(Because we loved it so much, we’re breaking the lottery into two posts. There will be another later today.)

Where to start with the terribly exciting NBA draft lottery? The unlucky Celtics, who went from exhilaration to depression in the opening of an envelope? They got fucked and we found it funny. Couldn’t happen to a nicer GM. We’re in the minority, but we can’t see Danny Ainge taking Yi Jianlian.

The Phoenix Suns? No lottery pick for them, but strangely, they’re not too depressed. That’s odd - they just lost all bargaining power to trade away $16 million man Shawn Marion. Do you think someone’s going to take Marion, the 21st and 29th picks for a Top 5 choice?

The Memphis Grizzlies? Ah, nobody cares about those guys, anyway.

But enough about the losers.

Winners? Portland, obviously. Still think they’ll grab Kevin Durant, no matter what Chad Ford tells you. Everyone keeps saying the Blazers will deal Zach Randolph away to make room for Oden … but uh, who is going to want a black hole with an affinity for trouble and an $84 million contract? Durant gives you this lineup: last year’s No. 1, LaMarcus Alridge, Randolph, and Durant, with Brandon Roy and Sergio Rodrigeuz in the backcourt. Looks like a sixth seed out West to us.

Atlanta is in position to do some damage, seeing as it has some great trade bait (Marvin Williams, either Josh), plus the 3rd and 11th pick. To everyone who wants Mike Conley at three - no point guard has left after his freshman season and immediately been a factor in the NBA. Chris Paul had two years. It’s simply too high for Conley. Even if we think he’s the next Tony Parker, three is a reach, especially with so much talent and size on board. Can live with him at 11 … after you get a power forward like Al Horford or Brandan Wright.

And finally, Seattle. Let the conspiracy theorists run wild with this - we don’t think Durant OR Oden will wind up with the Sonics if this team does not have a coach, general manager, or home city in the coming weeks. As much as fans don’t want to believe agents can have a say in these matters, we’ll refer you to Steve Francis forcing his way out of Vancouver, and Kobe Bryant winding up with the Lakers.

Is the First Pick a Money Maker? (CNBC)
Portland on a Cloud (ESPN)