very-cute-michigan-cheerleader This weekend isn’t great. Couple of things to figure out in the Pac-10, a few to determine in the ACC, some clouds in the BCS picture that likely won’t be resolved until around 11 pm on December 5, and the beginnings of two rivalry weekends back-to-back. It’s always a fun time to hit the douchiest bar in your hometown (assuming you swung Monday and Tuesday off next week), because on Saturday night, you will run into at least one person you want to jack in the face. And what better way to watch Oregon/Arizona than that, right? We’ll keep these proceedings short. Go spend time with your families, you heathens.

Top Five Contests To View

1. Oregon vs. Arizona: In real life, a duck meets a wildcat, chances are the duck dies. This isn’t real life. This is Pac-10 football 2009.

2. Stanford vs. Cal: On Saturday afternoon to hype yourself, you’ll watch the Band play. By Saturday night, you’ll be watching clips of Toby Gerhart mauling people.

3. LSU at Ole Miss: This would be a nice way for Jevan Snead to put himself back in the first round, now wouldn’t it?

4. Virginia vs. Clemson: Ladies and gentlemen, let the Tommy Tuberville, Phil Fulmer and Al Golden speculations officially begin.

5. Penn State vs. Michigan State: Hookers and crack addicts, let the “will-PSU-make-the-BCS” discussion officially begin.

The Bar Plan

Ohio State Michigan to start. It’s going to be an ugly game, but the atmosphere and the colors are tremendous. Wow, that was gay. It makes ya feel like it’s fall, though. Thing to say at the bar that will get laughs: “How many jobs has Greg Robinson lost now? 27?”

LSU/Ole Miss, PSU/MSU and UVA/Clemson are your options at 3:30. All should be a similar degree of “meh.” Around 6:30 EST all the stadiums should look pretty cool, so you could disappear and check back in for that.

Oregon/Arizona is your only good option at night, unless you believe Mark Mangino will use Texas as his personal salvation game. Here’s a fun game to play when Oregon starts running it up for style points: Stoops to ND, Mangino fired, Mike Stoops fired despite his start this year, and Mike Leach to Louisville. Next year, who coaches (a) Oklahoma, (b) Kansas, (c) Texas Tech and (d) Houston? Why did I include (d)? Sumlin back to OU, friends.

beyonce-entertainer-of-the-decade Best Non-CFB Bar Discussion Of The Week

Entertainer of the Decade discussion must now get fired up. Who you got?

The Five Most Overplayed Storylines Of The Week

1. December 5, December 5, December 5, December 5
2. “The Game…” (said wistfully, Musbergian)
3. The Pac-10 is wild
4. Clemson is back to prominence!
5. Someone will get that ND job, and it won’t be Paul Johnson.

Douchebag Bar Comment To Make

“As a Yale man, you know I don’t consider Ohio State vs. Michigan to be ‘The Game.’ Cretans, really.” (Heard that at a bar in NYC, this weekend in 2003. Word for word.)

Thing You Should Know About Chattanooga, for the Bama game

Dennis Haskins, aka Mr. Belding, went there.

Thing You Should Know About FIU, for the Florida game

Andy Garcia, who at one point was both relevant and badass, went there.

A Better Name For This Column Would Be:

I Don’t Give A Stoops About The ND Job

SmartPhone Clip Of The Week I

Pretty nice. Put it on your phone for your people around 11:55 am.

SmartPhone Clip Of The Week II

To get you ready for Survivor Series on Sunday — an old-school classic. Honky. Jimmy. Oh man.

Picks

Easy: Oregon over ‘Zona
Hard: Michigan over OSU (the legend of Tate Forcier resumes)