2009 NFL Preview: Cincinnati Bengals
2009 NFL Previews, Video August 27th. 2009, 2:00pm
Let’s open here with three names for the 1990s that we love laughing at: David Klinger (went 6th overall in the horrendously bad 1992 draft), Akili Smith (went 3rd overall in the 1999 draft), and Bruce Coslet (among Norman Chad’s golden rules in football: “Never sign Bruce Coslet to a multiyear contract”).
And now, the real good news: The last two teams to be featured on Hard Knocks (Chiefs, Cowboys) both missed the playoffs. We don’t care what Boomer Esiason or Carson Palmer say, this team is junk and there’s no playoffs in its immediate future. But to humor you, we’ll do a little pro-con with the Bengals:
Pro: Easy schedule. In their final seven games, only two are against teams that will be playoff-bound (Minnesota and San Diego).
Con: Here’s their RB depth chart – Cedric Benson, Brian Leonard, and an undrafted fellow named DeDe Dorsey.
Pro: Carson Palmer’s finally healthy and none of his three primary receivers are in jail!
Con: Their 1st round pick, Andre Smith, remains unsigned. But it was smart to draft a beefy guy!
Pro: Dhani Jones had a pretty cool show on the Travel channel. He’s good people.
Con: Chad Ochocinco’s insufferable ego. You thought Terrell Owens made it hard on Romo in Dallas last year? Ha.
Pro: Carson Palmer’s wife, anyone?
Con: Remember Tim Krumrie’s injury? That was gnarly.
Pro: When we think of sports writers going after coaches, it doesn’t get much better than Norman Chad relentlessly going after Sam Wyche. “I was never fond of the cut of Sam Wyche’s jib. His coaching record was pedestrian, at best.”
Outlook: Best case scenario – the Bengals open up the offense with a healthy Palmer in shotgun throwing 40 times a game, and are a down-but-not-out 3-6 heading into the final seven games of the season. That’s when the Bengals peel off five wins in seven games to get to .500, which won’t be enough to contend for a playoff spot, but would be their best record since 2006.
And what Cincinnati Bengals preview would be complete without an Ickey Woods shuffle preview. Love how he matter-of-factly says, “… my best friend got shot 19 times and had his throat cut” during a Super Bowl preview.
NFC East: 2009 Dallas Cowboys Preview | 2009 Philadelphia Eagles Preview | 2009 New York Giants Preview | 2009 Washington Redskins Preview
NFC North: 2009 Chicago Bears Preview | 2009 Detroit Lions Preview | 2009 Minnesota Vikings Preview | 2009 Green Bay Packers Preview
NFL South: 2009 Tampa Bay Bucs Preview | 2009 Atlanta Falcons Preview | 2009 New Orleans Saints Preview | 2009 Carolina Panthers Preview
NFL West: 2009 San Francisco 49ers Preview | 2009 St. Louis Rams Preview | 2009 Arizona Cardinals Preview | 2009 Seattle Seahawks Preview
AFC East: 2009 New England Patriots Preview | 2009 New York Jets Preview | 2009 Buffalo Bills Preview | 2009 Miami Dolphins Preview
AFC North: 2009 Pittsburgh Steelers Preview | 2009 Baltimore Ravens Preview | 2009 Cleveland Browns Preview | 2009 Cincinnati Bengals Preview
45 Responses to “2009 NFL Preview: Cincinnati Bengals”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
chil’ pleaz
August 27th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
This is from the baseball thread earlier and I stepped out. What is a Chipwich and where do I buy one?
Also, a standing ovation is in order for Sparty.
TBL nailed this one. This con outweighs any pro on this entire team.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Quite possibly the only entertaining part of Hard Knocks thus far.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
.500 seems about right for this team.
Dhani Jones might be great on that show and I hear he’s a good dancer, but I’m sorry….if he’s one of your starting LBs, you got problems on defense.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Except for that ankle injury that has kept him out of practice for the last 2 weeks.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
What is a Chipwich and where do I buy one?
August 27th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
I disagree about OchoCinco. His ego doesnt affect a whole team like TO. I can be tolerated. You guys might enjoy this. You better.
http://majorleaguejerk.com/2009/08/27/tv-shows-with-tampa-bo-hbos-hard-knocks/
August 27th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
i love ochocinco.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
So did anyone see Whitlock nail Pitino. Pitino should be ashamed of himself. Do you think he was waiting for Ted Kennedy to die?
http://msn.foxsports.com/cbk/story/9992548/Pitino%27s-latest-ploy-shows-what-a-playa-he-is
August 27th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
i love chipwiches.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
A chipwich is an ice cream sandwich using chocolate chip cookies as the “bread.” They are incredible.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
TBL, I hate you.
also, Bernard Scott is the #2 running back. Dede Dorsey will be cut soon. Though he would be a solid 3rd down back if he could ever stay healthy.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
How did I not know that sponge. Thanks.
I’m going to the grocery store right now.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Wow, the Chipwich site has successfully made me crave one.
http://www.chipwich.com/
August 27th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
holy shit, its deedee
August 27th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
how are the bengals going to be good if they suck on both lines?
easy…they’re not.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Fuck Chipwiches you gotta go to the ESPN Zone they got a big ass cookie in a skillet that is right out of the oven they put Ice Cream and Chocolate syrup on that bitch. Its Mouth Rape.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
not quite a sausage explosion in your mouth, but close
August 27th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
LOL! You dont eat it. You Live it. Followed by a picture of CRM 50 years from now.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
I’m applying for the scholarship on the wrapper of the one I’m about to purchase.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I give my girl a sausage explosion every night.
/Wheres clown?
//Looking for someone to high five.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Its Mouth Rape.
sounds de-lish! You in sales, Tampa? You really know how to create excitement and build a brand image-lol
August 27th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Why yes I am. You need a phone system?
August 27th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
The best part of Hard Knocks last night was the rookies making fun of A. Smith.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
You in sales, Tampa?
Why yes I am. You need a phone system?
Sorry. no thanks, I’m set
August 27th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Didn’t this team franchise tag their kicker? Now Ocho is kicking in preseason?
Getting back to Chipwhiches… This might be the greatest grab-n-go stop ever. Chipwich, Crunchwrap Supreme, Chalupa, Soft taco, Wild Cherry Pepsi and Cinnamon twists. You decide.
/haven’t gorged on fast food in over a month
August 27th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
i liked the line…
“im designing condoms…anything your johnson shoots, it’ll catch.”
August 27th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
jpq that phones looks just like this guy
August 27th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Did you see the ass on that Bengals Cheerleader!? She can have all my money.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Whoa 2 years for raping a 15 year old. Plaxico is pissed.
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/9992332/Ex-Patriot-Villa-gets-2-years-for-raping-15-year-old
August 27th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Rick Pitino wonders if the penalty decreases with age.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
You guys got me laugh my fucking ass off here at work. These comments are like an orgasm that keeps on going.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
4-12.
Chipwiches are fantastic, and underrated.
And Carson Palmer > Eli Manning > Big Ben
Agreed. The new beneficiary of my life insurance policy.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
a team this good at being bad is gonna fail to live up to the Hard knocks curse and make the playoffs. seriously this team could fuck up a ballbearing with a cotton ball.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
i could set my drink on that ass
August 27th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
i want to eat a quiche off of her butt.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Kimo Von Oelhoffen
/for NickP
August 27th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
“When his six-minute rant concluded, tears trickled down my cheeks, I rose from my seat and found myself clapping my hands and mouthing the words, “Play on, playa. Play on” and wanting to listen to Johnnie Taylor’s classic “Cheaper To Keep Her.”"
LMAO
August 27th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
I want to make a chipwhich out of her but. My dick is the Ice Cream.
/Wheres Clown?
//Looking for someone to High Five
August 27th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
/high 5’s Tampa
//not clown’d
August 27th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
That cracked me up. Ocho Cinco may be a headache, but that dude is a stud between the lines. If I was a coach, I’d want him on my team. You now, if I couldn’t have 7 or 8 other wide receivers first.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Chad screaming “Bill! Bill!” at Belichick cracked me up. As did, “One, double 85.”
Assholes and elbows, boys!
August 27th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
The Bengals will go at least 10-6 this year. They have about thrice the talent of the 2005 team that won the division. The offense will be better and the defense will be top 8. Mike Zimmer is a damn genius. Ochocinco looks better this preseason than he ever has. Chris Henry is on fire right now. The LBs will seriously fuck people up.
And TJ Houshmanfucker was a bigger problem in the locker room than Ochocinco. John Thornton is an honest as it gets, and he pretty much said as much in a radio interview a few weeks ago. I’m so happy to have Coles in that spot. All the production of TJ without the shit.
No one doesn’t like Chad. No one doesn’t think he’s a great teammate. He just runs his mouth a lot. He’s nothing like TO. He had one offseason where he let Rosenhaus call his shots. Last year he worked his ass off only to end up with a QB afraid to stand in the pocket for more than a three step drop. Chad might be the hardest worker on the team.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I’m guessing you gents are referring to Hard Knocks? If so–let me know which episode–I must see this. Hell even better if someone just posts a screenshot of her donk–I can avoid wasting my time searching for it. (which I inevitably will do)
August 27th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
rooch its the picture on the right right next to the outlook.