Baseball is back! There were eight games last night and you’re getting all of them shoved down your throat like Rowdy Roddy Piper on Jimmy Snuka with bananas and coconuts.

Phils 4, Marlins 0: Jamie Moyer had a perfect game through four, but I knew it was over as soon as I saw this tweet. Ryan Howard slugged his 200th home run, achieving the total in fewer games (658) than any player in major league history. The record was previously held by Ralph Kiner.

Indians 4, Mariners 1: Cliff Lee pitched his second complete game of the season, scattering nine harmless hits (no, seriously, he allowed one hit in each inning) and walking none, winning for the first time since June 14. Grady Sizemore failed to hit a triple.

Cubs 6, Nats 2: Rich Harden went six innings, allowing just three hits, an unearned run and striking out seven. The Nats had two errors that led to three runs and Nyjer Morgan got picked off in the eighth with the tying run at the plate. Jim Riggleman, welcome to the fun! On the bright side, Harry Carey and Holy Cow showed up for the game. [pic via Mr. @jamiemottram]

Brewers 9, Reds 6: Holy manboobs, the home run derby has not prevented Prince Fielder from hitting home runs in the second half of the season! Braden Looper is somehow 8-4.

Astros 3, Dodgers 0: Manny was cheered in his first game at Chávez Ravine since serving a 50-game suspension. This is surprising? Why is this a story? More importantly, his hair will eventually become part of a controversial play. Here’s to hoping someone drags him down by his braids in a rundown.

Angels 6, A’s 2: Ervin Santana wasn’t a complete and utter train wreck for the first time in what feels like forever. He went eight innings and allowed one run on three hits. Matt Holliday homered for the first time in 987 at-bats.

Braves 5, Mets 3: Ollie Perez retired the first four Braves he faced, then gave up back-to-back homers to Yunel Escobar and Garret Anderson. Still, he finished with a decent line of 6 IP, 5 H, 3 ER and 6 K. Jeff Francoeur was 0-for-4 with an RBI in his return to Atlanta. What’s stranger is they gave him a standing ovation as if he had delivered two MVPs and a few memorable playoff moments.

Rockies 10, Padres 1: The top third of the Rockies lineup drove in seven runs. Yeah, that’s about it for this one.

As mentioned in the intro, a classic: