pigsplosion1Shhhh… I want everyone to be very quiet. Don’t say a word. Don’t even read this post. OK?

OK, are you gone yet? Super. Why did I want you to leave? Because you ruined my picks. Yes, you. Wait, you left. No one is reading this. Perfect. See, going into last week I had an amazing fake gambling record of 53-50. Read it again: 53-50. Let that sink into your mind grapes for a few moments.

That’s right, I was a stupendous 3 games over .500. If you followed my gambling advice all season, you would probably have been around even for the year. (Depending on the ratio of underdogs to favorites that I correctly guessed predicted.) You might have won some, you might have lost some. Either way, I didn’t lead you to financial ruin.

Until last week when you people crushed me! Why? Why must you ruin my stellar picks record? Things were going splendidly. (THREE games above Five-Hundred!) Then everyone said, “Hey, you know what is a good idea? I think a good idea would be to read CRM’s pigsplosion post and then take note of the teams he picked to win. Perhaps if I had a online gambling account I will wager on the teams that he had picked to win.”

I call this the Jerry O’Connell Jerr-O Corollary.

See, Jerry O’Conn…er… Jerr-O is the closest thing I have to a celebrity friend. We don’t watch games together or anything, but I know that he was in a television show called Carpoolers. Somehow, this changed the outcomes of football games last Sunday. I’m still working on the “how,” but believe me, this is real.

So anyway, if you snuck back into this post and are actually reading this - Get the fuck out of here! You’re going to ruin another week’s worth of picking genius. You think I publish this post that 10’s of 20’s of people read so that people will know what I’m guessing this week? Fuck and no.

Bye Week: Bills, Browns, Vikings, Jets, Raiders, Rams
That’s a lot of mediocrity and suck, my friends. (Waves at Mark Sanchez) Unless you have a lot of Vikings, you shouldn’t be missing much this week. Either way, The Hazean has plug-and-play suggestions and calls Jamaal Charles “sexy.” (/nttawwt)

Pigsplosion!

anti-tank-dog

Everyone Point At The Fraud!
Donovan McNabb drank Eli Manning’s milkshake. (Too topical?) Manning went 20-39 with 2 picks and the Giants found themselves on the ass-end of an ass-kicking.

Game Manager of the Week
Vince Young is alive, shirtless and selling shoes again. OK, maybe he’s not back to selling shoes, but he went 15-18 for 125 yards and a score and his team rolled in his first start since the Rose Bowl*. (*Approximate) Just keep handing the ball to Chris Johnson.

candice-swanepoel-nov-03Something Something Pointless Hot Chick
This is Candice Swanepoel(?)? She’s some sort of angel.

Movie Time! (New Feature!)
Each Friday a new slew of shit opens at the box office. Starting today, I’ll be discussing one or more of those films in the Pigsplosion. Today, we talk The Box.

If someone showed up at my door tomorrow with a box and told me they would give me a million dollars if I pushed the button inside the box, but someone would die, I would knock the fucking table over trying to push that button. Seriously. I know there’s some crazy twist, but who cares? I’m going to be too busy buying a jet ski to worry - and I don’t even like jet skis.

Picksplosion’em
Last Week: 4-9 (**Your fault!**)
Overall: 57-59

ATLANTA (-10.5) over Washington
Welcome to Atlanta.

Arizona (+3.5) over CHICAGO
Did you know Chicago is hosting the Strikeforce: Fedor vs. Rogers event? Well, if you didn’t there’s a preview coming later today!

CINCINNATI (-3.5) over Baltimore
Now, this is a t-shirt.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5) over Houston
I feel like this is the year where Matt Schaub take the MVP away from Peyton Manning. It starts with a 10-point loss on Sunday!

Kansas City (+6.5) over JACKSONVILLE
There’s only one Larry Johnson in my eyes and he used to dress like an old lady.

TAMPA BAY (+10.5) over Green Bay
How do pirates keep their glasses from falling off?

Miami (+10.5) over NEW ENGLAND
I must consume this alcoholic beverage. Someone make this happen for me.

NEW ORLEANS (-14.5) over Carolina
Jake Delhomme’s season numbers: 5 TD, 13 Int, 14 sacks, 59% Comp, 2 Fum Lost

Detroit (+10.5) over SEATTLE
Does. Not. Want.

San Diego (+3.5) over NEW YORK GIANTS
I hope New York realizes that the fall of the Giants is karmic payback for the Yankees. I almost feel sorry for Mets/Giants fans. OK, that’s a lie.

SAN FRAN (-5.5) over Tennessee
This is a magical picture, I tell you what.

PHILLY (+3.5) over Dallas
Sam Smith thinks McNabb is going to go to New England to play alongside Tom Brady.

DENVER (+3.5) over Pittsburgh
The two best quarterbacks in the league face off. I truly believe that.