pigsplosion1This Sunday might be the worst slate of football games since the UFL premiered. Did you see those uniforms? I was perplexed. What were the designers thinking? Were they thinking? More thoughts on the UFL after the jump.

Just kidding. Boy, I hope that didn’t backfire and no one clicked the jump. Who gives a shit about the UFL? Let’s talk about Zombieland.

I saw it yesterday and it was great. It had me laughing from start to finish and on top of that, it was pretty badass. When the movie was ending I was ready to run through a brick wall. It just got me ready to take action. If you’re a zombie you better hope you don’t run into me today.

The entire cast – though small – was excellent. Emma Stone looked incredible, though her makeup was surprisingly flawless for post-apocalypse.  Though he was good, I’m still not sure how I feel about this Jesse Eisenberg kid. I saw Adventureland this summer and really liked it. I loved Zombieland. Eisenberg was the lead in both films. He was good, but… I don’t know. Is it because in both films he’s pursuing girls that are way to hot for him? Do I just not like his demeanor? I really don’t know. If he keeps making good movies, I guess I’ll get past it.

Conclusion: Zombieland is a must-see that I’m considering seeing again in theaters.

Bye Week
The Bears, Packers, Saints and Chargers are all off this week. Believe me, you’ll notice they’re missing this week. The Hazean has some plug-and-play suggestions if your fantasy team was hit this week. Funny story – I have Aaron Rogers in a 2-QB league so I needed a replacement. I tried to pick up Jake Delhomme, but someone with a higher wavier-priority claimed him. It’s been 2 days and I still can’t believe that happened.

Pigsplosive Video of the Week

The Jake Delhomme Memorial Fraud of the Week Award
Mark Sanchez! Three picks and 138 yards against the Saints last week. How can you not love this young man? And he’s a dirty player!

The Ben Roethlisberger Game Manager of the Week Award
Shaun Hill barely beat out Jay Cutler this week. Hill went 14-24 for 152 yards and two scores last Sunday. All he literally had to do was take the snap and fall over each play and the 49ers still would have crushed the hapless Rams. The Niners’ defense scored 3 times.

The “Is Drew Brees Married?” Pointless Hot Chick of the Week

Thank you Esquire. You’re good people.

Picksplosion’em
Last Week: 7-7
Overall: 31-31

I know I’m not hitting with the regularity that Artie is, but I need you to stick with me. I was like 75 percent picking straight winners last year. Seriously. You can look it up.

Warning: The Following Match Ups Are Gruesome and May Not Be Suitable For Younger Audiences. Parent Discretion is Advised.

Cincinnati (+9.5) over BALTIMORE
The Bengals get their first opponent with a pulse this season. Yeah, I went there, Steelers’ fans.

Minnesota (-10.5) over ST LOUIS
Brett Favre hasn’t had fun out there since Monday. I don’t care who you are, that’s a long time to go without having fun out there.

Pittsburgh (-11.5) over DETROIT
In Detroit its more likely that the television in your hotel won’t work properly.

KANSAS CITY (+9.5) over Dallas
Aren’t these teams supposed to be good? No? OK.

GIANTS  (-16.5) over Oakland
David Carr will be the Raiders’ worst nightmare.

PHILADELPHIA (-14.5) over Tampa Bay
Kevin Kolb has thrown for something like 2000 yards in the last couple games. He’ll be listed as the emergency third-stringer Sunday. WILDCAT!

Washington (+4.5) over CAROLINA
If you watch this game you will end up with a death wish like Opie on Sons of Anarchy.

Cleveland (+6.5) over BUFFALO
I have friends who are fans of both teams. I don’t know why.

SAN FRANCISCO (-2.5) over Atlanta
Can the Falcons shut out the San Francisco defense?

Houston (+5.5) over ARIZONA
Two awesome teams that have sucked this year.

SEATTLE (_) over Jacksonville
It’s like the NFL just decided to get every single shitty game out of the way in Week 5. It’s OK if you have some yardwork to get done before the winter.

New England (-3.5) over DENVER
This is the one game between two teams that are decent. Bask in the glory of this game.

Indianapolis (-3.5) over TENNESSEE
Why does the NFL schedule all the Colts’ games at night? It doesn’t seem fair.

Jets (-1.5) over MIAMI
Remember that game where the Dolphins had a lead and the Jets came back? Best Monday Night Football game ever. At least it was the best ever as of 2002. Still a classic game.