We’re practically beyond spent on the whole Bill Simmons vs. Dane Cook war of words. This though, you must read:

It’s the Dane Cooks of the world that need to be addressed. I know for a fact that Cook (A) wore a Yankees cap while taping an entire day of “Crank Yankers” phone calls, and (B) wore a Yankees cap and a Red Sox T-shirt to a “Man Show” season wrap party. Again, this isn’t a third-hand story — I have friends who would swear on the lives of their children that they witnessed those two “incidents” (for lack of a better word). Well, no true Sox fan would wear a Yankees hat under any circumstances, unless they were being tortured or engaging in some sort of twisted sexual role play with a hooker. So when he’s doing the whole “I’m a huge Sox fan!” thing in his baseball commercials, or claiming that Derek Jeter told him he was a big fan and Cook responded, “I’m not” (an actual “story” that Cook told on the “Mike and Mike” show last month) … I mean, he HAS to be called out on this stuff, right? I think it’s time for him to write another letter to himself.

Someone who is more familiar with Bill’s work, please indulge us: Is this guy for real? Is he this petty? Does he want Tom Brady’s first-born for wearing a Yankees hat? Is he jealous that Cook is the face of postseason commercials? Did Cook cut him off in traffic? It’s as if he’s stalking the guy.

MLB Mailbag (Page 2)