Dane Cook Slams Bill Simmons, Boston Braces for Apocalypse
Uncategorized September 17th. 2007, 4:10pm
As far as comics go, we’re not that into Dane Cook. To be fair, we haven’t given the guy a chance, despite many, many efforts from a relative who urges us to ‘listen to this shit, it’s funny!’ All we know about Cook is that he’s in a movie with Jessica Alba (supposedly, it’s terrible; we may see it just for Alba), he’s used Myspace to become a comedy star, and he’s probably banged Jessica Simpson.
Someone who really doesn’t like Dane Cook is ESPN’s Bill Simmons. We don’t know the origin of their ‘feud’ (it probably would help if we read Simmons once in awhile), but apparently, it’s been one-sided. Until now. Shoot your Hopes and Dreams paid attention this morning when Dane Cook took part in an ESPN chat (what’s that about?) and decided to take several swipes at Simmons. After the jump, read and laugh.
While comedy doesn’t always translate over the net, we thought this was funny.
Matt (Philly): How do you feel about Bill Simmons thinking you suck?
Dane Cook: (10:00 AM ET ) Who’s Bill Simmons?
Clinton (Indianapolis): Dane, what was it like working on something as tense as Mr. Brooks? Would you like to play another role like that soon?
Dane Cook: (10:04 AM ET ) It was nice to do something outside of my wheelhouse. Mr. Brooks was a blast to play, such a deviant, despicable guy. It was almost like being Bill Simmons for a day…Once again, who the hell is Bill Simmons?
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Robert (Raleigh NC) : Some people say you aren’t funny at all. Others say you are genius. Why the varried opinion?Dane Cook: Everyone has an opinion on what is funny and what sucks. Just ask Bill Simmons, because he knows exactly who is funny, and who is not. After all, he is Bill Simmons.
It’s so on. Simmons vs. Cowherd and now Simmons vs. Cook. Maybe that’s the strategy to stardom – rip everyone!
37 Responses to “Dane Cook Slams Bill Simmons, Boston Braces for Apocalypse”
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September 17th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Being Bill Simmons…
September 17th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
The crazy thing is, Simmons is polarizing for many of the same reasons Cook is. Both rely on heavily on nostalgia and the “oh, I think that, too!” connection with an audience to get laughs.
I liked Cook years ago when he has a half hour Comedy Central special. Then he turned himself into a brand and pandered/schilled for laughs. Plus, his jokes are…well…not even jokes.
I tend to have more tolerance for Simmons. While he tends to have a schtick and be formulaic at times, he does occasionally present a cogent idea and can frame things in witty ways when he’s not going to his personal joke well too often.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
I really want to know Ben Affleck’s opinion on this matter, because he’s Mr. Boston don’t you know.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Cook is awful. Tell your relative to fuck off; Cook makes Simmons look like a 1983 Eddie Murphy.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
Dane Cook was never funny and never will be. At least Simmons’ pre-ESPN uncensored columns were laugh out loud funny.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
if cook hates bill simmons (and simmons hates cook) then that tells me this cook guy must have some talent and i need to check him out.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
So when did Simmons jump the shark?
The guy has been pretty mediocre for a while now…
September 17th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
Simmons wrote about his disdane of Cook several months back. He & a budy were volunteering at a pledge drive or something. His budy ripped a loud fart and, according to Simmons, Cook got all haugty and offended by it. Matching that with Cook’s “Hey, budy. Yo, bro,” schtick led Simmons to decide Cook is a douche and a fraud at the same time.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
I agree that Simmons was at one time funny. Plus, Simmons at least was the first to do what he does. Back before he lost his balls. As for Cook, he’s been busted for stealing material. He’s terrible. Jimmy, don’t waste your time.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
http://www.armchairgm.com/index.php?title=Poll:Bill_Simmons:
September 17th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
This whole entry sucked more than Dane Cook and Bill Simmons conjoined as Siamese twins.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
Personally, I haven’t met a single male from the age of 23-29 that thinks Cook is funny. Seems to me his biggest backers are younger girls and most of them just laugh because someone else is.
seriously give this guy 10 minutes on youtube and you will see why most people agree he blows as comic, but he has a cool hand symbol.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
i cant believe Simmons resorted to the “we live in a time with the Iraq war” etc… to defend cameragate….what a douche…
September 17th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
dane cook is even less funny than the sports gal.
September 17th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
It appears that Dane Cook is the funniest human alive if and only if you meet one criterion:
1) you’re in college
People in college love this dude, but upon graduation, realize he sucks.
September 17th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
What Would Scoop Do?
September 17th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
Haha, so true goathair, I fall into that category.
September 17th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Simmons explained at some point that he dislikes Cook because he once showed up to a Crank Yankers taping wearing a Yankees cap. He also mentioned the thing about his friend farting and Cook getting all haughty about it. So Simmons started taking random nasty pot shots at Cook in his columns and here we are …
The funny thing to me is they’re pretty similar. Both started with small internet sites and worked their way up to become incredibly popular. Both suffered a big backlash because of all the attention they were getting. Also, both seem to have become incredibly smug as a result of their success and turned a lot of people off.
September 17th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
I wish i was reading Simmons from the outset. But when I learned about the net, all I did was go into AOL chat rooms and flame people, and then download free music.
September 17th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Dane said he is a Boston Red Sox die-hard but he doesn’t care about stats? Uh….there is no such thing. I think he’s what you call a casual fan who is only “die-hard” when its in style.
September 17th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Can you get more more overrated than Bill Simmons and Dane Cook?
September 17th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
Yes, Vince Young
September 17th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
and Roy Williams of the Cowboys
September 17th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Or perhaps Simmons is just a dick and is obnoxious to anyone who doesn’t agree with their opinions and whatnot…that’s your typical chowdaaaah-head.
September 17th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Cook didn’t say he didn’t care about stats. Here’s the exchange:
E-Dog (Sunny NJ): Dane, fair weather fan, or diehard?
SportsNation Dane Cook: Die hard, born and raised in Boston. Been to more Red Sox games than classes, when I was in school. I was at the Red Sox 2004 World Series winning game in St. Louis. Definitely a fan 24/7. But I suck with stats.
September 17th, 2007 at 7:43 pm
I seem to recall a few years ago, Simmons taking a few shots at Lewis Black. My guess is if Jimmy doesn’t like them, Bill won’t like them. I’m no fan of Dane Cook (that movie is going to be bad), but to me by writing that kind of stuff, he seems like such a wannabee and Cook is right to fire back.
September 17th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
I would agree that Simmons getting into a squat and pee contest with Dane Cook is all the confirmation anyone still on the fence about Simmons’ could need. I really liked Simmons, and still think he has something to offer. But he needs some editorial direction, and there’s just nobody to provide that at ESPN.com. I’d also agree that Cook’s background is a sensitive spot for Simmons. The similarities are all over the place. Simmons has talent, Cook doesn’t have much more than an insane work ethic and an impressionable fan base. But the more time Simmons spends on Cook, the less time I’m going to spend trying to figure out where his most recent writing is. The “writing” on this Belichick thing from Simmons has been atrocious. Totally unreadable. Sigh.
September 17th, 2007 at 9:01 pm
The first Simmons column I ever read was the NBA Atlanta Gold Club column. It was awesome. And for a couple years, Simmons was entertaining as hell.
Then, 2004 happened. Every single article was about the Red Sox that Summer. He was under the delusion the Sox were America’s team and we all cared about them. Folks like me, who enjoyed his columns, were turned off. If we saw the Red Sox were the topic, we’d not even bother reading it. Added bonus, the Pats were good again. When 75% of your columns have the same topic/theme, it gets old.
Just setting that up for this…
I’ve obviously read a lot of SImmons. He has always had the pulse of pop-culture for 20 and 30 year olds. Not what you or I might like specifically, but generally he was ahead of the curve for guys in their 20s/30s. I doubt Simmons has listened to more than 30 minutes of Dane Cook. He knew three years ago that folks thought the guy was completely overrated. He is just pandering to his audience.
Allow me to be Simmonsesque for a bit… Simmons is like that kid in jr. high who has no discernable qualities, but can make girls giggle and gets good grades and actually likes his parents. Guys hate him, yet allow him to hang out because he can do things. Has keys to the girl’s locker room. Steals pot from his older brother. Has a porn collection. Once high school starts, guys are getting their own pussy, scoring their own pot, and filming their own pornos (Gawd, why didn’t I grow up in this decade). They have no use for Simmons and he turns into a bitter, lonely kid who picks fights with other bitter, lonely kids to look cool. Except, it doesn’t work anymore as a way of getting friends.
His recent column that was smug, assholish, arrogant, contradictory, poorly written, and jaded was merely him grasping at straws trying to please everyone. Can’t be too hard on the Pats or I’ll lose my NE audience, can’t be too light or I lose the national audience.
Simmons hasn’t been overly relevant in a couple of years. It’ll be interesting to see if his new book tanks. I have a feeling in a couple of years, a majority of people will be more interested in Shanoff, Leitch, and Dick Jokes. If the commenters on this blog are any indication, it’s already happening.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:33 pm
I’ve never quite understood the rationale that Cook “sold out” or “schilled out” or however you want to put it. So, you’re telling me that if you were a comic with a tireless work ethic, trying to make it in your industry, and you catch a few breaks which allow you to star in less-than-funny movies with two of the most beautiful women in the world (while making a shit-ton of money) you would say no? Are you that righteous? I didn’t think so. Get off your damn high horse.
September 17th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
Of course the other problem with Simmons is his obsession with the NBA, which means I am going to skip most of his columns from October to June anyway.
September 17th, 2007 at 11:11 pm
So being that relative who “urged” you to listen to cook, I can let you know that you missed the bus. He was hilarious for a minute on his stand up and CD’s, but he really “jumped the shark” when he tried to become a movie star of epic proportion. I dont know Simmons, cause I am not the sports enthus you are, but I can tell you that Howard Stern and Dane Cook are much more funny than he is…SUFI Bitches! Johnson out!
September 17th, 2007 at 11:40 pm
simmons vs. cook. here is all you need to know:
one got paid to roll around with jessica alba for a few weeks. the other didn’t.
(hint: it wasn’t simmons).
scoreboard: cook!
September 18th, 2007 at 12:40 am
“Are you that righteous.”
Most certainly. Some of us were raised in the genius that was Bill Hicks. Rolling around with the Bimbo of the moment is sad shakes. Lame “Comedy” bits just to get that wretched movie role gets what this fuck deserves. Slander. And it is well deserved. He’s not funny. He panders to his college frat boy and girlie audience. Kudos. He is set for life. That doesn’t mean my respect is automatic or forthcoming.
September 18th, 2007 at 2:35 am
At least Simmons knows about sports, Cook is trying to appeal to a broader audience with these horrible actober commercials and the appearances on the ESPYs and the WWL chat. If he thought it would draw more viewers to an hour long special he would do a chat on HGTV.com
September 18th, 2007 at 9:50 am
No one is saying Cook sold out. We are saying he was never funny to begin with.
September 18th, 2007 at 10:21 am
I’ve yet to see/hear Dane Cook do anything remotely amusing. He’s made a nice living off Pauly Shore-level comedy.
September 18th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Dane Cook is a dbag. He stole material from Louis CK.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=cRcem3Nk17s&mode=related&search=