jennifer-love-hewitt-can't-hardly-wait Do you remember when you were in high school, and there was that one kid? Mike Dexter personified him for many. Landed the hottest girls, then stuff would come out like “He has herpes” or “He f*cked his girlfriend’s dog” or “He got herpes from f*cking his girlfriend’s dog” or “He’s gay” or “He’s gay with former Orioles slugger Brady Anderson?”And the very next week, he’d be banging the second-hottest girl at your school. You know that guy? That guy is Ohio State football. No matter how many times you leave ‘em for dead, lambast ‘em, hang ‘em out to dry with every fiber of your being, they come back and put roses in their mouths sometime in November. And so begins CFB, Week 11.

Your Top Five Games

1. Iowa at Ohio State: Would love to see Iowa win this. It won’t.

2. Utah at TCU: Want to call this a trap game, especially because TCU is apparently bringing out new uniforms, and that seems like a bad idea when you’re rolling. It’s not a trap game. tony-pike-cincinnati-football

3. WVU at Cincinnati (Friday): This could be a trap game, even though it’s in Cincinnati. This “Collaros-will-start-even-though-Pike-could” thing seems like Brian Kelly tempting fate on a weekend his name is everywhere.

4. ND at Pitt: I’d like to call this the “official end of Charlie Weis.” It isn’t. That was actually last season in the ‘Cuse game, if not before even that. A semi-official list of names you’ll hear for that job: Brian Kelly, Bob Stoops, Paul Johnson, Urban Meyer, Jon Gruden, Tommy Tuberville. A balls-out thing that would never happen: UF defensive coordinator Charlie Strong. Breaking: Because of Ty Willingham, Catholics don’t respect black people.

5. Stanford at USC: Andrew Luck might actually be a better QB than Matt Barkley. Realize it’s hard to win at the Coliseum, but this could be a nice grab for the Cardinal.

Drink Your Face Off

1. Noon games are kinda weak. Sleep late, watch The Wire (we recommend Season III) on DVD, listen to this new Wale CD. Prep yourself.

2. At 3:30, hit the bar. Get one TV on OSU, one TV on USC and one on Florida/SoCar (I’d be more likely to call that a trap if USC hadn’t looked like shit for the last few weeks). Start pounding beers. Order yourself some nachos.

3. When you see Terrelle Pryor with a rose in his mouth, get the barkeep to flip over to ABC for ND/Pitt, and tell ‘em to back it up with Versus for the TCU game. Get out the TCU football roster on your phone. You’ll need it. Keep pounding beers. Order something fried.

4. Get home late, revel in Pitt’s win, and attempt to make that list of ND coaching candidates again while rocked. See how far down you get before you write “Tim Brown.” I did this three weeks ago, drunk. I had him at slot No. 6.

Most Relevant CFB Thing To Discuss While These Games Get Boring Assuming Alabama/MSU is close at all (StarkVegas was almost a trap for UF), bring this up among your friends: How long until Dan Mullen does something with that program? Three years? Five years? How long will he get? Secondary: Romeo Crennel went to WKU, perhaps best known for the buzzer beater in a 12/5 game below. Would it be a wise idea for him to take that football gig to restore his rep?

january-jones

Most Relevant Non-Sports Thing To Discuss While These Games Get Boring January Jones is hosting SNL this week. Make a list of the ten hottest women in entertainment right now. Does she crack it? Here’s an easier one, if you don’t want to get to 10: Is she higher or lower than Olivia Wilde?

The Five Most Overplayed Storylines Of The Week 1. Ohio State is back! 2. Texas doesn’t play anyone anymore! 3. Brian Kelly! 4. Traditional powers are falling down! 5. TCU’s defense is swarming!

Most Obnoxious Thing To Say At The Bar “I’ll tell you, a truly underrated NFL MVP candidate — in the strictest definition of the word, of course — is Baltimore’s Ray Rice, and I’ll tell you what, this Dion Lewis kid reminds me a lot - A LOT - of Ray Rice.” “Another Hazed and Infused over here, ‘tender.”

A Better Name For This Column Would Be: If the hoops team had Thaddeus Lewis, they wouldn’t suck balls

SmartPhone Clip Of The Week:

1. How many “Crank Dat” videos are there?

2. What’s the best one?

3. Why does this one throw Andy Dalton under the bus repeatedly?

SmartPhone Clip Of The Week II: ALL NEW! Star Wars Gangsta Rap: Chronicles

This thing is just fun to get the bar moving.

Picks Easy like Sunday morning: USC over Stanford. Harder than Peter North: SoCar over Florida