olivia-munn-great-legsYeah, so most teams have only played seven games and it’s not officially midseason until after next weekend. But screw it, let’s jump the gun! Here are your 2009 NFL Midseason Awards, brought to you by the exotic (and techno-friendly!) beauty of Olivia Munn.

Worst Development of the Half: The “Tom Brady” Rule: In theory, this new rule was enacted to protect the southern hemispheres of NFL quarterbacks, and thus, their well being. In actuality, it’s being used to neuter NFL pass rushers and the spirit of competition, respectively. Now, I won’t get juvenile and tell the NFL to take its skirt off (because it’s a dude, after all), but I will ask it to inject some of whatever Bart Scott’s taking to swell his testicles.

percy-harvin-vikings-rookie-of-the-yearRookie of the Half: Percy Harvin, Minnesota Vikings: His stats (28 catches for 369 yards with 3 TD’s) aren’t particularly impressive, but his ability as a returner coupled with his quickness have made him an integral part of the 7-1 Vikings’ offensive attack. And so what if he might blow evy day?

MVP: Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts: Other than Tom Brady’s otherworldly 2007 season, a case could be made that Manning should have won this award every year since 2003, including this one. We’re watching one of the most amazing stretches of football ever, people.

Best Development of the Half: The NFL Red Zone Channel: If you’ve been an NFL Sunday Ticket subscriber in recent years, you knew what to expect when this wondrous creation spread to cable and other satellite providers this season. Shitty game in your home market? Browns fan? Want to stab Joe Buck in the heart with a jagged candy cane? This was made for you. Personally, I won’t be completely satisfied until the NFL makes an “All-22 Camera” channel available, but as there’s about as much a chance of that happening as the owners agreeing to guaranteed contracts, this will have to suffice. For now. I will have my All-22 Camera channel.

/cackles maniacally

Offensive Player of the Half: Steven Jackson, St. Louis Rams: But, but, but - he plays for a 1-7 team! Exactly, he’s a running back for a 1-7 team, which means he has zero running room and his team’s penchant for falling behind cuts into his carries. Now look at his numbers: An NFC-best 784 yards rushing, with 24 catches for 186 yards to go with. Remember, this award doesn’t take team success into account. And as such, you could swap Steven Jackson for Chris Johnson and all of the above would still apply.

elvis-dumervil-denver-broncosDefensive Player of the Half: Elvis Dumervil, Denver Broncos: This undersized, James Harrison (or is it the other way around?) clone of an outside linebacker had a down 2008 , with just five sacks and 17 total tackles. In seven games this season, he’s tallied 10 sacks to go with 24 tackles, two forced fumbles and two deflected passes. Is he the best defensive player in the NFL? Nope. Is he off to the best start? Certainly. Good thing that’s what we’re grading on.

Coach of the Half: Mike Nolan, defensive coordinator, Denver Broncos: The 2008 Broncos defense allowed 448 points, a dreadful tally. Through seven games in 2009, the Broncos have allowed just 96 points (second best in the NFL). There’s been some addition (Brian Dawkins), some rejuvenation (Champ Bailey) and some dominating individual performances (see Dumervil, above), but Nolan’s presence has emboldened this once-soft unit. You know, minus that performance against Baltimore yesterday.

Division of the Half: AFC North: Yes, the NFC North and NFC East both also feature three teams with winning records. But the Steelers/Ravens/Bengals troika has a much better shot at snaring three playoff bids. And that Bengals-Bears disaster lords over all comparisons between the two lake divisions.

Biggest Surprise of the Half: Denver Broncos: That dud in Charm City aside, if I’d told you before the season started that the Broncos would jump out to 6-0 before losing you’d have looked at me like I was eating a hot dog on the sidelines (what, that’s not funny anymore? Duckworth, you there?).

Biggest Disappointment of the Half: Tennessee Titans: From 13-3 and homefield throughout the AFC playoffs to 1-6 and “let’s pack it in and just see what we have in Vince Young.” And all because they stomped on a canary cloth.

Best Free-Agent Signing of the Half: Darren Sharper, New Orleans Saints: If I were a QB, I’d be scared to throw the ball within 10 yards of Sharper right now, lest he turn my rocket ball into an unwashed TAINT. Seriously, he’s like Jarvis Edison back there. (Looks at watch, begins counting minutes until HGH rumors begin swirling.)

Performance of the Half: Drew Brees, Week 6 against the Giants: Back then, we didn’t realize how horrid the Giants secondary would turn out to be, but watching Brees burn the then-unbeaten Giants for 369 yards and 4 TD’s was one of the first half’s most indelible moments. Of the ones not involving Brett Favre.