John Terry’s wife Toni.  Who probably did not realize what type of family she was marrying into.

Chelsea 1-0 Manchester United: It was predictable.  Fourteen nationalities and hundreds of millions in talent conspired without imagination.  The stars bitched and the studs flew in a cynical English kickfest fitting for the lower leagues.  The shame was that Chelsea and Man U could not both lose.  John Terry scored on a fortunate header, giving Chelsea a 1-0 win to take a five-point Premier League lead over Arsenal, who have a game in hand.  Substandard Manchester United have begun their inevitable settlement into third.  Liverpool is facing Birmingham now, having won only one of their last eight.

MLS Playoffs: The LA Galaxy did not manage a shot on goal, but Landon Donovan scored a penalty to beat Chivas USA and progress to the second round.  Beckham has withdrawn from England’s friendly with Brazil in Qatar to be available.  They will face the Houston Dynamo, who beat Seattle 1-0 on aggregate after Brian Ching scored in extra time, in the Western Conference Finals.  Chicago won 2-0 at home to beat New England 3-2 on aggregate.  Real Salt Lake, who appeared in the Western finals last year, will be their Eastern opponent, after disposing of defending champs Columbus, 4-2.

Cruising Altitude: Barcelona weren’t brilliant, but beat Mallorca 4-2, with one goal coming from a slick Ibrahimovic assist.  Real Madrid stayed one-point behind, beating rivals Atletico Madrid 3-2.  Raul did not start for the third consecutive match.  Not coincidentally, Real are looking half-decent.  In the Champions League places last season, Atletico have dropped into the relegation zone.  Sevilla stayed relevant, four points behind Barcelona, by beating Villarreal from behind 3-2, with Luis Fabiano scoring twice.

Sightly More Intriguing: Inter Milan were held at home 1-1 by Roma, with Jose Mourinho blasting 19-year-old Mario Balotelli.  Juventus moved within five points, beating Atalanta 5-2.  Surging AC Milan moved up to third with a 2-1 away win at Lazio.  AC Milan coach Leonardo is back in Berlusconi’s good graces.  Lazio are in crisis mode, having only five points from their past ten matches.

Game of the Century: Ligue 1 normally is excruciating, but not on Sunday.  Rivals Lyon and Marseille played to a 5-5 draw, called “the game of the century.”  Lyon was down 4-2 with 11 minutes, scored three goals to make it 5-4 and then allowed an own goal to even things up.  Lyon are in second, one point behind French leaders Bordeaux.  OM are six points behind the leaders in eighth, but have a game in hand.

Pressure Cooker: Bayern coach Louis Van Gaal’s seat is simmering, as the German giants dropped points again in a 1-1 draw to Schalke.  This came after the club was essentially eliminated from the Champions League against Bordeaux.  Bayern fined two of its stars for indiscipline.  Italian striker Luca Toni left the stadium, after he was substituted at half-time.  German defender Phillip Lahm lashed out at the club, in an interview with the Suddeutsche Zeitung.  Bayern are now in eighth place, but since everyone else has been underwhelming as well, they are just six points back.

Entrapment: A short time after his mother was popped for shoplifting, John Terry’s parents have made headlines again.  Because they enjoy entrapping unwitting celebrity parents, Britain’s ever-reputable News of the World had 55-year-old Ted Terry facilitate a coke deal on a hidden camera at an Essex wine bar.  Terry made a $66 profit, enough to score a gram for himself.  His son makes around $265,000 per week.  You know the Terry family is troubled when John is the redeeming member.

Desperation: Real Madrid ruled out Cristiano Ronaldo for two more weeks with his ankle injury, but that won’t stop his former Man U coach Carlos Queiroz.  With a World Cup appearance at stake, the Portugal coach has included Ronaldo in the 23-man squad for the playoff against Bosnia.  It’s easy to eschew caution with a player when someone else spent $130 million for him.

Punishment: The University of New Mexico has suspended pathological defender Elizabeth Lambert.  If you haven’t seen the female Bill Laimbeer in action, check it out here.

Goal of the Weekend: Yves Desmarets (Vitoria) vs. Braga