We’re through seven weeks of the NFL season, which means we can stop prefacing every statement made with, “Yeah, but it’s still early…”

It’s not early, anymore; some teams have played seven games. Several AFC teams are already screwed for 2009. Cleveland, Kansas City, Tennessee, Oakland – all dead, buried, dug up and buried again. But forget about those also-rans (everyone else already has). Let’s focus on that Holy Grail of the gridiron – the playoffs. Here’s a premature peek at the AFC playoffs, broken into three fairway-centric divisions:

Tiger Woods’ Biracial Warriors Division

1. Indianapolis (6-0) - Through six games (none against especially formidable foes, other than a road destruction of the 4-2 Cardinals), the Colts are averaging 30 points per game and giving up just 13. They probably have more top-to-bottom talent than any team in football. They have (arguably! arguably, okay!) the best football player alive leading them. Do you trust them come late January? I don’t (and I’m their biggest fan).

kyle-orton-and-chick2. Denver (6-0) - Orton > Cutler? In terms of talent? No. In terms of production? No. In terms of game managment and knowing when to check it down. Yes, a thousand times, yes.

Freddy Couple a Division Winners Division

3. New England (5-2) - Christ on a Corn Nut, the Patriots’ offense is humming. Is Tom Brady “back?” Is the Patriots’ secondary that humbled Josh Johnson championship caliber? Probably, and probably not. Either way, Nov. 15 will go a long way toward deciding where the dust settles in the AFC.

4. Cincinnati (5-2) - Vendetta! Natalie Portman has nothing on Cedric Benson. The former Longhorn went straight Nikita on the Cutlers, carrying the ball nearly 40 times in a blowout that could’ve easily approached Patriots-Titans proportions – if Marvin Lewis weren’t such a nice guy. You don’t want a nice guy as your coach. Hire Belichick, hire the assassin. Kill the family, leave no children.

natalie-portman-v-for-vendettaJustin Leo-oking Inside from the Outside Division

5. Pittsburgh (5-2) - The hardest team to figure in football. They have talent at every position (QB, WR, LB, Safety, on and on and on…). They also have holes (OL and…OL). They play down to their competition (Packers, Bengals). They rise up at big moments (Favre, Favre). Does anyone else wish they’d just start playing like the worldbeaters they’ll likely be come January?

6. N.J. Jets (4-3) - The Sanchize, ‘cuz you and I know it’s the best ’size. Anyway, the Jets will remain in every game where they a) don’t play a high-powered offense or b.) don’t play a vicious pass rush.

Sergio GarAlmosts Division

7. Houston Texans (4-3) - They only have to go 4-5 the rest of the way to finish 8-8. They look better than that, don’t they? They are better than that (probably). If this team could swap places with the Seahawks, they’d be a perennial NFC power. Fate – and realignment – is a cruel, unfeeling beast.

8. Baltimore Ravens (3-3) - John Harbaugh’s strong, steady, sexy jaw had to have reconfigured that secondary during the Ravens’ bye week, right? You know it did. You could craft a Pinewood Derby track on that jaw.

9. San Diego Chargers (3-3) – Yeah, yeah, you beat a shitty AFC West team. Wake us when you beat someone credible (other than the Colts in the playoffs. /Sobs in corner).