And Tiger, the only person in the world whose petulance has him whining about being safely on the green in regulation, hits wedge to the green on the third and hits his bag shortly after. Nice work by the TNT crew to cut away from the torrent of expletives.

10:03: Ryo Ishikawa’s head cover is a cartoon version of himself, and/or a “Chucky Goes Asian” version of those Mii things for the Wii.

It’s frightening as hell.

10:07: Your Dun Nuh Nuh Nuh Nuh Go Gators update: UF product Mark Calcavecchia has risen to a three-way tie with Stewart Cink and Vijay Singh for second at -4, and former Gator Camilo Villegas is in a group of eight at -3.

Your Spencer’s Pick update: Martin Kaymer is at -1 after a second round 70.

10:15: I hadn’t seen Steve Marino until just now, but Jenkins’ description was apt.

The guy looks like Ben Roethlisberger if he were a cast member of Prison Break.

10:18: Tiger’s 20-footer for birdie on the fourth slips just right. He’ll stay at +1 after his par putt.

10:24: Jim Huber comes on to reminisce about “The Duel in the Sun” 32 years ago.

He’s like Rick Reilly with Wilford Brimley’s mustache and a bit of competence on camera.

10:28: In no way did that highlight package give me goosebumps. Nope. Not possible.

Okay, fine. But the bit about Barbara Nicklaus texting Tom Watson yesterday stretches credulity.

10:30: A recap of the first round’s principals, as only Hernia can.

10:31: From Sobel:

10:19 a.m. ET: Two years ago at the Tour Championship, Mark Calcavecchia held court in the interview room at East Lake GC and unfurled this gem:

“Tiger is tired after two weeks. I’ve got him by 80 pounds and 17 years. How do you think I’m doing after eight out of nine? He could run from here to downtown. I couldn’t run out of a burning house.”

Well, right now it’s Calc who’s on fire. At 4-under for the tournament, he nearly holed out for eagle on the par-4 14th hole, as the ball curled precipitously past the hole. Should be a kick-in birdie from there, which will move the 1989 Open champ into a share of the lead at 5-under.

And Calc put in that birdie, tying him for the lead with Marino. Go Gator.

10:35: TNT returns from commercial with “Know Your Enemy.”

Because nothing represents the R&A like Green Day!

10:37: Calcavecchia is “high on Percocet,” according to the TNT booth. Okay.

10:50: It’s raining at Turnberry.

Though Tiger can’t make up any strokes (he’s all pars today), he’ll take some solace in a what the rough conditions are doing to the field: He’s gone from a tie for 68th to start the day to a tie for 39th.

10:55: From Sobel, who’s actually at Turnberry:

10:47 a.m. ET: Wind? Eh, that’s nice here at the British Open. Sideways rain? Much better.

All of a sudden, the wet stuff just started coming down in buckets at Turnberry.

Break out your umbrellas, folks. It’s starting to look like Bethpage out here.

In other Things Stay the Same news, Sergio just missed a putt.

11:02: With the cutline rumored to be around +3 or +4, a look at names that might not be seen this weekend: At +3, Chad Campbell, Padraig Harrington, and Stuart Appleby; at +4, Adam Scott, David Duval, Bubba Watson, Paul Casey, and Luke Donald; at +5, Colin Montgomerie, Mike Weir, who went 67-78, and Ben Curtis, who went 65-80; at +6, Anthony Kim; at +9, U.S. Open champ Lucas Glover; at +11, Hunter Mahan; at +14, Ian Poulter.

11:09: From Sobel:

10:58 p.m. ET: Maybe it was the live blog of the live blog that shifted the earth on its axis, but some things are totally upside-down here at Turnberry.

As mentioned, Camilo Villegas is enjoying a solid, steady tournament so far, while Tom Watson is all over the place.

Old TW finished the front nine in 3-over 38 and has just three pars in 10 holes so far. His scorecard so far: birdie-bogey-par-bogey-bogey-bogey-bogey-par-birdie-par.

Through it all, he’s 2-under for the tourney, in a share of ninth place. Still very much in the mix.

Explain the Tiger-Rocco duel and the final rounds of the Masters and U.S. Open this year, then!

Actually, yeah, things are screwy: Watson just birdied the 11th and moved to -3 for the Open Championship, and Tiger finally made a birdie, on the par 5 7th, moving him back to level par.

11:15: Ishikawa gets a shout in Japanese after a tee shot. In other news, “Get in the hole!” in Japanese may sound like “Psycho!”

Either that, or someone was yelling at Stevie Williams.

11:19 Sobel is diabolical:

11:05 p.m. ET: Tweet, tweet …

CSchultz216@JasonSobel: Will we be receiving an in-depth bap analysis today?

Despite many readers’ pleas for me to partake in some haggis for lunch, I went with a delicious hot carved salt beef baguette instead. (The bap is the same thing, just on a different type of roll.) Really good stuff. Basically, just brisket on a hero roll. Highly recommended.

As for the haggis, keep trying. Remember: It’s made from the lung, liver and heart of a sheep. Yum. That said, if enough of you talk me into it, I’ll give it a go.

And if you ask really nicely, maybe I’ll turn it into a video blog. Maybe.

Maybe not, too.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go heat up a Hot Pocket or something.

11:20: I ask the commenters: How long do you want this to go?

11:32: The TNT booth takes shots at Ishikawa’s equipment: Even his ball has his face on it.

Tirico: “‘Can you identify that ball?’ ‘Yes, it looks like me.’” Harsh.

11:35: From Sobel:

11:22 a.m. ET: After a birdie for Young TW on the par-5 seventh hole, he’s now in trouble on No. 8.

Woods just blasted out of the bunker and has a lengthy par attempt remaining to stay at even-par for the tournament.

Interestingly enough, Tiger owns the same stats I posted from Sergio Garcia through seven holes: 5 of 5 fairways, 5 of 7 greens in regulation and 11 total putts.

And he did bogey the hole. Back to the wrong side of even for Eldrick.

11:42: Moment of the morning so far: Sergio tees off and someone right behind him yells “VIVA ESPANA!” as loudly as possible.

This is the kind of thing you won’t get from Sobel, folks.

11:49: Bill Simmons for your dissection:

“The British Open: gloomy weather, dead crowds, early start times, weird golf courses & British people. Why is this fun again?”

“FYI: The “golf is a real sport” argument is getting brutally murdered by Mark Calvecchia & Tom Watson right now.”

Have at it, all three of you still commenting.

11:55: Speaking of, Tiger’s group is now on the back nine, so this seems like a good time to just switch into live blogging in the comments. I’ll be around for the duration, but joining you fine folks down below for discussion.

Thanks for following along. Maybe we’ll do this again this weekend.