While we apologize in advance for speaking ill of the dead – let’s face it, the career of Barry Bonds is over; didn’t you know Texas is where all careers go to die? – but this is too funny to pass up. San Francisco Weekly found Greg Anderson’s (Barry’s trainer) former cellmate: “Desperate to combat the testicular shrinkage that can occur with steroids use, Bonds injected human growth hormone directly into his genitals during the 2002 playoffs — with disastrous results for both him and the Giants … In early 2003, owing to the performance-enhancing drugs coursing through his body, Bonds suddenly began lactating, forcing doctors to excise his mammary glands … Wary of taking steroids since the BALCO flap broke, Bonds, intent on maintaining his edge, now supplements his diet with “Barry’s brew,” a homemade high-energy drink made of elk semen that has yielded its own troubling side effects.”

Italics and bold are ours. Laugh. That’s hilarious. [A couple of readers have pointed out that we should definitely let everyone know this is satire, and Bonds never drank elk semen. Regardless, the Onion is usually a hoot, and this is funnier than 90% of the things we've seen there.]

Steroids Confidential (SF Weekly)

*Just prior to posting this we see that it’s been out since Sept. 26. But we haven’t seen it discussed anywhere, so it’s news to us. And yes, this is Bonds with Zach Efron, the kid from High School Musical.