Dodgers 6, Marlins 1: So the second best pitcher right now in the NL? Brad Penny – boyfriend of hot actress Eliza Dushku (drool-inducing goddess to your right). For the second season in a row, Penny has filthy first-half stuff. Remember last year when he was dating Alyssa Milano? He ended up starting for the NL in the All-Star game. Penny fanned 14 Marlins in seven innings, permitted five hits and no runs. He hasn’t allowed a run in 17 innings, and is 4-0. Dushku is hotter than Milano, and assuming they stay together, pencil him in for 300 k’s and 20 wins.

Milwaukee 3, Washington 0: The Brewers still have the best record in baseball, and Fran Cordero is now 13-for-13 on saves and hasn’t allowed a run. You know what’s frustrating though? Try picking up any Brewers pitcher in your fantasy league. Nobody’s left. Massive bummer to have missed that boat.

Giants 9, Mets 3: Nine-run innings aren’t your friend. Back-to-back two-out errors paved the way for two three-run homers and Barry Zito beat the team that passed on him in the offseason. Relive the unraveling here, and attempt to contain laughter.

Yankees 2, Mariners 3: You know how Rocket Clemens can pass on some road trips if he wants? Maybe Cashman and Torre should allow Mariano Rivera to do the same. Perhaps then he’ll be fresh enough to avoid giving up ninth-inning bombs to bums like former juicer Adrian Beltre. Rivera is now 1-3 and has an 8.44 ERA.

Julio Mateo Joins Brett Myers Club: Shitty Mariners pitcher only gets a 10 game suspension for beating his wife. Can we use the word scumbag here? Punched her in the eye, bit her on the lip, and choked her. She needed five stiches on her lip. Must have been a rough bite; friend of ours got cheap-shotted outside a bar in New York about 16 months ago and needed five stitches to sew it up. He’s still got a small scar.