He’s called Disco Hayes because his pitches usually max out in the 70s. And chief among his goals this year is that his blog gets more hits than opposing batters.

The submarine-throwing Royals prospect has been blogging during his stint in the minors, racking up a respectable fanbase with every Fan Mail Friday and appearance by his “smoking hot wife” (a.k.a. Mrs. Disco). Highlights below.

On a host family’s 4-year-old needing help wiping:

“I sighed and reached behind him.  I was 100% in a foreign hotel room and walked smack into a wall.  As a complete novice, my hand had no idea where it was going or what it was doing and before I knew it, I realized it was under water.  “Poopy” water.  I had gone too deep, overshot the target I was unfamiliar with, and dunked my hand in kid-poop-water.  It was mostly cold.  I made eye contact with Connor.  He was smiling.  His feet were dangling off the edges of the toilet, his little bathing suit resting on the ground below.

I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, dry heave, or play poop-a-boo with my little potty buddy sitting there inches from my face.  He seemed to be enjoying this thoroughly.

By the time this charade was over, Connor probably had some remnants between his cheeks, but I can guarantee you I had more between my knuckles after dunking my hand on two (and a half) occasions…

On a Domincan teammate honoring Michael Jackson:

“As CNN went to commercial, my Spanish speaking teammate walked past me at my locker and I could hear him under his breath, singing phonetically, “Bead it, bead it, no wanants dube dupeetie.”  What a tribute!  A guy who doesn’t even speak the language in which you operate in is singing your song.  He’s not even from the country in which you became popular, he probably doesn’t even like pop.  Heck, I would need a blind penguin with only one wing to emulate my throwing motion while floating on an iceberg with no other penguins around to equal the fame Michael just demonstrated in our locker room.”

There’s also an insanely detailed (no, seriously) study of what type of donut is best for a reader’s fantasy draft.

If pressed to describe Disco’s blog, I’d say it’s a wonderful cross between Joe Posnanski’s blog and Bill Simmons’ best stuff. Mrs. Disco also contributes every now and then too.

His posts are as hilarious as they are long and you’d be hard pressed finding a more entertaining glimpse at the life of a minor leaguer. Doubt I’m alone in hoping the hapless Royals give him a call soon.