Fridays with Artie Lange
Artie Lange's Football Picks, NFL September 11th. 2009, 1:00pm
Artie Lange is one of our favorite comedians. He’s hilarious on the Howard Stern show, and even if you don’t have Sirius, then you’re probably familiar with his work on Letterman, Conan, Beer League, or, perhaps most famously, the Joe Buck Show. We spoke to him a few weeks ago about an idea that would blend two of his great passions: Sports and picking games. So each Friday this season, he’ll pick three NFL locks.
For week 1, Lange’s got:
Giants -6.5 at home against the Redskins. Unless one of them shoots themselves at a club.
Saints -13 at home against the Lions. I can’t name one guy on the team.
Ravens -13 at home against the Chiefs. Total guess. GOOD LUCK!
To our west coast readers, or anyone who wants to make a trip to Cali: Artie will be at the Gibson Amphitheatre in Universal City on Sept. 19.
We’ll end this post with a line Norman Chad always applied to his picks column: These picks are for recreational purposes only and should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager.
123 Responses to “Fridays with Artie Lange”
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September 11th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Dirty Work was funny.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Giants are hardly a lock with that spread. Total homer bet
September 11th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Double digit spreads never seem to cover in the NFL. That being said, I’m sure they’ll be locks now.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Dirty Work was funny
“I’ve never seen so many dead hookers”
“God knows I have”.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I like it. Glad I brought my notes in front of the computer and got to see this.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
@ms621: Someone on Deadspin mentioned “THE SAIGON WHORE WHO BIT MY NOSE OFF!!!” on a Shawne Merriman/Tila Tequila post. I thought it was pretty great.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I lost the bet. I was going with “hat post.”
September 11th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I only trust the leans at suckingcock.com
September 11th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
remember when I begged you not to ban me? I rescind the begging.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Who are you going to have do this guest post after Nov. 17, 2009? That’s why I have Artie in the death pool.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
So when’s the celebrity post?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Artie I enjoyed you on the Carolla Podcast
September 11th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I suspect Andrew “Dice” Clay is available.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
So is Jackie Martin on the same Lost style island as Craig Kilborn?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I’m surprised no one used that here. That’s awesome
September 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
@Taguchi – I’m sure Jerry O’Connell will be along shortly.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Double digit spreads never seem to cover in the NFL. That being said, I’m sure they’ll be locks now.
Except for the 2007 Pats, they would cover 18 point spreads routinely. Fuckers
September 11th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Im surprised TBL isnt all over this.
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ms-thegameface091009&prov=yhoo&type=lgns
September 11th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
what a freaking coup!!!
nice work TBL!
September 11th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
So is Jackie Martin
Jackie Martling. He’s appearing in his mom’s kitchen this weekend, looking for some lunch.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Is Jackie Martin the gay guy boss on Roseanne?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Can you imagine how excited TBL was when Artie wrote back? I would pay to have seen the look on his face. Also: Haha! You didn’t count on my loyal army of prostitutes, did you?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I am literally wretching.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Im surprised TBL isnt all over this.
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ms-thegameface091009&prov=yhoo&type=lgns
The Yiddish Yapper is a Putz
/Catskillz’d
September 11th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Is Jackie Martin the gay guy boss on Roseanne?
you had me confused. You mean Martin Mull.
Jackie Martin isn’t somebody, I don’t think.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Would Ben Roethlisberger have been “clutch” if he didn’t blow for 3.9 quarters first? Why is this so difficult to understand? Fucking Bironas.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
what did they expect him to say? get me my tv remote? i hate everything about that article. get me my hat is the ‘let’s roll’ of the ’10s
September 11th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
“Great thing about Big Ben, is that on Sunday, he can play.”
/ Sports Talk Radio’d
September 11th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!!!
September 11th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Friday’s with Artie Lange > Tuesday’s with Morrie
September 11th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner
September 11th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Here here, I nominate razeup for rookie of the day.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Big Ben is a fucking General out there. He gets it done, he just grinds it out, Finishes everything he starts, hes a
Rapistpure Closer.September 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Welcome Artie! Did you know Opie and Anthony are waaaayyyy funnier than you, and that Jim Norton will even tell Myley Cyrus perv jokes? To her face? BWWWAAAHHHH!!!!
/cursedcleveland’d
September 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
only after the hazing.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Big Ben was just lying in wait, lulling the Titans D into a false sense of security, and then BAM, fixed television. It’s his MO.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Kobe?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Thanks, JPQ.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Haha, I wish I was a rookie… signed up over a year ago, about 2 days before my work cut out “message voards and forums” from acceptable websites… but now I have a proxy that works.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Someone had to become the next John Elway
September 11th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Greg Oden?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Haha, I wish I was a rookie… signed up over a year ago, about 2 days before my work cut out “message voards and forums” from acceptable websites… but now I have a proxy that works.
nice try, but the plunger always comes a callin’
September 11th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Who won the ball game? If Ben doesnt go out there and have 2 clutch drives. Then they lose and he sucks. He has 2 rings because he is clutch. When he loses a game for the Steelers get back to me.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I wish people could get “hear hear” right
September 11th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
That overtime sucked last night
September 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Here Here!
September 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Ask Drew Brees how all those 1st quarter yards works out. I dont give two shits what you do for 3 quarters, games are won in the 4th, and no one playing right now even comes close to Ben at finishing games, no one.
You know he actually won it TWICE last night, right?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
/sportsgal’d?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Fetch you have a complex. Go to therapy.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
hearye hearye!
September 11th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
yea, nobody’s better playing against a soft, prevent defense with no pressure like big ben.
nobody milks their own tits quite like ben either, a nugget passed along to be by al michaels’ strange hairpiece from last night.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
I am on the other side of that redskin’s bet, might take them straight up as well.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
eaux’re gay.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I wish people could get “hear hear” right
that is the Fetch i know
September 11th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I go both ways with it, I can never remember.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Coop, you’re part right. Drew Brees throws for a ton of yards because he gets off to a slow start, his defense sucks, they’re behind 17-3, and they’re playing catch-up all day.
But he is also like 1-16 when trailing after 3 quarters in New Orleans, so he’s not clutch either.
I like comparing Elway to Roethlisberger. They suck early, their defense keeps them in the game, and then he gets all the credit when they come back.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Bull fucking shit. He came back from 3 points down. When he has to comeback from a real lead let me know. Also why the hell did Jeff Fisher go prevent? Not watch the superbowl last year Jeff?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I wish people could get “hear hear” rightYour absolutely correct.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
speaking of clutch has anyone seen someone double clutch the football like big ben? every play . hell even running plays
September 11th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
eaux’re gay.
gauax colour my worlde
September 11th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Yes, it’s Drew Brees fault his defense sucks. If Ben didn’t have a defense to watch him suck for 3 plus quarters this would be moot.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
I’ve seen that wrong like 85,000 times in the past two days.
And Irish, I’m taking that as a compliment
September 11th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Nice.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
When the defense doesn’t win the game for the Steelers get back to me.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
IF! IF!
September 11th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I’ve seen that wrong like 85,000 times in the past two days. Fetch
Shouldn’t you be breaking down the previews for college hockey?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Their out of there minds.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
ma ma mah my baron…whoop.
/NFL Countdown preview
/Die Berman
September 11th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Your absolutely correct.
Nice.
Their out of there minds.
Wear did there minds go?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Im back. Last night 2 Clutch Drives won the game for the Steelers.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
they’res a funny joke write there
September 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
This is the big surprise post?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Bo is just playing a character, right?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
September 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
A lot of the games the Saints lost in the 4th quarter were definitely his fault. And he’s my favorite quarterback on my favorite team.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I didn’t think it would have been humanly possible for an Artie Lange post to morph into “Is Big Ben Clutch or Does He Suck Donkey Penis”, episode #329,439,616
/tips cagey scenster hat
September 11th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
there should be a hat post at least once a week. i think TBL is purposefully holding out on hat posts.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
All chalk? weaksauce… More comedy, less picks.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
You guys are right Ben just has 2 Super Bowl Rings because hes garbage and he just gets lucky.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
I hate the f’n Steelers…
But, 33-43 for 363 does not constitute suck in any way, shape, or form (no matter how soft the person putting up those stats looks).
There are games when he might suck, but it wasn’t the Steeler QB who sucked last night.
Ask Smiley how it felt to almost piss a game away by coughing the ball up on the 5 yard line.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
And Irish, I’m taking that as a compliment
hardly dissing you Fetch
September 11th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Um…I love me some Artie but what exactly is this bringing to the table?
/wondering what the point is
September 11th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I don’t know about this “general” comment, or “true leader”. Fact of the matter is, the dude holds on to the ball way too much and takes too many sacks.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Are you LaGarrette Blount? At least we know what you’re doing with your free time…
September 11th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
like his first Super Bowl “win”?
September 11th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
artie lange is so passionate about sports that he has no idea who paul pierce is and that he had to have a ground rule double explained to him. fuck artie lange. fuck artie lange in his fraudulent unfunny ass.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
FTFY’d
September 11th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
there should be a hat post at least once a week. i think TBL is purposefully holding out on hat posts.
reaaazy: I predict Tuesday AM round-up. An epic shot of Brady at his post MNF presser rockin’ a hot new lid, distressed bomber jacket, and not quite matching scarf, all with that smug douchebag smile that I want to transform into Heath Ledger’s in TDK.
/former Brady fan
September 11th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
September 11th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
I wish a Browns’ QB had the chance to suck in the Super Bowl and win the game…
John Elway sucked donkey balls for games at a time until it mattered. Then he magically turned into Joe Montana with horse teeth. It was ridiculous and tiresome. But, you could also count on him when it mattered.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Wow thanks hugh, I am glad you told me that before I put my house as collateral on those football lines. You totally saved me some money.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
rra ra ra ra rob baronis
September 11th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
IT’S A TEAM SPORT!!!KLKL:OSDJ!!! BA+_WHEJWHJK OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!!!!! BLARG…??!!!
September 11th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
He can win all day Tampa, but I am just saying he holds on to the ball too much, just like AP fumbles too much.
September 11th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Elway’s a hack. Terrel Davis told me so in a voicemail on Madden ‘07.
September 11th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
September 11th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
So thats what playing Madden High off ’shrooms is like.
September 11th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
So he’s like J-Mac – just without the sweet, sweet gunz?
September 11th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Has anyone ever seen Artie’s standup? Is it any good?
September 11th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
@ruckmaker,
Funny as hell. Dude tells great stories IMO
September 11th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
“PatrickPatterson”
This Pat Patterson?
September 11th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
agreed
September 11th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
is artie going to come on here and yell at people commenting on his picks?
September 11th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
@wilhelmreems,
Artie didn’t know what “right click with the mouse” meant. I highly doubt it that he would go through the trouble of creating an account.
September 11th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Triston -
That was just unnecessary. I take that from you, considering your avatar. Anyone else, and I might have gone Paolo on them…
/cries, weeps, and longs for the old days even if they didn’t get to the Super Bowl
September 11th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
via Seth Meyers twitter:
September 11th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
if only meyers tried as hard at making snl funny as he did his tweets
September 11th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
if only meyers tried as hard at making snl funny as he did his tweets
the visual of him laughing his ass off as he typed this is what makes me laugh
/horatio sanz & jimmy fallon also’d
September 11th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Really, mjejr?!?! Really?
/overused unfunny SNL bit
September 11th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Hazing = reading all of Paolo’s posts over the last 30 days before having your account activated.
September 11th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Yeah I liked “Reallly???” the first time they did it with the Michael Vick airport incident.
September 11th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Didn’t a bunch of lame cable news shows try to copy that gimmick, and then the Daily Show called them out on it?
September 11th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
reading them and then trying to write a cogent one page summary about what he is trying to say
September 11th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
And TBL, this things going to blow sky high when Artie gives you a mention on the Stern Show. You know that is eventually going to happen…
September 11th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Sorry, Wally. If it makes you feel any better, I too long for the old days.
September 11th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Dirty work was gold….I own it on VHS…..Chevy Chase was great, and he fits this post
September 11th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
You bet against Rocky in the Rematch in Rocky 3!
September 11th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
If it was up to me, I’d let you go; but the Banhammer have a temper, and they’ve been drinking all day!
/groundskeeper willie’d
September 11th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Wait I didn’t read all 119 comments, was there banter about how Stern isn’t as good as he used to be and is irrelevant not that he is on Sat Rad? Oh, and of course, the usual Artie Lange sucks and isn’t as good as Jackie the Jokeman?
September 11th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
No, but agreed.
September 11th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
cock. fag. homo. look! i am as funny as artie lange! what a hack!
September 11th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
jackie > Artie