2009 NFL Preview: Cleveland Browns
2009 NFL Previews, NFL August 25th. 2009, 2:00pm
TBL golf correspondent Spencer Dieck, a Cleveland resident, offered his thoughts on the Cleveland Browns’ prospects this season.
Steaming pile of pony loaf.
Yep. That describes the 2008 Browns pretty well, don’t you think? A season that started with hope and promise was derailed by a series of QB injuries and the fact that our f*cking coach was too worried about fending off f*cking polar bears with his tusks to bother paying attention to the game.
Needless to say, the Browns fanbase is a little beaten down these days. Hell yea we’re still loyal, but we’re scared shitless. I mean, wouldn’t you be if the Lerner family slapped you with a proverbial rolled up newspaper every three years with a full scale rebuilding effort? So excuse me if we don’t paint the town brown and orange and roll out the red carpet for a brand new regime named ManKok.
Draft: The Browns gave the Jets the chance to draft their golden boy, and then kept on dropping down from there to stockpile as many mediocre picks as possible. Eventually settling for C Alex Mack, the Browns offensive line might actually have a chance of not being completely beat down by the hella physical defensive lines of the division rivals Steelers and Ravens. Got a couple of WR’s in the second round, some 3-4 hybrid rusher type things, James Davis from Clemson, a couple o’ DB’s and really, that’s the whole story. This was the draft equivalent to the missionary position.
Free Agency: Jets ahoy!!! All the guys Mangini brought with him from New York are serviceable at best, and are really only here until he gets the players he wants in free agency or the draft moving forward. Really though, what’s the point? Great, these guys will help the Browns only lose by 14 instead of their customary 21. Hooray mediocrity!!!
Braylon Edwards: What can CGI do for you?
I call bullshit. Braylon, do us all a favor and kindly pull your head out of your ass. Please?
Cripple Fight!!!: The big storyline coming out of Browns camp is who’s going to win the QB battle between fabulous! Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson. Here’s the stuff you need to know…Brady Quinn is a quasi-effective intermediate passer who throws like a girl while DA is pure crap. You know what the worst cliché in sports is…that competition brings out the best in you. Know how I know that’s total bullshit? Because Brady Quinn still can’t beat out ‘pure crap.’
I’m not shitting you, your opening day Browns QB might be Brett Ratliff.
Offense: It all depends on who wins the QB battle. If it’s Quinn, like everyone expects, then the offense will be efficient albeit boring. There won’t be many mistakes as far as turnovers go, but it’s not like they’re going to be putting up pinball numbers.
If it’s DA’s go though, the Browns might actually be exciting to watch 4-8 times next year. He’s got a cannon and loves to throw it deep, where Braylon can actually catch the ball, and you might actually get some exciting football. But there WILL be complete implosions, no doubt about it…big ones, which are equally exciting. Win-win, right?
Believe it or not, the Browns have a pretty solid offensive line. Deep, big and semi-talented, the OL might actually be good enough to keep whomever is playing QB upright. Successfully running is another story, however, as Jamal Lewis needs to be sent to the glue factory, but there are a couple of intriguing backs in the shape of Jerome Harrison (Leon Washington Lite) and rookie James Davis, who’s been turning heads all summer.
Defense: Outside of Shaun Rogers and D’Qwell Jackson and, every third start, Eric Wright, the Browns are quite weak on defense. Enter Mangini and his slew of guys with marginal talent, er, I mean, familiarity with his system.
Compared to Country Club Crennel, Mangini’s camp has been physical with a ton of hitting. If anything, this team should look like they’re TRYING out there, which is more than you can say about the units led under that walrus looking f*ck who should send Bill Belichick a thank you card every week. The DL is nothing special outside of Rogers, the LB’s aren’t anything special outside of D’Qwell, and the secondary, recently beefed up with some free agents and rookies, well, they’re not anything special either.
But for some stupid reason, I think they might actually be a little bit better. Why? Because if you watched any Browns game, you saw the same bullshit every single play. You saw LB’s a good 10 yards off the ball. You saw zone coverages where opposing WR’s were CONSTANTLY open. You saw almost nothing in the way of pass rush.
If you’re going to say anything about Mangini, it’s this…he can sure get a team to look mediocre. At least now the Browns will at least appear like they’re competent. And yes, these are positive things.
Prediction: Despite my previous disdain for all things Cleveland Browns, I’m still a bojack homer and see things through brown and orange tinted glasses. It’s actually been semi-refreshing to get a coach like Mangini in there who’s running hard practices and making sure there’s no bullshit coming out of camp, but at the same time, we all know this is the totally underwhelming coach who quickly wore out his welcome with the Jets, and seems to be a power-hungry dictator in the Belichick/Saban mold. That’s all fine and dandy if you’re winning and contending in the playoffs, not when you’re the Steelers and Ravens bimonthly f*ckdoll.
I’m not delusional and saying playoffs or anything, or even going as far as to say they’ll even contend with the Steelers, but this is a team with unrealized talent and a cakewalk for a schedule. Looking at the schedule, it’s not unrealistic to think the Browns can win 6 games, surprisingly contend in a couple others and head into 2010 with a bunch of cap room and all their draft picks in tow. While I’d love to sit here and say this is a 7-9 or .500 team, no doubt about it, I can’t. The Browns are going 6-10 this year, and that’s about as close to a guarantee as it gets.
NFC East: 2009 Dallas Cowboys Preview | 2009 Philadelphia Eagles Preview | 2009 New York Giants Preview | 2009 Washington Redskins Preview
NFC North: 2009 Chicago Bears Preview | 2009 Detroit Lions Preview | 2009 Minnesota Vikings Preview | 2009 Green Bay Packers Preview
NFL South: 2009 Tampa Bay Bucs Preview | 2009 Atlanta Falcons Preview | 2009 New Orleans Saints Preview | 2009 Carolina Panthers Preview
NFL West: 2009 San Francisco 49ers Preview | 2009 St. Louis Rams Preview | 2009 Arizona Cardinals Preview | 2009 Seattle Seahawks Preview
AFC East: 2009 New England Patriots Preview | 2009 New York Jets Preview | 2009 Buffalo Bills Preview | 2009 Miami Dolphins Preview
AFC North: 2009 Pittsburgh Steelers Preview | Cleveland Browns
92 Responses to “2009 NFL Preview: Cleveland Browns”
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August 25th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
boy, those girl’s lips are pursed pretty close together in that picture. Hope she’s not giving the camera a simulation of her technique on good ole Brady
/shrinkage’d
//4-12
August 25th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I dont see them winning a game until they play Detroit.
3-13
August 25th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Your team sucks, and you are an assclown.
P.S. I’m starting a “ban paolo” fund. Any interest? So far, we’ve got $25.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Well, at least we agree on this.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I’ll throw in $50.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
yea…i mean, we don’t get the automatic win from playing buffalo this year so…
August 25th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
so…Mangini is a walrus?
August 25th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
If I had a million dollars…
August 25th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I’m starting a “ban paolo” fund. Any interest? So far, we’ve got $25.
I’ll throw in $50.
I’ll throw in $100 to keep him
/free Paolo
he’s a little out of control today, but he’s funny other times, especially when there are too many new guys who take this site way too fucking seriously
August 25th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
That dude drives me insane. I swear you could have a post about kittens and he would write a four paragraph diatribe on the evils of the South, the East Coast and ninnie bojacks (whatever the hell those are).
August 25th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Spence nice job, at least you have Ohio State to fall back on. As long as one of my teams: HS, College or NFL are good I usually consider it a successful year.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
I agree Spence, 6 or 7 wins tops.
Regardless, I’m just happy Romeo is no longer bumbling through press conferences trying to explain why he called a timeout to decide if he should challenge the play or flipping coins to decide his QB.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
but he’s funny other times
this has never once been true.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Oh no doubt he has his moments, but those are easily overshadowed by the diatribes GotG is talking about. Not to mention the random mime harem dungeon type references.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Needs more f*cking.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Don’t forget about those elitist New Yorkers who work on Wall Street.
As for the preview — I actually think Quinn is going to be pretty good. Pro Bowl caliber good. Maybe not this season, but soon.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
if ever a post needed “/fin” after a sentence, it’s this one.
/wonder how many browns fan wish we were still playing in old municipal stadium? the obstructed view seat would be the priciest.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I can’t think of a team that will have less players drafted in fantasy fb
6-10
whoopie fuckin do
August 25th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
How much can I trade my 2.5 internet points for?
August 25th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Chiefs, Dolphins.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
There’s only so many times I can hear about ninnie bojacks and high hard ones. I’ll put in my 100 internet dollars for a bannin’.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Needs more f*cking.
My life story.
If we get this done, I’ll be willing to allow you to trade in your Paolo points for various things, like erotic massages (in cowboy hat) from Jersey Yo, and similar items.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
so the trick to getting braylon “you hate me only because i’m from michigan” edwards to catch the damn ball is to blindfold him? works for me.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
i hope so…he’s having an awfully hard time beating out DA.
personally…i hope they go with horse balls.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
It is all about the Mission.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Paolo is an ass sometimes but I’m not for bannin’ people here, except SuperAndy.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Phil Dawson is mawney
August 25th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
What are the ratio of Paolo Points to Schrute Bucks and Stanley Nickels?
August 25th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Jamal Lewis needs to be cut and James Davis needs to be their starting running back. Had a down year in Clemson due to OL issues and the Bowden firing, but this kid is SOLID. 6-10 is a little generous Spence in saying 4-12, 5-11….maybe. Nothing like a franchise consistenly living up to the their name like the Browns.
/Another shitty year as a Browns fan
//Fuck
August 25th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I’m not sure but I heard that the exchange rate for Poalo Points to Cleveland Steamers is 1:1.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
There’s no reason not to have Quinn start. It’s time the kid got a shot at the NFL for a full season. Let him show you what he can do so they can make a decision. Anderson probably should have been used as bait after the 2007 season.
Despite being an ND Alum, I think the kid has the talent. Needs to stop posing for questionable photos though.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
you notice how comfortable braylon was with dropping those passes one after another? you can’t teach that.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I have a friend who is doing fantasy for the first time this yr and he drafted Dawson, mawniest kicker out there I guess
August 25th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
here’s my thinking…mangini will have his guys playing hard until the very end, so they’ll beat a couple teams that have just given up with lame duck coaches or something, thereby ruining our draft slot.
it’s totally logical if you’re a browns fan…
August 25th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Hey Spencer, what do you think of this?
/considering adding Davis to my fantasy roster
August 25th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
MANGENIUS IS RUNNING THE TEAM, SPENCE!!!!
/Jets fan
August 25th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
that’s all fine and dandy, but the same applies to DA.
DA at least has shown he’s capable of being incredibly effective. he’s just as much of a prospect as quinn is at this point, only with arguably more upside due to his cannon arm. i dunno man…the more i think about it the more i like DA.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
mike…through the first two preseason games, even if you had never watched an NFL game before, you’d IMMEDIATELY realize that davis was the better back.
i think jamal will get more early season carries and they’ll transition to davis as the season wears on. davis is impressive, but i have a feeling mangini will stick with the vet for a little bit.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
who cares about his “cannon arm” if he plays like an idiot and blows big games against shitty teams in the last game of the season that cost the browns a playoff spot (cincy game ring a bell?)
fuck DA…start quinn and see what happens, either A)proves to be good and the QB position is set or B) he sucks and we are fucked at QB because DA sucks too and we have to start over anyways
DA aint leading this team to anything, and Quinn, well we dont know anything yet
August 25th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Who’s the dude that looks like he just fumbled away the franchise’s last shot at going to a Super Bowl?
August 25th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Great writeup, really captures the wishful yet frustrated angst of brownie fans. Looking forward to another 2 easy wins, thanks guys.
Jamal Lewis needs to be sent to the glue factory.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Bernie Kosar isn’t walking through that door.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
mmonast…i hear that, but DA STILL has more upside. he can do things with the ball that quinn can’t. he has a quicker release. he’s a WAY better downfield passer.
the more i see quinn the more i keep waiting for him to, you know, THROW THE FUCKING BALL DOWNFIELD. i hate dink and dunk offenses and that’s all BQ has broguth to the table. hopefully he does a little better this week.
believe me, i’d LOVE for quinn to win the job hands down, but the longer it takes him to do it, the more i think DA is winning this thing.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
who’s one of the few teams that’s going to be worse than the browns?
oh yea, the broncos. bitch.
August 25th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
As for the preview — I actually think Quinn is going to be pretty good. Pro Bowl caliber good. Maybe not this season, but soon.
Laughable, Quinn is absolute dog shit and should be a career back up. The guy is Baaaaaad
August 25th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
and then we all lose…aside from arm strenght, i dont see any skill catagory that DA > BQ (and im not a huge quinn fan, just want a decent QB for the browns)
but i agree 100% the fact that brady cant beat out DA in camp makes me think he is going to really really suck…i cant wait to have a discussion next yr before the draft, Sam Bradford or Colt McCoy?
August 25th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
oh god…neither.
/wait another year and get terrelle pryor
August 25th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I see Brady Quinn play and all I can think is Brad Johnson. And, no offense, but this Browns defense ain’t the 2002 Bucs defense. Anything over five wins has to be considered a success.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
you’re right, he is most likely stumbling through that door, with 1 or 2 30something yr old whores with bleached blond hair and their roots showing
/bernie is always drunk, probably with 30 something yr old whores
August 25th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I’m aware of this. But I can just turn on ESPN Classic at any given time and be swept away to a better time.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
And you’ve gleaned this from what, 3 career starts?
You should be an NFL scout, apparently.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
When comparing two shitty qb’s take the one who will make the least amount of mistaks. DA is a turnover machine. That shit worked okay in college, but will never fly in the NFL.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
ya i agree with you, TEBOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 25th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
wait another year and get terrelle pryor
Homer comment of the year. Tell me you weren’t saying the same thing about True Smith
/Won $50 off dumbass buddy who said he would be a 1st round pick
//not kidding
August 25th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
the way i see it is that the current state of the broncos is karma. where’s mcdaniels from? cleveland.
awwwwww yea.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Wait a sec… I think I just… Yeah, I just had an idea. The super secret Cleveland Illuminati have the Browns intentionally tank next season, ala the Cavs in 2002, so as to draft Pryor and make us forget there was ever anyone named LeBron.
/science’d?
August 25th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
fuck yea i was saying the same thing about troy smith.
and im kidding about pryor. then again, i can’t really think of a college QB i’d want. not a single one, including pryor.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
You should be an NFL scout, apparently
Go to Berea and watch a training camp, he’s fuckin awful and has to tip off the defense to the plays Anderson is running during camp. He’s a bitch.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Probably more sabotage than karma.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
i wouldn’t wish that on paolo, let alone mike.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Tebow this year, Pryor next year, then its all wildcat, jump passes, and duck hunting.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
im with mike, we have no idea what quinn can do because the browns never gave quinn a fair shot
August 25th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Bernie looks like Lebatard in that picture.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Will he start a competitive sausage company or take his shirt off in the club first? Who knows!?
Maybe he’ll drop trow and start a sandwich shop just to throw a curveball!
/He’s not suicidal yet, is he?
August 25th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
As a Steelers fan, you have not truly lived until you drive to Cleveland, watch them blow a game against the Steelers that they could have won (they do actually play them pretty tough at home), then listen to the call in show on the home broadcast. There is such a level of suffering, you can feel it through your radio. I mean real pain, where grown men are on the verge of tears and the level of desperation in their voices is the result of almost 50 years of watching bad teams suck and good teams blow it. And for a brief moment, you do actually feel sorry for them. They are trapped in a sports hell that will never end and that they can’t get out of.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
after hearing lebron’s sunday convo on sportscenter this week, im inclined to agree.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
This whole thing is racist.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Good preview, although I’m depressed now after reading it and the Browns aren’t even my team.
Quinn jokes aside, I actually think he’s going to be better than everyone thinks. His pedigree is far better than DA’s and I think his decision making will bear that out once he gets more playing time. And Edwards stops dropping the football.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
the level of desperation in their voices is the result of almost 50 years of watching bad teams suck and good teams blow it
Worded perfectly
August 25th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
45yearslump, you’ve simply got to try the Browns after show on TV featuring SBTB TCY alum and no longer roided up and now shrunken Bob Golic, priceless. You do almost feel bad for them, if LeBron really does leave…
August 25th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
this would make a great vanity plate for my car.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
One of my friends from school is an assistant coach with the Browns now, he said that Alex Mack was the best C in the draft…
just sayin
August 25th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
45yearslump, you’ve simply got to try the Browns after show on TV featuring SBTB TCY alum and no longer roided up and now shrunken Bob Golic, priceless. You do almost feel bad for them, if LeBron really does leave…
Thanks for the TIVO tip….
If Lebron leaves, and I actually hope he doesn’t, there really will be nothing left in the souls of every Cleveland fan. Being a Cleveland fan must make being a Cub fan seem like going to Disney World. Every team, in every sport, has blown golden chances at championships.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
/Steelers fans are pretty much scum of the Earth
August 25th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Not even Tate Forcier?
August 25th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Well thats just not true clown, I’ve been to Cinci for a Steeler game and everyone was very friendly, I didn’t see any problems whatsoever, and I was pleasantly surprised by how nice downtown Cinci was (although the people were like a cross between fat-ass Ohesians and toothless KY’ians).
The same cannot be said of the ClevCity.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
awesome
August 25th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I know the Bengals fans were friendly – Steelers fan, not so much.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
lloyd!
August 25th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
browns are the only team where 6-10 can be seen as a homer prediction
August 25th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
As the esteemed Mr. Frederick J. Metallica once so eloquently stated, this is sad, but true.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
This team is two years removed from ten wins (weak schedule… well it’s weak this year too) and that was with a dumb walrus as a coach. Anything can happen in the NFL…
/for the guys saying 4 wins tops
August 25th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
can you imagine how insufferable browns fans would be if we had a winner?
August 25th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
can you imagine how insufferable browns fans would be if we had a winner?
Yeah I just remember last season in the NBA and multiply it by 10
August 25th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
+1, duder
August 25th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
just 10?
this is a fanbase that has people who eat dog food from a can at games. who throw dog biscuits at opposing players. who nearly killed some refs with bottles.
if the browns ever win a super bowl, i swear to god, the city will be destroyed. and there isn’t a hint of sarcasm in that statement.
August 25th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
if the browns ever win a super bowl, i swear to god, the city will be destroyed. and there isn’t a hint of sarcasm in that statement.
I’ve heard this from almost every browns fan I know, usually paraphrased as “If the Browns win a championship we will burn that city to the ground”
August 25th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
you realize how you just left the poor city out to dry with this statement. way too many easy jokes can be made. thank god the site is slower than a jamal lewis 40 yard dash. cue rimshot!!
August 25th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
i seriously wonder if he could break 5 seconds at this point.
August 25th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Troy Smith could start and do well for alot of teams in this league. His situation is similar to the beginning of Jeff Blake’s NFL career.
August 25th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
smith looked like shit last night though. although his good passes were dropped by some horrible “receivers”
August 25th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
I’m going to have to work this into every conversation I have.