Got stuck somewhere we couldn’t watch the thrilling Patriots/Ravens finish last night. Fortunately, The Big Deal (aka TBL2) answered his phone and turned in a Gus Johnson-like play-by-play performance. We pick it up with unbeaten New England facing 4th-and-1 in Baltimore territory with about two minutes left.

DEAL – I’m sick man. And tired. Skins game yesterday, partying, life in general.
TBL – Wanna turn on the game? Patriots are about to pull a West Virginia.
DEAL – [TV turns on.] What the …
TBL – You know I totally called this right? I’m going to look so prescient, like Nostradamus. Kyle Boller is totally going to end up being remembered as a Buster Douglas-type figure.
DEAL – Brady comes under center. Quick snap, QB sneak … DEEEE-Nied! OHHHH-
TBL – WHAT????? OHHHHHHH MY -
DEAL – No! The Ravens called timeout! What a brick.
TBL – Who called it, Chris Webber?
DEAL – No, an assistant coach. Do over. Ok … Brady takes the snap … they run it with the fullback … STOPPED! IT’S OVER!
TBL – WHAT???? OHHHHHHH MY –
DEAL – No! There’s a flag on the play. Delay of game on New England. Patriots are going to back up five yards and get another crack.
TBL – Probably better, actually, because Wes Welker exists for these very situations.
DEAL – Brady drops back … no pressure … he’s got room to scramble … man he’s slow … but he’s got it!
TBL – Nine lives havin’ bastards.
DEAL – Handoff, looks like Faulk, up the middle for about five yards.
TBL – You think Gisele has all her Victoria Secret model friends over, huddled around a TV, cheering on Brady?
DEAL – That or the computer. Gisele loves a good live blog. Second down … Brady pass over the middle, TIPPED AT THE LINNNNNEEEEE … and not intercepted.
TBL – Since there’s no chance the Pats cover, might as well root for the Ravens.
DEAL – Brady drops back … incomplete to the left side. Exactly one minute left. Another fourth down.
TBL – Plenty of time. Where’s Moss?
DEAL – He’s out there, just not open. Brady drops back … plenty of time … fires into the end zone … INCOMPLETE! IT’S OVER!
TBL – WHAT???? OHHHHH MY –
DEAL – No! They called another penalty. Looks like it’s on the Ravens for holding in the secondary. [Dog barks in the background. Translation: BULLSHIT.] Man, there’s gonna be some bitching when the Patriots win this one. Looks like the pass was intended for … Ben Watson?
TBL – New England must have seen that WVU game and had the refs shipped over. Belichick’s a deviant genius.
DEAL – I fear for Baltimore club-goers tonight. Ray Lewis may have to choke a bitch.
TBL – How smug and cocky will Brady look in post game presser if pulls this one out of his ass?
DEAL – Brady drops back … pump fake … fires left side in the corner of the end zone … touchdown! Number 10!
TBL – Who’s that, Diego Maradona?
DEAL – Gaffney. Wait hold on, it looks like [Cell phone signal dropped. No kidding.]
TBL – So what happened?
DEAL – They’re looking at replays, and there are also two flags on the play. Gaffney had both feet in, but may have been juggling it. Looks like it’ll hold up, though. Some idiot on the Ravens got two 15-yard penalties after the play. And he picked up the flag and thew it in the stands! It was number 57.
TBL – Gotta be that nutjob Bart Scott.
DEAL – Ok, touchdown stands, ballgame. 12-0. Steelers on deck.
TBL – I bet Don Shula is drunk and cursing at the TV right now.

Madness over Miracles (Ebony Bird)